


supernova

by milkyprince



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Sexual Assault, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Inferiority Complex, M/M, Nightmares, No Spoilers, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostitution, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Character, Violence, nagito still has his luck??? but no one else has their talents, no actual sexual assault!!! i promise!!!, the writer is suffering(tm)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-05-16 16:55:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 48,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14815238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkyprince/pseuds/milkyprince
Summary: Nagito Komaeda was lucky. No.. more like he was "lucky". He had all the money one could wish for, anything and everything at his disposal. The one thing he didn't have... were friends. He had nothing to live for. He loathed himself. All he was good for was being used. Nobody cared about him anyway.That was, until Hajime Hinata came across him in an unfortunate situation.





	1. busted-up beauty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to a new work of mine!! its gonna be a bit of a slow burn but please stay with me for this!!

_Just another boring day..._

Nagito sighed to himself as he scuffed his shoes against the chalk drawings on the sidewalk. His green jacket was tied around his waist, white tee dirtied by spilled coffee.

_Why was his life so ordinary? Nothing interesting ever happened..._

Waiting in line for his daily coffee, a hurried businessman had bumped into Nagito, effectively ruining his shirt. He hadn't even apologized, just let out a disgruntled grunt and hurried back on his way. Nagito frowned but then shrugged, figuring at least it was him and not someone of a greater importance. Not like he had any important plans today, he never did.

Seeing the accident, the barista serving at the counter offered him a free coffee! How lucky! Nagito graciously accepted, going on about how thankful he was and how he didn't deserve this.

And now he was here, holding the paper cup of joe and leaning against a moss-covered brick wall in an alleyway. He frequented areas such as this, practically foaming at the mouth to become roped into trouble. Trouble was the only thing that excited him anymore. Normal life no longer cut it. Day to day life was a bore. Plus, a life filled with violence and assault was the only life fit for himself. The lowest form of life, scum of the human race, that's what Nagito was. He would much rather be used for people to take their emotions out on than pretend he was worth anything more than the worst.

Early on in his unfortunate life, Nagito had learned something. Life would not let him die.

In middle school, feeling fed up and frustrated with himself, Nagito had taken bottles upon bottles of pills. Despite all this, he lived. The doctors were just as shocked as Nagito himself was.

After this, he began to test his luck even further. He went from taking pills to stabbing himself in the gut. No matter what he tried, he just wouldn't die. He realized that this was his purpose- to suffer! Nagito was alive to absorb everyone else's suffering into his own being. He was a doormat, a stepping-stone, something to be walked over. If it meant others were happy, Nagito would give himself up to be tortured!

He hated himself, but he was happy. His life was fucked and miserable, but he was content. Even if it was awful, this was what he deserved, what he was destined to be.

Nagito's life had been a mindfuck of an existence, filled with death, fortune, and danger. All of his life had led him to here, in this dingy alleyway. Dead parents, kidnappings, and lottery winnings- it brought him to this point. He wouldn't complain, wouldn't ask for anything else. He knew he was unworthy of even the life he had; he deserved far worse.

Sipping his free coffee, Nagito listened closely to the sound of cars passing and arbitrary chatting. He wondered how long it would be until someone walked down the alleyway. It didn't really matter, he would wait despite however how long it took. Never having anywhere to be, nowhere to go to, Nagito just searched for trouble at all corners.

Maybe fifteen minutes later, heavy footsteps approached Nagito. His eyes were closed, so he didn't see who it was, but he heard the person stop in front of him.

"Haaah? Who the fuck are you?"

Nagito opened his eyes and looked up. He had absolutely, positively, no idea who this was, that was fine though.

"Say something, fucko. This is my territory. Explain yourself."

All Nagito did was shrug.

The dark figure delivered a kick to his stomach, causing coffee to spill on Nagito's shirt for the second time today, "If you don't want to piss me off more, I'd suggest getting the hell out of my spot."

"Oh, I'm not here trying to bother you, really, sir." Nagito gave a smile much too happy for having been kicked in the stomach moments prior. 

"I'll wipe that fucking smile right off your face if you don't get out of here now. This is your last damn warning." 

Nagito still didn't move an inch.

"You're just asking for it. What are you, some kind of masochist? Disgusting." the man spat at Nagito.

The spit grossed Nagito out a little as it hit his face, but he reminded himself that this was what he deserved.  _This was what he deserved, what he deserved, what he deserved... anything could be done to him, no matter how terrible. It was just what he deserved..._ Nagito shut his eyes again, showing his passiveness and unwillingness to do anything to change the current predicament. He wasn't scared in the least. This was fine. Everything was fine. 

"You some kind of fucking faggot? Huh? Answer me dammit!" he shouted and swiftly kicked Nagito in the chest, pressing his muddy shoe to the area he had just kicked. The pressure from his foot made it impossible for Nagito to get up, even if he had wanted to. 

Although Nagito had been asked to answer, his attacker didn't wait for him to actually respond. Instead, he removed his foot from Nagito's chest and instead shoved it in his face, mud now rubbing off onto the pale skin. Thankfully, his mouth was closed, so he didn't taste the mix of dirt, water, and grime on the underside of the shoe. 

But... the filth didn't even cross Nagito's mind, instead, his mind was struck blank as his face was kicked with full force. 

_Shit._

His nose fucking hurt. Nagito could feel blood drip down his face. 

Another kick.

Now his lip was ripped open, the taste of iron and salt flooding his taste buds. 

This was worse than usual. Still... he deserved it.

His face and chest were repeatedly bashed in. Over, and over, and over, and over again. Blood was smeared over his face. A hand gripped his hair and pulled him up by it. Nagito braced himself for the impact, assuming his skull would be smashed against the wall. 

"Hey! What the hell are you doing? Let go of him!" a new voice entered the scene.

The grip on his hair was released, Nagito falling to the ground.

"Get outta here!"

With blurry vision, Nagito saw a brown-haired man, holding a pistol pointed at the attacker. 

"Yo, man, put that away. We were just messing around, y'know?" the thug laughed nervously.

"I said  _get out of here._ I'm not afraid to shoot."

The attacker ran away.

Nagito was very confused, to say the least. No one had ever stepped in like that, no one ever cared enough to save him. Why had whoever this was saved him? Everyone knew that he, Nagito Komaeda, was a piece of shit who got into situations like this all the time. It had become such a regular occurrence that not even the police tried to stop it anymore. So... who was this? What was their motive? Why did they seem to care? Maybe they were after Nagito's money, maybe they wanted to hurt him.

It was just... so odd.

The man rushed to his side, kneeling down, "Are you okay?"

It took a moment, but Nagito caught his breath and his vision returned to normal. The man in front of him was... ordinary. He didn't look like a hero. But... Nagito had to admit that he was handsome! He was entranced... although he didn't look like a hero he was Nagito's hero! He then noticed that the man was looking at him funny... oh shit! He had been asked a question! He stumbled over his words, trying to answer as quickly as possible now, "U-uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine! 100% a-okay! Never been better!" Nagito grinned.

"Wow, you don't need to be so sarcastic."

"I wasn't! I wasn't. Really! Really... this isn't bad at all, compared to sometimes! Ah... I can't believe someone like you cared enough about trash like me to intervene... this has never happened before!"

Nagito's reassurance didn't seem to reassure the man at all, "You're... obviously not okay. You have blood all over your face... I'm taking you to the hospital."

"You really, really don't need to do that! I'm not worth your time. I don't want to bother anyone! I'm there way too often and they're tired of me. Seriously, about two weeks, I went in with a knife through my hand! You should have heard all the sighs and groans of the doctors who treated me... not that I blame them though! I bother myself too!" he let out a laugh.

"You... how... what? How the hell are you even okay?!"

Nagito held up his hand to show the terrible scarring on his palm as well as the back of his hand, "When I was stabbed, all the important structures were missed! How lucky, right?"

"That's- that's not lucky at all! You got stabbed for Christs's sake!" the man was absolutely bewildered, understandably so.

"A little stabbing never hurt anyone!"

"What. The. Hell. Yes, it does. It  _literally_ hurts people. What is your  _problem?"_

"To name a few... hm, psychosis, bipolar disorder, ah-"

"Okay, okay. I get it. Just... if you won't let me take you to the hospital, at least let me take you back to my place to patch you up. I can't just leave you like this, regardless of how crazy you may be... I'd be a douche to leave you here all bloodied up. Oh, what's your name?"

"My name shouldn't matter to someone like you-" Nagito began to put himself down again, but was interrupted.

"Please, just... tell me your name."

Well, he couldn't say no to that.

"Nagito Komaeda."

"I'm Hajime Hinata, I would say it's a pleasure to meet you, but let's be honest, this is not a pleasurable situation." the man- Hajime, held his hand out for Nagito.

Nagito hated to get his filth all over the nice Hajime's hand, but thought it would be even ruder to not shake his hand. He wiped the blood off on his hands and took the hand extended to him, firmly shaking it. A surprised gasp escaped him as Hajime grasped his hand tighter and pulled Nagito up to his feet. 

"Can you walk on your own?"

Quickly nodding, Nagito let go of Hajime's hand, "Sorry, I got you all filthy by touching you! Then again, just being near garbage like me puts a damper on people..."

"The only thing putting a damper on anything is you talking about yourself that way. Seriously, stop it, it's annoying as hell, you sound crazy."

"I... I literally am crazy though. Didn't you listen to my list earlier? I seriously am insane. So, uh, sounding crazy is to be expected..."

Hajime looked defeated, he began a sentence, stopped, and then began again, "I-, you... really are crazy, huh?"

Nagito was quick to nod once again, "Yeah, I am. Don't worry, I'm not the kind of crazy where I see things that aren't really there, the type that does drugs, or the type that kills people! I just hate myself and have a teeeeerible inferiority complex!"

"Well, at least you're honest. I suppose it is reassuring that you haven't killed anyone, but why the whole inferiority complex?" Hajime didn't beat around the bush, just cutting stright to the chase. He truly was socially inept, not thinking twice about the fact that it may be personal information Nagito may not want to share with someone who he only just met.

Nagito didn't mind it, though, he was quick to divulge information and overshare every last detail of his existence, since he would do anything people wanted! "Wellll, my psychologist says it has to do with my past! See, I was born into a wealthy family, and my parents neglected me! Then, when I was in elementary school, the plane we were on got hijacked, but we were struck by a small meteor and both my parents and the hijacker died! Soooo, I inherited my family's entire wealth, buttttt then in middle school I was kidnapped by a serial killer! He released me cause he found out I had no family to pay my ransom, and I found a lottery ticket in the bag I was kidnapped with! That ticket won the lottery! After that, I also tried to kill myself but it didn't work! In high school, I tried to kill myself  _a lot._ Like,  **a lot.** Oh- and I also had lymphoma and frontotemporal dementia! That's when I found out that I couldn't die, so now I've accepted my place as the lowest form of life on this Earth that is just here to be used for people to take their emotions out on!" 

Hajime was silent. His eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes were a bit wider than normal. 

_What in the actual hell..._

 

 "Oh, did I say too much? Sorry! I thought you wanted to know everything, but I guess you didn't... wow, I really am an idiot..." 

"No, no... that's not it. I did ask to know, so..." Hajime struggled to find the words to express how he was feeling, "That's just... insane. Are you joking me? That seriously can't all be true."

"It is, I swear! I'm not worthy of lying! I can show you the documents and everything if you really don't believe me"

"No, no, that's not necessary. I... believe you, weirdly enough. I guess a past like that would end up leading to your state. Ah- I didn't mean that in a bad way, I'm not judging you because you have a mental condition."

"Really, you can insult me all you want! I deserve it!"

The banter between them, Nagito insulting himself and Hajime awkwardly trying to make him stop it, continued as they walked. Hajime lived only a block away, so it wasn't too far of a walk at all. Their conversation stayed constant until they were in the elevator, which was when the uncomfortable silence ensued. 

Hajime stared at the ceiling while Nagito's eyes went to the floor.

The only noise was quiet shuffling and the ding of the elevator as the floor level increased. 

After what seemed like  _hours,_ they arrived at Hajime's floor. Hajime led the way, unlocking the door to his apartment.

"Chiaki! I'm back!" he yelled, a soft face looking up from papers spread across the kitchen counter.

"Oh, hi. How was work?" the girl, Nagito assumed her name was Chiaki, asked, not seeming phased by the bloody-faced man with Hajime.

"It was normal, dealing with idiots who don't understand anything about the law." Hajime sighed.

"I bet you get used to that quickly. You're a good teacher though, so I'm sure you can help them understand."  

Hajime shrugged, "Still frustrating though. Do you know where we put the first aid kit?"

"It's in the cupboard under the bathroom sink."

Nagito was a little impressed by how nonchalant Chiaki was, not even questioning why Hajime had a beat-up guy with him.

"Thanks Nagito, follow me." Hajime led the way to the small bathroom, "Sit. I may not be a nurse, but I should be able to do something about you."

Following orders, Nagito sat on the lid of the toilet.

Hajime got a cloth and wet it with warm water, wiping the blood from Nagito's face gently. It felt... nice to have someone caring for him like this. He still felt guilty about it, but tried to push the feelings down for the sake of the kind man helping him.

"Is the girl out there your girlfriend?" Nagito asked, surprising himself. He never asked questions, telling himself he didn't deserve to bother people by doing so.

"Oh, Chiaki? Nah, she's my best friend. We grew up together. I'm not really the type of guy to have relationships or anything of the sort."

"I get that. I'm the same way, but, for different reasons probably."

"Yeah, probably."

They were both quiet for the rest of the time Hajime tended to Nagito's wounds.

"There, you should be all set now."

"Thanks, really, no one has done anything like this for me, so, thanks."

"No problem. I couldn't just leave you there. Don't get into any more trouble on your way back home, okay?"

"I'll try my best, but my luck isn't always so good."

Hajime walked Nagito to the door, nodding at him as he stepped out, "Well, see you."

"Yeah... see you."

Hajime closed the door.

Nagito's mind was still on the man, even as he left the building. Maybe, just maybe... his luck would do good by him and let him run into the man again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos make my day so please!!!


	2. an unlikely pair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nagito can't get things off his mind
> 
> his therapist might have a solution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen ik that mikan is the ultimate nurse b u t uhhhh i love her anddddd im the writer so i can do what i want YEET she's a therapist now
> 
> also pls let makoto nd kyouko have their own lil law firm.... they would be gOOD business partners
> 
> sry for the late update i had a looong depressive episode lol oops yeet liiiife is perfect

This therapy session was much different than others.

Instead of droning on and on about how shitty of a person he was, Nagito was gushing about Hajime.

"No one has ever cared about me like that before, Mikan! I just can't get him off of my mind! He saved me, and then he insisted on patching up my ugly face! I know it's greedy, especially for trash like me, but I want to see him again so badly. It's been a week already and my luck hasn't helped me at all!" Nagito covered his face with his hands, groaning.

Mikan couldn't help but smile and laugh quietly at Nagito's state. He had been her patient for many, many years now, and somewhere along the way they developed a relationship that was more 'friends' than 'therapist and patient'. She had told him many times now that he didn't need to pay her or come to her office, that they could just hang out normally as friends did, but no matter how hard she tried to persuade him, Nagito refused to stop paying her. They were a dysfunctional pair, the two of them, but it was a good friendship.

Since Mikan had first met Nagito, she wanted to help him so badly. When she was younger, Mikan had struggled in similar ways to Nagito's own battles. She was constantly bullied, and it led her into feeling guilty for even existing. But now, she had grown from that and wanted to help people with problems like her past ones.

It filled her with so much joy to see Nagito talking about something other than how much he hated himself. This was a big step in the right direction.

"What did you say his name was?" Mikan eagerly asked, hoping to maybe craze over crushes as she always wished she could have done in high school.

"Hajime Hinata."

 _Hm... that name sounded familiar..._ Mikan pondered, trying to place where she had heard it before.

"Oh! I know him!" Mikan gasped excitedly, eyes lighting up.

"Wait- wait! No way! Please tell me you aren't lying! Mikan!" Nagito's eyes lit up as well, sitting up straighter than normal.

"I'm not lying, really! We went to the same college freshman year before he decided to switch to law! He works as a lawyer at- wait..." an idea struck Mikan, "If you want me to tell you this, you have to agree to stop paying me and coming in as a patient. We're friends, I don't like you paying me!"

Nagito was utterly conflicted. He wanted to know how to find Hajime more than anything else in the world right now, but he knew he would feel so guilty if he stopped paying Mikan. But... she seemed genuinely upset about still being paid by Nagito...

"Okay, fine. Just pleaaaase tell me!"

"Yes! Finally! Okay, okay, as I was saying. He works as a lawyer at Naegi & Kirigiri Law Association!"

"Oh! I know where that is!" Nagito's face quickly turned to a frown, "What if he doesn't want to see me? Will he think I'm crazy for coming to see him? I mean- he already knows I'm quite literally crazy, but will he think I'm some kind of stalker? Oh god, Mikan... I want to talk to him again so badly, but... maybe I shouldn't..." he sighed, slouching down in his chair.

"No, no, I'm sure he won't think badly of you. Hm... it might be kinda weird to just show up at his work though..." Mikan was quiet for a few moments, trying to think of a plan. "Oh, I've got it! I can contact him and ask to meet up for lunch sometime, saying something about college, and you can come along! Then I can get an 'important work call' and rush out, leaving you two alone!" Mikan was beaming, so proud of herself for coming up with this completely foolproof plan.

Once again, Nagito brightened up, "Mikan! You're a genius!" His smile stretched from ear to ear. He jumped up, hugging Mikan. It had been so long since he had felt this level of joy. Thoughts of self-deprecation were erased from his head, if only momentarily.

Temporary happiness even came to rubbish fools like himself, wow...

His luck had worked its charm after all.

 

* * *

 

After some digging, Mikan found a picture from her freshman year. It was during a party, and Mikan, Hajime, and a few others were all drinking and having a great time. It could definitely be used as a reason to contact him.

She was a bit anxious about calling the man out of the blue, but she was determined to help Nagito out on this. If she did this, then perhaps Nagito could get close to Hajime and his mental state would better.

Taking a deep breath, Mikan dialed Hajime's business number, crossing her fingers in hope that he would pick up. No matter how much she shook, no matter how nervous she was about this, she was going to do this. She  _had_ to do this.

It took a few rings, but the phone was answered with a click, and a "This is Hajime Hinata speaking with Naegi & Kirigiri Law Association, how can I assist your case?"

"A-Ah, um, Hajime... this is Mikan, Mikan Tsumiki. Do you remember me...?" Mikan prayed that he remembered, because if not, her plan would be thrown from the window of a twelve story building.

"Oh, Mikan! It's been awhile! What brought this call on?"

"Well... I was just looking through some stuff from college and found a picture of the two of us at a party together! I was wondering if maybe you'd want to go get lunch sometime and catch up- oh, wait I-I don't mean to sound like I'm coming onto you! I'm very, very gay- oh my god, I'm sorry, I mean, ahhhh, please, please just forget what I said! It just kinda slipped o-out!" Mikan fell into a panic, the gay thing just kind of slipping out of her mouth since she was so used to talking that way with Nagito. 

Hajime was silent for a moment, and then laughed awkwardly, "Don't worry about it, really. I'd enjoy catching up, hm... my lunch schedule in a bit booked aside from tomorrow, but I assume that's too sudden of plans for you..."

"A-actually, I have tomorrow free too! Does quarter to noon work for you...?"

"Yes, that would work. I have some work to do now, I'm sorry to cut this conversation short, but I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Of course! Pardon me for disrupting your work! Have a nice day!"

"You too."

Mikan hung up, letting out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding in. Immediately, she went to her texts to message Nagito about the development.

_**Mikan:** Nagito! I talked to Hajime and we're going to lunch tomorrow. Want to meet at my place around eleven?_

**_Nagito:_ ** _seriously?? youre so amazing omg, i cant believe you went through all that trouble just to help my pathetic self!_

**_Mikan:_ ** _Stop putting youself down Nagito, I swear. If you say one self-loathing thing while with Hajime I will slap you. That's not a threat, it's a promise._

**_Nagito:_ ** _mikan ive literally been stabbed, your slaps would feel like pillows._

**_Mikan:_ ** _Fuck you._

**_Nagito:_ ** _that would be equally bad for the both of us. youre gay, im gay. you dont want dick, i dont want pussy. fucking me would just make things worse._

**_Mikan:_ ** _I hate you so much Nagito Komaeda._

**_Nagito:_ ** _me too_

**_Mikan:_ ** _You hate me?_

**_Nagito:_ ** _no i hate myself_

**_Mikan:_ ** _Yeah... I should have seen that one coming. I walked into that. I opened the door for you to make a self-hating joke._

_**Nagito:** yup, you did._

**_Mikan:_ ** _Whatever. I'll see you tomorrow at eleven?_

**_Nagito:_ ** _wouldn't miss it for the world, have fun dealing with mentals who aren't your best friend for the rest of the day!_

**_Mikan:_ ** _Oh yes, I'll have loads of fun. Definitely._

 

* * *

 

 

He was nervous. Nagito Komaeda was nervous. Nervous wasn't an emotion that Nagito felt...  _ever._ It was strange, how very strange. 

Nagito stood in front of the mirror, wishing he could do something to better his appearance. He was going to see Hajime again today, thanks to the help of Mikan. HIs mind was tormented with thoughts of how he didn't deserve this type of opportunity, that he was overstepping his boundaries in reaching for something he wanted. It was incredibly unlike him to give into his desires. Why was he doing this? He should just go get himself beat up or stabbed again...

No, that would upset Mikan. He could no longer count the number of times Mikan had grown angry at him for getting into dangerous situations. Normally, he paid no attention to Mikan's wishes for others to not harm him, but now that she had aided him in finding Hajime, he couldn't bear to go against her will.

Just then, an idea occurred to Nagito.

_Mikan had lectured him about having others harm him, but never said anything about Nagito harming himself._

Truth be told, Nagito hadn't hurt himself since high school. Anymore, he just left it up to others. Mikan never knew that Nagito had been the type of person to cut himself prior to meeting her. 

_Perfect._

_If Nagito hurt himself, then he wouldn't be going against Mikan's requests, but he would get the pain he desired, the pain he needed. Oh, what a wonderful plan! What a deliciously perfect plan! Just the thought of it made Nagito into a muddled mess, going crazy once again._

Grinning and laughing at himself in the mirror, Nagito spun on his heel to enter the bathroom. He rummaged through the drawers until he found a pack of spare razor blades. He ripped the plastic wrapper off and picked up a blade gingerly. This was about to be amazing.

He rolled his sleeves up and sliced. He sliced thin lines horizontally on his pale skin. It stung, but it was oh so beautiful. It hurt oh so perfectly. The cuts were shallow, not enough to do serious harm, but it was exactly what Nagito needed. The sigh of relief that left his mouth was practically sensual. Was it wrong to feel a sense of pleasure from the pain? It was so wrong, but it felt so right. Nagito was overjoyed. How had he gone so long without doing this? It would be difficult to not become addicted to this.

Nagito practically had to tear the blade away from his skin, he loved the feeling so much. It was a magical feeling of getting what he deserved. But, he knew that going overboard now would prevent him from seeing Hajime today.

Wrapping bandages around his wrists, Nagito pushed his sleeves back down. He looked just like before, no different. The only thing that had changed was Nagito's mood. He was far less nervous and far happier now. He had been put in his place once again. All he needed was to be put in his place, one of pain and suffering, and he could live contently.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos,,,, comments,,, pls,,,, feed my desire for,,, validation


	3. accidental sighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mikan and nagito meet up with hajime
> 
> nagito knows no better than to do what he usually does

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i cant believe im actually sticking to making this slow burn a slow fucking burn
> 
> finally motivated to write this shit yeeters

Nagito rung the doorbell to Mikan's apartment at precisely eleven o'clock am. Anytime he went anywhere, Nagito arrived exactly at the scheduled time. If he was early or late he would be causing unnecessary trouble for whomever he was meeting, and he didn't want that.

Opening the door, Mikan smiled, "Nagito! Right on time as usual! Come in, come in!" She stepped aside from the door to give Nagito room to enter.

"Pardon the intrusion..." Nagito stepped inside and slipped off his shoes in the foyer, looking around. Despite having been friends for years, Nagito had never been to Mikan's apartment since he thought it would be a bother to Mikan to host trash like him, "Nice place."

Mikan led Nagito into the living area, humming contently, "Thank you, I cleaned up since I knew you were coming over."

A feeling of guilt washed over the mentally unstable man, his eyebrows furrowing with concern and regret, "Ah, I'm sorry, I knew this wasn't a good idea. You wasted your time cleaning just for my trashy self to come and contaminate everything-"

"Nagito! Stop it!" Mikan groaned and shoved Nagito lightly, "And don't call yourself trashy, I know you like to say that you're trash, and I know you'll most likely never stop that, but saying you're trashy makes it sound like you're a hooker! Nagito, do you want to be a hooker?"

"Mikan..." Nagito began, putting a hand on his face exasperatedly,"Mikan, think about what you just asked me."

Mikan looked confused.

"Keeeeep on thinking, you'll get it in just a few seconds... wrack your brain to come to a conclusion as to why that question is foolish."

_One... two... three... four... and-_

"Oh. Oh. OH." Mikan's eyes widened, "I... had completely forgotten about that." Her cheeks flushed pink thinking of what she had forgotten.

Oh, how Nagito wished he could have forgotten.

 

* * *

 

 

_Kabukicho, Shinjuku, Tokyo: Red Light District_

_February 14th, 20XX_

 

_A month prior, some woman claiming to be Nagito's aunt sued Nagito, saying that the family fortune was rightfully hers, that Nagito didn't have enough mental stability to own all of the wealth. They fought in court._

_Nagito lost._

_He went out on the streets, his inheritance stolen from right beneath his feet. Nagito had nothing more to his name than the clothing on his back and a soon to be maxed out credit card._ _His hunger brought him here, to a place filled with sleazy shops, street hookers, and a bountiful harvest of drugs and illicit materials. These streets would become his home, his place of work, the only area he resided in. For the next few months, his life would take a nosedive._

_He had lost his wealth elsewhere, but this was where he would lose it all._

_Here... he lost his virginity._

_The human body could only go so long without food or water. Nagito knew this, and his body knew this as well._

_Before this had happened, Nagito had actually been getting better. He was coming to terms with himself and self-loathed far less. But now, he was falling back into despair. Thoughts of how he deserved this invaded his brain, reveling in the filth he now was. He deserved to be on the streets._

_He was starving. The idea of thievery crossed his mind but with the route his luck was taking him down, he would be caught and thrown in jail if he attempted anything of the sorts._

_There was only one thing left to do._

_Nagito needed to sell his body._

_He knew he didn't deserve it, but Nagito wished this could have happened another way. Even a fool like himself could dream of love._

_Disheveled as he was, Nagito was picked up from a street corner in no time. Some old guy, probably late thirties, rolled up next to him and his eyes practically undressed his body._

_"Hey honey, you wanna take a ride tonight?"_

_No. No, he didn't._

_A pretty smile on his face, Nagito batted his eyelashes, "I'd love a ride... hope your wallet is as fat as something else, love." A shiver ran down his spine, the words from his own mouth disgusting him. How had he gotten here? All he wanted was a sandwich and now he was going to have something else filling him up. This was his life now. This was what he deserved._

_It was the worst night of his life. Money had never felt so dirty._

_After that first night, a night filled with tears, blood, and cum, sex became meaningless. It was just another way to get money, to get food, to get a night's sleep in a lumpy motel bed. Every single time he did it, Nagito felt himself become more and more empty inside._

_Why did he feel this way?_

_He had talked to a few other people who worked as he did, and none of them were ashamed of themselves._

_Nagito had never thought anything bad of people in the sex industry, so why was it that he thought so many bad things about himself for being a part of it? It made no sense, it was hypocritical even, but every time Nagito stepped into a stranger's car he hated himself more than ever before._

_It was over a month of this, constant pain, constant deranged sense of pleasure, until the holy grail came._

_The police uncovered that the woman hadn't truly been Nagito's aunt. She had performed identity theft and tricked even the greatest judge into believing her._

_Nagito's wealth was returned to him, as well as most of the woman's life savings. She was thrown in jail._

_No amount of money could fix the wound left on Nagito._

 

* * *

 

"-ito? Nagito?" Mikan's voice brought Nagito back down to Earth, "Nagito are you okay?"

Blinking, Nagito looked at her, "Yeah, sorry, just... got lost in thought."

"I'm sorry for making you remember that. I should have thought before I spoke." Mikan offered a gentle smile paired with a hand on his shoulder.

"No, it's fine. I don't think before I speak most of the time, so I'm not upset. Even if I was, I don't deserve to be upset. What happened was my own fault." he sighed, running a hand through his unruly white hair. It had been his own shitty "good" luck that caused it to happen. He was the one who let himself have everything taken away, he was the one who decided to sell his body for food. It was all his fault. Everything that happened to him was his own fault. His own dumb fucking fault. 

"Stop that, stop it Nagito." Mikan shoved Nagito's shoulder gently, "I've told you this many times before, and I'll tell you it until you get it through your pretty little head: It was not your fault. You didn't ask to get sued, you didn't ask to go to extreme lengths just to live. Don't blame yourself for it. Plus, your past doesn't matter anymore." 

_If only it really were that way... Mikan had such an ideal version of life. It would have been ideal for the past to not matter, but Nagito knew better. His past is why he was here now, why he still struggled, in limbo constantly. Even if he decided to live a good life, no one would want to be around him due to his past._

_He hoped he could keep the sex work part of his past a secret from Hajime._

_No... what was he thinking? He didn't deserve this. Why was he letting himself try to do something to make him happy? He deserved to be miserable. Fuck, he was being so greedy. He didn't deserve a chance like this even._

_His mind was overflowing with torment, like a swimming pool with too many people in it. He didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve this. But oh my god did he want it so bad. In his heart, Nagito knew that it could never work. It was in the stars, predestined for him to lead a life of pain and suffering. It was crazy of him to even try something like this. It was selfish and disgusting. He knew that he should back down, go off and get himself drugged or stabbed again._

_Something in his brain didn't allow him to back down._

_The desire, the urge, the **need** for this man, this Hajime Hinata, to care about him was stronger than his self-hatred. _

_Fucking screw it._

_Nagito Komaeda was going for it._

"Yeah, yeah. Okay, fine. I'll believe you. Fuck it, Mikan, just fuck it!" Nagito broke out in laughter, "Fuck it! I'm just gonna do this! Everything is telling me not to, telling me I don't deserve it- but Mikan, I  _need_ this. When he took me to his apartment to help tend to my wounds, it was the most amazing feeling ever. I've never had anyone aside from you give a shit about me. Everyone beats me down and even if they don't- they stand by and watch, cheering from the sidelines. Mikan, I don't deserve this, but I want to be cared for, fuck, I just want someone to tell me it's okay and accept me for who I am. Mikan, I can't handle this. I really, truly hate myself. I legitimately think I deserve everything that has happened to me, but I want this so badly. I'm going to hate myself more than ever before for doing this, but Hajime is what I want." 

Mikan's eyes lit up, "Yes! Yes! That's the attitude, I mean, not completely, but yes! Go for it! Get your man! Yes Nagito! Say fuck it and do it!" She was filled with joy seeing this, even though Nagito was acting a bit crazed. Crazed and determined Nagito was better than crazed and depressed Nagito. 

Nagito was going to fucking do this.

 

* * *

 

 

Nagito and Mikan walked together, entering the cafe Hajime and Mikan had planned on meeting at. Seeing the man they were meant to meet, Mikan waved and smiled, dragging Naito over. 

"Hajime! Hi! Ah, this is Nagito Komaeda, my friend. I ran into him while walking here, so I hope you don't mind him being here too!"

Hajime nodded, staring at Nagito's face, "Huh... your eye is healing up pretty well."

Nodding, Nagito's hand went up to trace the remnants of his black eye, "Yeah, it is. Thank you."

If it weren't for her current job, Mikan could have been an actor. The play she put on was seamless. 

"Huh? Do you two know one another?" Mikan tilted her head, confusion scribbled over her face.

"Yeah, ah, he was getting roughed up last week and I stepped in. We only met once though, so it isn't like we really know one another." Hajime shrugged, not making a huge deal of it. 

"Ohhh, I see!" Mikan sat down, patting the seat next to her and urging Nagito to sit down, which he did. 

"I suppose these circumstances for meeting are much better than the last time. Thank you, again, for helping me out." Nagito offered up a smile, trying to keep his insanity on the down low for now. If he gave a good impression now, hopefully Hajime would look past their last encounter. 

"No problem, really. I'm not a dick, so I wasn't going to just leave you there." Hajime shrugged, thinking about how the other man was acting a lot different. He seemed almost normal now. Was he... on drugs when they first met? Hajime contemplated the idea, but decided no, he wasn't. He had acted crazed, but there was no evidence pointing to drug use. Maybe he could just chalk it up to a bad day? Hajime tried no to read too much into it, assuming he wouldn't encounter this man more than this.

AFor about ten minutes, small talk occupied the air. It was interrupted by Mikan's phone ringing.

"Oh! I'm sorry! I need to get this, just a second..." Mikan stood up and walked a few steps away, answering her phone. Neither Hajime nor Nagito eavesdropped, Hajime thinking it would be rude and Nagito knowing it was a fake call. 

A minute later, Mikan returned, "Ah, I'm so sorry to cut this short, but there's an emergency at work and I really need to go. Could we meet up sometime else? Again, I'm so sorry." Mikan wore an apologetic look on her face with her hands folded in front of her.

Hajime was quick to assure her that it was fine, "It's fine, it's fine. I understand! Don't worry about it, I'm sure we'll meet up sometime else."

"Thank you so much for understanding." Mikan smiled graciously, "I'll contact you later!" And then she was gone. 

Nagito was alone with Hajime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for just $0 a day,,, u can make this slave of the written word happy by leaving a comment below


	4. back to my roots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hajime breaks nagito without giving it a second thought

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update!! hope you enjoy!!

Nagito tapped his fingernails against the table, humming a no-name tune. Across from him was none other than Hajime Hinata himself, the man he had been obsessing over for a week now. Before this, Nagito had so much to say to the man, but now he was at a loss for words.

Hajime was in the same boat. He had many, many questions. On one hand, he wanted to ask, but on the other hand, did he really want to know? It would be beyond the realm of acceptable awkwardness to just get up and leave now, as they'd been sitting here for a good ten minutes in silence. 

"Uh-" Nagito began, trailing off."

"So-" Hajime tried, faltering and not knowing what to say.

They both looked away and sighed in sync, a feeling of dread in the air. 

Nagito drummed his nails against the table once again, desperate for some type of noise to file the noiseless void. This time, the noise seemed to grab Hajime's attention as he glanced down at the table.

"Oh, your nails are long, that's unusual for a guy." Hajime remarked. The words carried no infliction whether positive or negative. It was simply an observation, nothing more and nothing less. 

Nagito replied simply as well, "Yeah, they are." He assumed the conversation would end there, but to his surprise, it didn't.

"Is there a reason why? I don't see anything wrong with it, but I have a habit of curiosity. If I ask anything too much, go ahead and stop me."

It pleased Nagito to be asked questions like this, even if they were just arbitrary things. No one ever bothered to ask him things like this. It was quite refreshing. "Well," Nagito explained, "They're for self-defense. I'm not legally allowed to carry around weapons, since I'm clearly not in a high enough position to carry anything that could do actual harm to stop someone."

"That makes sense, not even I can carry anything over the normal limit. So sometimes you do defend yourself?"

"Yeah, sometimes. If someone goes overboard."

"Did you defend yourself when you were stabbed, like you mentioned the other day?"

"No."

"So... if stabbing isn't overboard, what is?" Hajime cocked an eyebrow, clearly confused. What was more overboard than stabbing?

"..." Nagito was silent for a long moment, looking to the side before answering, "...rape."

The tension in the air was so thick it could have been cut with a knife and spread on toast like cold butter. 

"I'm... I'm sorry that happened to you." Hajime broke the silence again, as he had only a minute earlier. 

Nagito was quick to shake his head, "No, no, it's fine, really. You have nothing to apologize for. I should really be okay with it, seeing as I'm okay with quite literally anything else. It's selfish of me to not let people do that, I know, since I am here to be used and all, but it's just so terrible. Not even someone like me can handle it, even if I deserve it." He sighed, staring down at the table to avoid eye contact. 

"I know that I don't know you, I don't know much about you, but you've gotta be an idiot to think anyone, even yourself, deserves that kind of stuff."

"Then maybe I am an idiot."

"Maybe you are. Look, I'm not good with this type of stuff, but I'm just going to try here. Have you ever done anything bad in your lifetime? Hurt someone? Committed any crimes? Anything that could warrant you being treated the way you are?"

Looking up, Nagito made eye contact with Hajime. His eyes were concerned and analytical, suiting his position as a lawyer well. There was nothing pitying or cold about his gaze, which eased Nagito into answering his inquiry. "I've existed, isn't that enough?"

Hajime had to hold back his internal groan from becoming external- people like Nagito were the most frustrating type of people to deal with. It was people like him who made being a lawyer a painstaking job, but since it was in an environment outside of work, Hajime didn't feel pressured as much. He just needed to take a deep breath and be patient, remind himself that this man was mentally unwell and he couldn't help but to think the way that he did. 

"From that look on your face, I'll assume you don't think that's enough to entitle this type of treatment. In primarily legal terms, no, I haven't done anything illegal. I also avoid people at all costs, as to not bother them, so I think it's safe to say I haven't seriously hurt anyone emotionally."

"Then... I just can't even begin to understand why you'd think you deserve that type of treatment."

"It's just my purpose for existence."

"Am I right to assume you believe in fate?"

"I suppose I do. You're very perceptive."

"Do you think anyone else deserves to be treated like you?"

"No, of course not."

"So you think you're special?"

"God no, I'm the least special, insignificant little piece of scum there is."

"But saying that you're the only one who deserves this is saying you're special."

Nagito tried to retaliate, he really did, but there was no way to counter Hajime's point. Now, Nagito was at an utter loss of words. His entire way of thinking had just been deconstructed by a virtual stranger in no more than one short minute. He kept opening his mouth and then closing in in an attempt to rebuttal.

"See, I knew your way of thinking was wrong. If you think you're such scum, if you hate yourself so much, if you don't think you're special, then you can't deserve this. There's holes in your logic, so many flaws. You need to rethink your view on yourself and the world, Nagito Komaeda." Hajime felt smug, having won the argument. He liked this sense of accomplishment, and for some reason, this accomplishment felt even greater when he beat this man at his own game. 

Nagito still couldn't speak.

Hajime stood up, "Here's my card," he slid a small business card across the tabletop to Nagito, "If you ever decide to take one of your attackers to court, ask for me. I'll win your case for you."

Nagito stayed quiet, looking at Hajime, then the card, then back to Hajime.

"My lunch break is almost over, so I need to go. Stay safe out there." Hajime nodded and waved slightly, walking away with no more words. 

To say the least, Nagito was more confused than ever before.

 

* * *

 

 

For the rest of the day, as well as the entirety of the following day, Nagito wasn't able to stop thinking about the conversation he had had with Hajime.

_That man... really was an enigma. He has seemed so ordinary and mundane, but then he went and messed up Nagito's entire world._

Sitting at his desk, tapping a pencil against the wood, Nagito pondered further.

_How had he done that? It wasn't as if he cared that much for Nagito, but he had still taken down his entire view of himself. What had motivated him to do that? And why had it worked?_

Nagito couldn't wrap his mind around it, no matter how much he tried. It didn't make a lick of sense. It was beyond frustrating and confusing, making Nagito go crazier than he was before now. He dropped his pencil and slammed his palms down on the table, shooting up from his seat.

"FUCK!" he shouted, following up the exclamation with a groan. He hated feeling like this. What was "this"? Not even Nagito himself knew. All he knew was that he hated this feeling more than anything else in the world- well, not more than he hated himself!

He needed to get his mind off of this.

His wrists were already battered from that morning, so he knew he wouldn't be in the best mind to do that again on the same day. What could he do? Something to give him the pain he craved to cover up the confusion, something to get Hajime to stop tearing at his every thought. 

He knew what he had to do.

It was time to go back.

Back to Kabukicho, Shinjuku, Tokyo.

Back to the red light district. 

 

* * *

 

 

The taxi took him there, no questions asked. 

Clad in a thin tank top, black shorts, and bandages around his wrists, Nagito got out of the car and glanced around. It was such a familiar yet foreign place around him. It seemed like a lifetime since he had been here, but he still knew it well. He even noticed a few familiar faces.

Back to the street corner he used to work on, Nagito set out to get rid of his emotions once again.

The streets were busy as always, living up to the name as a city that never sleeps. The air was filled with chatter, nothing that Nagito cared about enough to make out though. He leaned against a dirty lamppost, knowing it wouldn't be long before someone picked him up. Older men always came here to fulfill their homosexual desires away from their wives, and scrawny guys like Nagito were the perfect bait. He wasn't exactly short, but he sure was skinny and weak, the best kind of guy to throw around in bed. 

It had only been maybe ten minutes before an older man, presumably late 30's or early 40's due to the greying parts in his hair, approached Nagito. He was stumbling a bit, most likely drunk or at the very least, tipsy. 

Discomfort bubbled up in Nagito's stomach as a hand was placed on his upper thigh.

_Disgusting._

The voice rang through his mind, but Nagito couldn't decipher if the remark was towards himself or the man touching him. _Probably both,_ he decided.

"What's a pretty boy like you doing here alone so late at night?" the man chuckled, hand sliding up further, resting on his ass. 

It took an entire truckload of self-control for Nagito to not run away. He just needed to get past the initial instinct to run away and then his emotions would go into overdrive and shut off entirely. All he needed to do was stick this out until he felt nothing.

_Soon enough, soon enough..._

"Cat got your tongue, boy? Let me hear that voice..."

Nagito bit his lip and looked up at the man, "What do you want me to say, hm? Or we could skip to the point and you could have me screaming instead of toying with this unnecessary small talk." The words were like poison in his mouth. The words were insincere, but he was always a top-tier faker. He had learned a thing or two about what people liked to hear while working here before, it was a skill Nagito doubted he would ever forget.

"Fiesty, are we?" he guided Nagito away from the lamppost and backed him into a wall. There was no escaping even if he wanted to. 

"I can be whatever you want for a price." 

"Oh, a boy like you doesn't need money. I know you want this, baby, stop playing hard to get."

"Listen- I'm not doing this for free-" Nagito was cut off by the man shoving his lips roughly against his own. 

_No, stop. Please stop..._

Nagito dug his fingernails into the man's arm, attempting to push him away with all his might. It didn't work, no matter how hard he shoved, the man was far stronger.

The disgusting lips detached from his own but went down to his neck, immediately trying to suck a hickey onto his skin, "It's more fun when they resist..." he chuckled.

"Stop it! You'll leave a mark! Get away from me!" Nagito shoved and scratched, going into self-defense mode.

"Hey, asshole! Get away from him!" a voice rang out.

_It was just like before._

_Déjà vu._

Nagito stared at the source of the voice: Hajime Hinata. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments give me the will to live


	5. savior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there he was, just like before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im rly proud of myself for keeping this a slow burn helllll yeahhhh im happy  
> please enjoy this chapter!!

It all happened in a blur, as if it were a dream.

Nagito discovered that Hajime was stronger than he first appeared, as he was able to shove away the older man quite easily. 

Before he knew it, Hajime had an arm around him and was leading him away.

"Hey, man, are you okay?" Hajime looked concerned.

Nagito stared at him.

_Why was he here?_

_Was this his luck giving him mercy for once?_

"I... I'm fine. Thank you." Nagito gave a small nod to show his appreciation. 

"Why... you know what, I'm not going to ask questions right now. Let me take you home, okay?" Hajime sighed.

Shaking his head, Nagito refused, "I... I don't want to go home right now. It's... empty there, alone."

"Do you have any family nearby?"

Something sharp jabbed at Nagito's heart. It was difficult to answer, "I... don't have a family. They're all dead."

"I'm... sorry. And friends?" Hajime appeared to be taken aback.

"...Mikan. She's out of town now though, she went to meet someone up in Fukushima..."

"Ah, uh... anyone else?"

Nagito shook his head no once again, "Mikan is my only friend. Look, you've already done so much for me, you don't need to worry about me. I can find somewhere to go, I'm sure. Don't worry over someone like me." He averted his eyes from Hajime and looked to the ground. He had caused trouble for this man once again. God, he was so bothersome, so annoying, so worthless. He felt Hajime's arm disappear from around him, so he assumed the man had decided to leave him be.

_Wrong._

Hajime sighed and flicked Nagito's forehead, "Get in the car, you can stay with me for the night."

"Huh...?" Nagito looked up from the concrete sidewalk to meet eyes with Hajime again, "Why...?"

Shrugging, Hajime answered, "I don't really know why myself, but I can't just leave you here. Infuriating as you might be, I can't just leave you be after you nearly got..." he paused, "...raped." 

Nagito's heart burned. Who the hell even was this guy? Sure, he knew his name was Hajime Hinata and he worked as a lawyer, but he was such a mystery. Why did he care so much? Why was he willing to put up with how annoying Nagito was? And most importantly... why could Nagito not get enough of him? It wasn't as if it was only because he seemed to care, no, if it were only that, then he would have these same feelings towards Mikan since she cared.

He felt something wet on his cheek.

_Rain?_

Gazing up, Nagito saw no sign of rain, just a clear night sky. He brought his hand up to his face.

_Tears._

He was crying. 

How long had it been since Nagito had last cried? Weeks, months, maybe even years. He couldn't recall.

"Hey, hey, are you okay? You're, uh, you're okay now. Don't worry, he's gone now. You look freezing in that, here." he took off his jacket and draped it around Nagito's shoulders. Hajime put his arm back around Nagito and guided him to the car, opening the door for him to let him get in. He didn't force him to talk, didn't judge him for crying. He wasn't the best with feelings, but still did his best to comfort the crying man.

The tears wouldn't stop.

 

* * *

 

 

The ride home was uneventful. Nagito cried quietly into his hands and Hajime drove. They rolled up to the apartment complex after a bit, and Hajime got out. Nagito followed his lead and got out as well, trailing a few steps behind the other man as they made their way inside. The scenery was familiar as he had been here before with Hajime. 

No words were spoken as they took the elevator or as Hajime unlocked the door. They walked inside, Nagito's cheeks tearstained and Hajime's face a blank slate. 

"I'm home, Chiaki."

"Welcome back." Chiaki didn't look up from her game, perched atop the kitchen counter and swinging her legs. 

"The couch is going to be taken tonight- that fine?" 

"Yeah, doesn't matter to me." 

"Nice," Hajime nodded and then spoke towards Nagito, "I'm going to get changed, you can clean yourself up in the bathroom if you want, you know where it is."

"Thank you..." Nagito expressed his gratitude quietly and headed to the bathroom after Hajime had gone to his room. He met his own eyes in the mirror. What he saw... it had him choking back tears. 

_A dark purple-ish, red-ish mark tainted the side of his neck, maybe an inch or two underneath his jawline._

He couldn't take his eyes off of the mark. He felt sick to his stomach. 

_Whore._

That word, that one little five letter word... it broke him once again. 

A tear slipped from Nagito's eye and suddenly he was crying. It wasn't silent like earlier, no, this time he broke out in ugly sobs. His right hand went up to cover the bottom half of his face and his left traced over the mark. He heard soft footsteps approach the bathroom but he couldn't stifle his crying. 

This time, it wasn't Hajime. 

In the threshold of the small bathroom stood Chiaki, Hajime's roommate. She and Nagito had never said a word to one another, but her face was so incredibly comforting and understanding as she looked at the crying man. She held her arm out, offering a hug.

Nagito threw his arms around her, hiding his face in the crook of her neck and crying.

She gently combed her hand through his wild hair, her voice soothing him, "It's okay... it's okay... you're safe now. No one can touch you here, no one will hurt you here. Let it all out..."

It had been forever since Nagito had felt so comforted. Chiaki's embrace felt warm and safe.

"It's not your fault... you didn't deserve that. He can't touch you now..."

Sniffling, Nagito let out shaky words, "H-how did you know..."

Chiaki moved out of the hug a little, but grasped Nagito's hands between her own, "I've been through the same thing. I've learned to spot a victim after that. I know how terrible it is." She wore a kind smile on her face, a mix of melancholy and sadness in her expression. 

"Thank you..." Nagito gave a weak smile, tears slowing.

"Do you want to sit down and talk about it?"

He nodded, and Chiaki led him out of the bathroom and sat down on the couch. She put an arm around his shoulder and let him rest his head on her shoulder. Nagito closed his eyes and took a moment to steady his breathing.

"I... used to work and live on the streets in the red light district. I went back there tonight b-because I was trying to get my mind off of things, and I thought that would do it. But, when I realized that wasn't the solution, he still w-wouldn't stop. Then Hajime saved me... just like before."

"Like before?"

"He s-saved me when I was being beaten up before... fuck, I must be such a bother to him now... causing so much trouble..."

"Trust me, even if he seems to be annoyed, he wants the best for everyone. He likes to help people, he's just a bit stubborn. Don't worry about bothering him, okay?" 

"O-okay..."

Chiaki rested her head atop Nagito's and closed her eyes as well, relaxing. No more words were spoken. Without meaning to, the pair fell asleep like that, the time and the comforting warmth lulling them both to sleep. For once, Nagito had no issues with finding sleep.

"Hey, Chiaaaaaa-" Hajime trailed off, walking into the room. He found himself smiling at the sight he was met with, his best friend and this unlucky man asleep while leaning on one another. It warmed his heart a little bit, even if he didn't understand why. He barely knew Nagito, but he had a feeling that he didn't get peaceful moments like this often. Chiaki looked happy in her rest, a soft smile on her face. Hajime was relieved that Nagito had found comfort in Chiaki, as he didn't really know how to comfort him by himself. 

Hoping Nagito wouldn't wake up, Hajime carefully adjusted his position so that he could pick up Chiaki without waking him. He picked up his friend with ease, carrying her to her room and laying her on her plush twin-sized bed. She didn't so much as stir, in a deep sleep now. He brushed a long piece of hair out of her face and smiled, "Sleep well..." He closed the door softly behind him and peeked out at Nagito, finding that he was still asleep.

_Good..._

Hajime had quite the long day, so he was grateful he could go to sleep now. He headed back to his room and laid down, finding sleep after a few short minutes.

__

* * *

 

 

_The room was dark, darker than any place Nagito had been before._

_He tried to get up, but quickly realized his arms and legs were bound by some type of... rope? It was scratchy against his skin and hurt like all hell as he struggled to get loose. After only a minute, Nagito knew it was a futile attempt- he couldn't get out. He was stuck here._

_Where was 'here'? He didn't know, but he did know that it couldn't be good. Nothing good ever came from dark rooms, bound limbs, and the faint smell of blood in the air._

_His stomach turned as he got a stronger whiff of the putrid scent, nearly wretching._

_What was going to happen to him here?_

_A little bit of light flitered into the room as the door creaked open. Nagito's ears rang as a deep laugh echoed across the room._

_"Wh-who are you? Where am I?" Nagito began to struggle once again._

"Shh... _just be quiet. The more you struggle, the more I'll make it hurt..." the voice laughed again, more maniacal this time. The man(?) switched an overhead light on, the bulb shining directly into Nagito's eyes and burning as if he were staring at the sun._

_Nagito saw his captor's face, now. Or... lack thereof. The figure above him had no face. He appeared... kind of static-like? Nagito really didn't know how to describe it. He couldn't tell if it was even a person. Maybe he had gone off the deep end, was truly crazy with hallucinations now._

_"I'll be soft with you, since you're being so good and obedient for me..." There was the clinking and shuffling of a metal cart and the sound of something rolling off and hitting the floor._

_Nagito kept his mouth shut tight and his eyes open wide, staring at the light._

_The person(?) hummed a sinister tune, picking up a tool (something made of metal, as Nagito heard metal tapping together again). They(?) ruffled Nagito's hair and cupped his cheek, "Good boy... perfectly pretty for me."_

_Nagito shuddered._

_He felt a sharp pain running down his chest. Gasping, he looked down. His chest was bare. A knife crept down the center, creating a thin slit. Nothing too deep, just enough to trigger the pain receptors in Nagito's brain. It hurt. He looked back to his captor._

_It(?) somehow managed to give the appearance of a smile despite being made of only static._

_Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he'd just get cut up a bit and then released._

_He had never been so wrong._

_The blade dug into the space in the middle of his rib cage, layers of skin being sliced in a single push._

_Nagito screamed._

 

* * *

 

 

Hajime awoke to the sound of a scream-  _Nagito?_

He bolted up from his bed and out the door, running out to where the other man slept. Relief overtook him as he found the boy not being attacked by an intruder, but by a nightmare instead. Still, he rushed over to the couch and shook Nagito, trying to wake him up.

Nagito woke up with a jolt, his scream cutting off suddenly, "H-huh?" He looked around, fear tainting his eyes.

"Hey, hey, Nagito, it's me. You're at my place, remember?" 

Nagito's head turned to look at Hajime, panting in relief as he saw it truly was him.

"Are you... okay? Ah, that's a stupid question, isn't it?" Hajime chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck.

Again, Hajime was there. Nagito's savior.

Not thinking even for a moment, Nagito threw his arms around Hajime and hung on tightly, crying for the third time that day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my birthday is soon so pLS comment


	6. am i truly alone here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nagito still can't comprehend himself
> 
> chiaki and hajime talk about fate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry bout the late update guys!! i had my birthday and went on a trip to my hometown! updates will be more regular starting today!!
> 
> anyways!!! enjoys!!

Nagito yawned and opened his eyes reluctantly, not wanting to wake up. Instead of light, Nagito's eyes were met with darkness. A feeling of warmth surrounded him as well. It was odd, as he normally woke up to bright light and coldness. He lifted his head a bit to see why it was different, and the sight he saw brought a blush to his face.

_Hajime._

The man's arms were around Nagito and Nagito's face was hidden in his chest.

_Had they fallen asleep like this?_

Nagito thought back to the night before.

 

* * *

 

 

_Nagito threw his arms around Hajime, breaking into tears again. He was shaking, scared, so scared._

_"U-uh... Nagito?"_

_If it weren't for his fear, Nagito would have immediately let go and apologized to no end, but he couldn't let go now. He could feel the pain in his chest as if it were real. His body knew and remembered the sensation of being stabbed with much more detail than Nagito would have liked, and although he hadn't ever been stabbed in the chest before, the pain was replicated like it had been in his hand._

_Hajime didn't push him away. The fear he could see on the poor man's face... it was unforgettable. Channeling Chiaki, Hajime did what he felt she would do in this situation. He rubbed Nagito's back with one hand and smoothed the messy white hair with the other, attempting to soothe him. "Um... you can go ahead and cry. I don't know exactly what's going on, or what's wrong, but... I'm here. I'm not good at shit like this like Chiaki, but you can cry, you can talk to me about it... I'll stay here until you think you're okay."_

_These words helped to ease Nagito's mind as he relaxed in Hajime's arms, crying freely. The darkness, the residual sleepiness, the fear- it all helped Nagito to let his emotions out with no filter. He managed to stop himself from sobbing all over Hajime's nightshirt and loosen his grip on the man. Sniffling, he spoke, a bit ashamed and embarrassed of himself, "I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't bother you with this... I just had a nightmare, th-that's all." He clutched his chest, willing the phantom pains to go away._

_This action did not go unnoticed by Hajime._

_"Is your chest okay? I saw you clutching it in your sleep and now again..."_

_"O-Oh," Nagito withdrew from clinging to Hajime completely, placing both hands where the pain was, "It's probably... just my mind faking it. In my dream, I was stabbed in the chest, and since I know what being stabbed feels like, it's replicating the sensation... or... ah... no, it's not that..."_

_"Not what?"_

_"Nothing, nothing..." Nagito seemed to be gasping for air a lot, "Don't let me bother you with it."_

_Hajime let out an exasperated groan, "Nagito, just tell me what the fuck is going on. Cut your bullshit."_

_"Oh! Uh-" Nagito was taken aback, a state he was in a lot while with Hajime, "Well, I think... there's a slight, tiny, minuscule, microscopic-"_

_"Just. Tell. Me."_

_"Ahhhh... I think I might be having a panic attack because I can't breathe and my chest hurts and I'm dizzy and my head is spinning." Nagito ran his words together, his face unusually pale (even compared to his normal sickly hue)._

_"Oh-" Hajime's eyes widened, "Is there anything I can do for you?"_

_"Ah, shit... I don't have my inhaler or my Xanax on me, ah, fuck, shit, fuck!" Nagito grasped his hair, pulling at it to distract himself._

_Hajime stayed calm and collected, thinking the situation through, "Okay, Chiaki has an inhaler. I know I shouldn't really let you use someone else's prescription medicine, especially since I'm a lawyer, but... lawyers never get caught, and if they do, they find their way out." He stood up, half walking half running to the bathroom. Opening the cabinet over the sink, Hajime grabbed Chiaki's inhaler and brought it back to Nagito._

_With only slight hesitation, Nagito took the inhaler. He took the cap off and wiped the mouth off before bringing it to his own lips and breathing in as he pressed down the top. He closed his eyes and held his breath for half a minute before taking another puff. The air flooded his system, his entire body tingling. The sudden change from so little air to so much air giving off a crawling feeling all over his skin. He wiped the mouth of the inhaler once again and placed the cap back on._

_"Are you calmed down now?" Hajime took the inhaler back and set it on the coffee table._

_Nagito was breathing evenly now, but was still shaking as if it were below freezing. He opened his eyes and studied Hajime's face for a moment before answering, "Not... really. I can breathe, which is good, but... if I'm going to be completely honest, I'm paranoid as all shit right now."_

_"That's... understandable. You said something about being stabbed, tell me more about that?" Hajime suggested. He went with his lawyer instinct, using the right words to get the information he wanted out of anyone he wanted. He was very persuasive and always got an answer._

_Nagito fumbled around with his hands awkwardly, "It's kinda a long story."_

_"I'm already up, so tell me. Scooch over and let me have a seat."_

_Ready to open up, Nagito slid over and Hajime sat down._

 

* * *

 

Nagito's heart felt warm as he remembered the night before. Hajime... had cared about him. He helped him out and listened to him. They'd only seen one another three times, but Nagito was incredibly grateful for the man. He was so warm... Nagito didn't want to get up. He didn't know why, but he wanted to stay here in Hajime's arms forever. It was a safe place, somewhere where he could not worry about letting everything out.

But he knew he couldn't stay. 

The happiness he felt here couldn't be kept. He wasn't meant to have this. 

Making sure to not disturb Hajime's sleep, Nagito got up from the couch and got ready to leave. But... before he did, Nagito let the selfishness invade his body once again. 

He left a note on the coffee table, next to Chiaki's inhaler.

**_'hey, thanks for helping me last night._ **

**_text me if you want to talk to trash like me again_ **

**_XXX-XXX-XXXX_ **

**_-nagito komaeda"_ **

 

* * *

 

Hajime was awoken with a jolt, his eyes snapping open and a startled shout coming out from his mouth.

"Shhh, quiet Hajime, you're so loud..." Chiaki's face appeared above him, her soft voice matching her soft appearance. Her hair was in two uneven braids and an adorable pout was on her face. If Hajime were straight and she wasn't asexual, he would definitely be attracted to her, but them both having opposing sexualities made it a lot easier to be such close friends. 

"Geez... have some tact when waking me up next time. You scared the living daylights out of me..." Hajime sighed and sat up, careful to not hit his forehead on Chiaki's. 

She shrugged, "Eh. Anyways, did you use my inhaler?"

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Hajime shook his head, "No, Nagito did. I didn't think you would mind."

"Oh? Does he have asthma?"

Again, he shook his head, "Not asthma, though, he could have that, I don't know... No, but, he had a panic attack like you do sometimes. He had some kind of nightmare and it made him have a panic attack." 

"Ohhhh..." Chiaki put a finger on Hajime's nose, staring at his expression before smiling, "You're a good friend."

Clearly confused, Hajime let out a monotone, "What...?"

"I said, you're a good friend. You helped Nagito out even though emotions confuse you." her smile remained on her face, "Just last year, you had no idea how to comfort me when I had attacks such as what Nagito had, and now you're helping out someone you only met a couple weeks ago. I can't help but smile, seeing you grow like this."

Hajime's ears burned red from the flattering words.

"You're cute, Hajime." Chiaki squeezed his nose and then her hand left his face. 

Quickly regaining his composure, he retaliated the compliment, "Yeah? Well, you're cuter, you bitch."

"Huh? No, you're cuter, asshole!" Chiaki's voice raised, a giggle bubbling up in her voice. She didn't let her emotions out much, but Hajime was the only one who could make her raise her voice and laugh like this. She loved him, in a perfectly platonic way.

"No, that's wrong! You're cute, you damn hoe." Hajime's laughter joined the air as well.

Chiaki jumped on top of him, tackling the man (who was much taller than her) and pinning his wrists down to the couch, "You whore! You're cuter! Admit it! Admit I've defeated you!"

"Never-"

Taking advantage of the fact that Hajime wasn't able to move much, Chiaki began tickling him, grinning and letting out an evil laugh.

"N-no fair! S-stop that! You know I'm- I'm ticklish! S-sssstop! Chiaaaaakiiiii!" Hajime spoke with broken words, laughter interrupting his voice. 

"Never! Not until you admit defeat! Raise your white flag in shaaaame! I've won! Accept your fate!"

"Fine! Fine! Y-you winnnn! Just pleaaaaase stop!" Hajime gave up, surrendering to his best friend. 

Chiaki's face filled with triumph. She let go of Hajime's wrists and got off from on top of him, taking a seat beside him instead, "Yay. One point to me, zero to you."

"Yeah, yeah, you win, you win." Hajime sat up, sighing but still smiling.

They sat in silence for a minute. Chiaki broke the silence.

"Hey, Hajime? Do you believe in fate?"

"Huh-? Where did that come from?"

"It just popped into my head."

"I've never really put much thought into it, so I don't know."

"Oh. Okay."

Silence again. Chiaki was the one to break it once more, being unusually talkative. 

"What do you think of Nagito?"

"Huh? So many questions..." Hajime wondered where this was coming from, "I guess he's fine. He's a bit crazy, but, he still seems like a good guy. He has good intentions, even if his logic is twisted and the way he goes about things is unconventional."

 "Do you like him?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"You know, do you  _like_ him?"

"What?! No! I barely know the guy..." Hajime knew that was a lie. He knew so much about Nagito, since he was so open to talking about his life and himself.

"Really? You just act so different towards him. Despite him being difficult to deal with, you act very patient and caring. It's a bit out of the ordinary for you. I assumed it was because you had feelings for him." Chiaki seemed surprised.

"Well... I don't know. I guess I just want to help him out. He seems so tormented, and he's really not as bad of a guy as he thinks he is."

Chiaki smiled to herself, having a positive feeling. She felt Nagito was going to be good for Hajime, and strongly believed Hajime was gravitating towards the other man, even if it were only unconsciously. She asked again, "Do you believe in fate?"

"I told you before, I don't know."

Taking one of Hajime's hands and clasping it between both of her own, she looked into his eyes, "I believe in fate, Hajime. Since I met you, I've always known you were going to be important in my life. I knew we wouldn't be lovers, but even as a little girl, I knew we would be friends and grow old together. I believe that was fate. And now, I believe it's fate that you and Nagito keep running into one another. You may not feel it, but I think you can help him, and maybe he can help you in some way as well."

"Okay...?" Hajime was confused... where had all of this come from? Since when was Chiaki so wise?

"I know you might not believe me, but please just trust me." Chiaki picked the not up from the table and held it out for Hajime, "Take this. Text him, Hajime. Trust me." She placed the note in Hajime's hands and got up, walking back into her room.

Hajime was left holding the note, awestruck by Chiaki.

He picked his phone up from the table, and opened his text messages. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls... feed me... the comments... nd kudos... pls... im so,,, hun g Ry


	7. do the stars lie?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mikan has a surprise 
> 
> nagito realizes something and gets a surprise of his own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i stopped binge playing persona 4 jUst to write this so plsplspls appreciate me
> 
> validation is my life blood,,,,,
> 
> also,,, i like writin hajime as being brown!!! so,,, thats why youll see his skin being described as darker than it was shown in the game!!

Nagito walked home alone, nobody approaching him today. He didn't have his phone, so the walk was boring. The weather was dreary, a light mist coming down from the sky. Nagito sighed, crossing his fingers that he would beat the rain.

No surprise, Nagito's luck did him good. Just as he entered his home, it began to downpour. Not even a single droplet touched Nagito. He made it just in time.

_Lucky, lucky..._

The first thing Nagito did was jog up to his room and grab his phone. He pressed the power button and the screen lit up, displaying far more notifications than he expected. Scrolling through them, skimming, Nagito quickly realized they were all from Mikan.

 

**_Message from Mikan, Yesterday:_ ** _Oh my goodness, Nagito. Tonight's little trip is amazing. I have so much to tell you._

**_Message from Mikan, Yesterday:_ ** _Message me back!! I need to tell you something!!_

**_Missed Call from Mikan, Yesterday_ **

**_Missed Facetime from Mikan, Yesterday_ **

**_Message from Mikan, Yesterday:_ ** _Pick up you fucking walnut._

**_Missed Call from Mikan, Yesterday_ **

**_Message from Mikan, Yesterday:_ ** _I know you aren't asleep, it's only ten at night. You're never asleep now. Stop ignoring me jerk._

**_Message from Mikan, Yesterday:_ ** _I'm going to slap you so hard next time I see you unless you answer me right now._

**_Missed Call from Mikan, Yesterday_ **

**_Message from Mikan, Yesterday:_ ** _Bitch._

**_Message from Mikan, Yesterday:_ ** _Asshole._

**_Message from Mikan, Yesterday:_ ** _Stop ignoring me._

**_Message from Mikan, Yesterday:_ ** _I'm literally your only friend, I know you can't be busy right now, so answer me loser._

_**Message from Mikan, Yesterday:** _I hate you._ _

__**Message from Mikan, Yesterday:** _ _ _(You know I actually love you)_

_**Message from Mikan, Yesterday:** _Call me when you get back._ _

__**Message from Mikan, Yesterday:** _Bitch._ _ _

 

Nagito burst out laughing as he scanned the messages. God, he loved Mikan. When he had first found out what she was like behind her timid and polite outside, he had been so amused. She was far more than a weak, hopeless, crybaby woman. She was funny, smart, and an amazing friend. Nagito knew his luck was real since she continued to be in his life, since he didn't lose the one person who seemed to care for him. At first, when they began to develop a friendship, Nagito tried to push her away since he believed he didn't deserve friends. However, Mikan was stubborn, utterly determined to be Nagito's friend, and she certainly got her way.

He smiled and he unlocked his phone and went to the phone app, tapping on Mikan's contact and raising the phone to his ear. 

It took a singular ring for Mikan to pick up, shouting into Nagito's ear, "Jerk! Asshole! Where were you last night?" 

"Ah, sorry Mikan. But you'll be excited to know that I was at Hajime's. He saved me from a bad situation again! Can you believe that?" Nagito's voice was full of delight.

"Oh? That's great, Nagito. Now, I know you're excited about Hajime and I will listen, I really, truly will, but I have really exciting news that I need to tell you."

"Hmm? Do go on..." Nagito was intrigued now.

"It'll be easier in person, can I come over?"

Nagito clenched his teeth, uncertain, "You know I don't like people seeing where I live..."

"Please? I've already seen it once before, so I swear on my life that I won't make any comments about it."

"Promise?"

"I promise!"

"Then... okay. Come over."

"Yay! I'll be there soon!" Mikan hung up without even saying goodbye... she must have been extremely excited. 

Nagito hated having people over to his home.

He lived in an estate. His dead parents' estate, to be exact. He hated living here. Everyone assumed his life was perfect, that he was some stuck-up asshole since h lived in such a luxurious place. What they didn't know was that Nagito lived far from a luxurious life. He ate cup ramen every night, if he even ate at all. There were no other attendees to the estate, no workers, nothing. The inside was barren of warmth. Nagito let his fortune sit in the bank, not spending a dime. There was furniture and decorations left by his parents, but the entire interior let off a cold and lonely aura. 

Despite his hatred of the place, Nagito couldn't bear to sell it. He never admitted it to anyone, not even himself, but it kept him tethered to his parents. Deep down, he was scared of losing everything that could remind him of his time with his family. 

There were many things Nagito hide deep down.

 

* * *

 

 

Mikan didn't live too far from Nagito, so she just caught a taxi and took a fifteen minute ride to go visit him. She didn't know the reason why, but she did know that his home and his wealth were sensitive subjects for the man, so she never mentioned them.

She walked up and pressed the doorbell, smiling and bouncing a leg in anticipation.

Nagito arrived at the door, opening up and returning her smile, "Hi, come on in."

Mikan nodded and stepped inside, slipping her shoes off.

"Ah... we'll just go to my room, if that's fine." Nagito didn't mind his room, as he chose the smallest room to use as his own. It didn't seem luxurious or extravagant, so he spent much of his time there.

"If I didn't know you were gay I would think you were trying to seduce me!" Mikan playfully pushed Nagito's shoulder.

Nagito shook his head and chuckled, "Like I'd try to sleep with you."

"Woooow, that was a harsh blow. Don't worry, I'd never sleep with someone like you either."

They smiled, knowing the insults weren't real, and Nagito led the way to his room. They sat on the edge of his bed.

"So? What's the big news you were so eager to tell me?"

A grin filled Mikan's face and she grabbed Nagito's hands, "I... have... a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend!!!" The excitement in her voice was greater than Nagito had ever heard before. Her grip on his hands were tight and the smile didn't falter one bit. Mikan was ecstatic. 

With a grin nearly as wide as Mikan's, Nagito exclaimed, "Seriously? Really? You aren't joking, right? Don't play with my feelings Mikan!"

"No, no! I'm really not joking! I'm serious! Her name is Junko, Junko Enoshima! She was the one I took a trip to see yesterday! She asked me out!  _She_ was the one who asked me! Can you believe it? I'm so happy Nagito! I never thought I'd have a good relationship after what happened with Hiyoko! But- but... I really really like her!" Mikan was tearing up, so happy at this point.

Nagito wrapped his arms around Mikan, hugging her tightly, "I'm so happy for you! You deserve to have a better relationship than before!"

The happiness he felt for his dear friend wasn't at all faked, but he did have a feeling besides happiness in him now. 

Jealously.

He wanted that. He wanted a happy relationship. He wanted someone to have romantic feelings for him. He wanted to hold hands with someone, to kiss someone, someone to call him their boyfriend. The jealousy bubbled up from his stomach all the way to his throat, but he kept it from spilling out. He wasn't going to ruin Mikan's happy moment with his own selfish desires and meaningless emotions. 

The smile on Mikan's face was so genuine that it made Nagito feel bad for feeling anything aside from happiness for her. He scolded himself for being so self-centered. He needed to be happy for Mikan now, not pity himself. He didn't deserve even his own pity.

"Someday you'll have to meet her! I think you'll get along with her! Ahhh, I'm just so happy!" Mikan fell back on Nagito's bed, rolling onto her stomach and screaming into the sheets.

Nagito flopped onto his back, staring at the ceiling, "I bet she's great. First is the worst, second is the best, am I right?" He referred to Hiyoko as the first and Junko as the second. His smile felt melancholy. He really was happy for Mikan, no doubt about that, but still... he longed for more for himself.

His mind wandered as Mikan let out more incomprehensible sounds of excitement. What if he did have a lover of his own? 

_Walking, hand in hand. Nagito's skin seemed paper white in comparison to the dusty brown skin of his partner. He smiled, looking into the calculating yet kind yellow-green eyes._

_Wait... what?_

Nagito furrowed his brow as he shook himself out of his vision.

_The person he was imagining..._

_It was Hajime._

_He liked Hajime._

_Nagito liked Hajime._

_Nagito Komaeda liked Hajime Hinata._

_Holy shit._

"I like Hajime." Nagito blurted out, eyes wide with realization.

Mikan lifted her head, "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Nagito nodded.

"I thought so. I hope he finds himself gaining feelings for you too." Mikan now wore a more gentle smile.

Nagito met Mikan's eyes, butterflies in his stomach as he thought of Hajime.

"Good luck, Nagito."

Determination filling him, Nagito nodded.

His phone pinged from it's place on his desk. Not knowing who is was since Mikan was the only one who ever texted him, he slid of the bed and picked the device up, turning on the screen.

 

**_Message from [Unknown Number], Just Now:_ ** _Hey, this is Hajime Hinata. Are you free tomorrow night?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everytime someone comments i hate myself a little less :D so pls,,,,,
> 
> (also i dONt dislike hiyoko AT ALL i love her!!! i just felt she's fit the part of an abusive ex well!! i think she's a great character and she isn't actually a bad person!! don't come for me pls)


	8. what you truly deserve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nagito and hajime meet up, this time on purpose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall are gonna fucking hate my for what i do in the next chapter
> 
> this is the calm before the storm

Nagito grasped his phone with both hands, biting his inner lip to try to control his smile. He jumped up and down a little, high pitched squeaks escaping his mouth. His heart was racing just from this small text. His crush (his crush!!!) had texted him!

"Hm? Why are you all excited?" Mikan paused her own excited freakout to question her best friend.

It was the high school crush he had never experienced before, it was like he was making up for the lost time, the missed crushes, the avoided butterflies. This was the youthful feeling he had missed while being beaten up by others and himself. This feeling, this immense exhilaration- it made everything else go away. If only for a moment, his mind was peaceful. Thoughts of self-harm and self-deprecation were pushed from his brain and replaced with adrenaline and joy. He felt like a normal person for once!

"Nagitooooo, tell me! Don't just stand there being excited all by yourself! Don't leave me ouuuuut." Mikan whined, pouting in the way she only did around those closest to her.

Nagito turned to face her, shifting from the balls of his feet to his heels as he tried to calm himself and stop jumping, "H-Hajime texted me! He asked if I was free tomorrow night! Oh my god, is this a date? No, no, it couldn't be... but... what if it is? Aaaaahhh, Mikan, fuck! Fuck! What do I wear? Where do we go? Mikan, help me! I don't know how to hang out with anyone but you!"

Mikan bit her pointer finger to stifle a giggle. It was great to see Nagito so giddy, it made her feel happy. 

"Heyyy, don't laugh at me!" Nagito's face and ears flushed pink, embarrassed that he was acting like this now. 

"You fucking loser, don't worry so much! He's the one who asked to see you, so you don't need to put all the pressure on yourself!" Mikan bounced up from the bed, throwing her arms around Nagito and hugging him closely, "My little baby boy is all grown up! He's going on his first date!" Mikan mimicked the voice she would use when talking to a baby or small animal, teasing Nagito to no end and with no remorse. 

"Nooooo, don't tease me, stopppp, Mikannnn..." Nagito groaned. 

Letting Nagito out of her arms, Mikan now pinched his cheeks, "D'awwww, look at my little babyyyy, so pure, going on his first daaaaate." 

Nagito crinkled his nose up and turned away, "Mikannn, stooooop, stopppp itttt."

Mikan smiled and finally relented, giving Nagito a more gentle hug, "Don't stress about this, just be yourself. He asked to see you, so clearly he isn't annoyed by you and enjoys your presence. It'll be okay."  

He hugged Mikan back, imagining what it would be like to hug Hajime... 

Again, Mikan let go but now reclaimed her seat on Nagito's bed, "So, what are you waiting for? C'mon, text him back!"

"A-ah! Oh yeah! I-I do need to text him back!" Nagito unlocked his phone and stared at the message, "How... how do I respond?" His fingers hovered over the keyboard, mind at a blank on what to write. It was as if he had suddenly forgotten what letters were. What even were words? Do sentences exist? Language is all just a construct anyway. 

"Here, sit down with me, we'll compose the perfect reply!" Mikan patted the spot next to her on the bed.

Nagito plopped himself down beside her, letting her see the screen, "So... I can't sound like I'm too excited or trying too hard, but I don't wanna sound uninterested..."

"Okay, okay, so... here lemme type and then you tell me if it sounds okay!" Mikan took the phone away and tapped away at the screen, holding it to Nagito to tell her if it was okay.

 

_**Nagito:** Yeah, I'm free tomorrow. Why?_

 

"That sounds good, but... you know that isn't my texting style. I thought you'd know better than to use proper capitalization." Nagito shook his head and took the phone back. He retyped the message and then sent it.

 

_**Nagito:** yeah, i'm free tomorrow. why?_

 

Immediately, he clicked the power button to turn the screen off and chucked it all the way across the room, "What if he thinks I'm weird? What if he hates me? What if-"

Mikan slapped her hands on Nagito's cheeks and squished his face in, "Shut up. He wouldn't have asked to see you if he hated you."

The panic of the situation had begun to sit in now. Nagito was uncertain about this. He really had never been on a date before. Was this even a date? Was he overstepping his boundaries by calling it a date? He wanted it to be a date... but how could he find out?

Voice a bit distorted due to his squished cheeks, Nagito pondered aloud, "But... I just wanna know... is this a date? Does he want it to be a date?"

With a disappointed grunt, Mikan took her hands off of Nagito's face. She seemed to be considering something, contemplating noises coming from her mouth before she seemingly made a decision. "Alright. Let me see your phone."

"Huh? Why?"

"I'm gonna take his number, text him, and then ask."

"What?! No! That would be too forward!"

"I won't be suspicious. Here, just let me. I'm good at acting and lying, you know this!" 

Reluctantly, he agreed, "Okay... but it's across the room, so, if you want it, you gotta get up and pick it up."

Mikan jumped up as soon as Nagito agreed, scooping the phone up from the floor and putting in the password. She sat back down and took her own phone out. She copied the number into her phone and handed Nagito his phone back. She had a smile on her face, enjoying meddling into Nagito's love life far more than she should have.

 

_**Mikan:** Hi, this is Mikan Tsumiki, I know you remember me. You know I'm friends with Nagito, right? Right, I know you know since we were at lunch together. Anyways... I'm over at Nagito's right now and he just left to go get us drinks in the kitchen, so of course, I decided to look through his phone like the good friend I am, and I used that to find your number because I need to ask something. So, tell me, what are your intentions? When you asked him if he was free... did that mean you were asking him on a date? Or is it just as friends?_

 

Nagito and Mikan both watched the screen in anticipation. In just moments, the text was marked read and three little dots popped up on the screen.

 

 **_Hajime:_ ** _Oh. Wow. Okay. Hi Mikan. This is... quite a message to receive._

 **_Mikan:_ ** _Don't worry about the slight creepiness I'm giving off, because trust me, it was meant to be slightly foreboding. Nagito is my best friend and this is important information._

 **_Hajime:_ ** _You have really, really changed since freshman year of college. You are way more straightforward and confident._

 **_Mikan:_ ** _Stop avoiding the question, you're a liar, so you know evading the question is never good._

 **_Hajime:_ ** _Okay, okay, you got me. Honestly... I'm not sure?_

_**Mikan:** You need to be sure. Nagito seems to think it's just hanging out in a nothing more than a friend way.  
_

**_Hajime:_ ** _Ah, well... I think, ah... yeah, okay._

 **_Hajime:_ ** _I meant it in a date way._

 

Nagito straight out screamed when he saw Hajime's text, "Oh my fucking god it's a date!"

Managing to not freak out herself, Mikan continued to message Hajime.

 

_**Mikan:** You need to make that clear to him. He doesn't realize it's a date._

**_Hajime:_ ** _That's probably a good idea. Will he not want to if it's a date?_

 **_Mikan:_ ** _Well, that's for me to know and you to find out. You'll have to toughen up and ask him on a date without being vague._

 **_Hajime:_ ** _Alright, alright, I get it. I'll ask him properly._

 **_Mikan:_ ** _One more thing- if you hurt him, I will make sure your life is ruined. You'll never see a happy day again in your life if you hurt him in even the slightest way. He's been through too much shit and if you decide to give him more... it's a goddamn death wish._

 **_Hajime:_ ** _I won't hurt him, I promise. Thank you, you actually really helped me realize what I wanted this to be._

 **_Mikan:_ ** _Anytime. Text me if you need any tips on how to handle Nagito- I know he can be a handful._

 **_Hajime:_ ** _He definitely gets into a lot of trouble, but I think I can handle it._

 

Mikan smiled and turned her phone off, setting it on the mattress beside her. Soon enough, Nagito's phone pinged, showing a new text message from Hajime.

 

**_Message from Hajime, Just Now:_ ** _Would you go on a date with me?_

 

Nagito grinned as he opened the message, quickly replying the first thing that came to mind.

 

_**Nagito:** really? are you seriously asking me on a date?_

**_Hajime:_ ** _Yeah, I am._

**_Nagito:_ ** _wow, i never thought you'd ask someone like me on a date!_

**_Hajime:_ ** _So is that a yes or a no?_

**_Nagito:_ ** _well duhhh, of course it's a yes. i'd love to go on a date with you._

**_Hajime:_ ** _That's a relief, I was actually thinking you might say no for a second._

**_Nagito:_ ** _i could never say no to you, hajime!_

**_Hajime:_ ** _You're way too extra._

**_Nagito:_ ** _owo even a professional lawyer like you knows some slang_

**_Hajime:_ ** _Please, not that face. Chiaki already tortures me with that godforsaken face._

**_Nagito:_ ** _owo_

**_Hajime:_ ** _Do you want to go on a date or not?_

**_Nagito:_ ** _yes, please_

**_Hajime:_ ** _Then I suggest you don't send me that face._

**_Nagito:_ ** _okok i'm done, i've stopped, please don't cancel the date_

**_Hajime:_ ** _Good. I get off of word at half past four tomorrow, so I could come pick you up around six?_

**_Nagito:_ ** _sounds great!_

**_Hajime:_ ** _Nice, then it's a date. I'll see you tomorrow, Nagito._

**_Nagito:_ ** _see you tomorrow!!_

 

Setting his phone aside, Nagito wore the brightest smile on his face. Hajime was such a gentleman- he was even going to come to his house and pick him up!

_Wait._

_Shit._

Nagito hated people seeing his house. And now, Hajime was going to see it when he came to pick him up. The dread in Nagito's mind was awfully overwhelming. He didn't want Hajime to know he lived in a place like this. He didn't want to be seen as just another rich kid. Fuck... what was he going to do?

"Mikan... he's picking me up here tomorrow."

"Aw! That's so sweet! You two are going to have such a good time!"

"Mikan... he's going to see where I live."

"...oh. Oh. That's why you sound so reluctant."

"Yeah." Nagito groaned and buried his face in his hands.

Mikan pried his hands away from his face and gave him a smile, "Don't worry. If he likes you, he won't care about your wealth. If he mentions it, explain how you don't like people to know you live in such a nice place. I'm sure he'll understand, and if he doesn't... I will personally kick his ass."

Nodding with hesitation, Nagito took a deep breath, "Alright... alright. This is going to be okay.. I can do this."

"You can do this."

Nagito wanted tomorrow to never come but come immediately at the same time.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments,, pls im begging u ill do anything just pls,,, ill even p e r i s h


	9. new territory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hajime and nagito have a date
> 
> they go back to hajime's place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um,,, just saying this now....... im very sorry for this entire chapter
> 
> sorry if i dont update quick this time. something bad happened and i dont know how my mood will be for the next few days. thank you for understanding.

Nagito had a dilemma. 

He had never been on a date before. He had no idea how to do this. What was he meant to wear? How casual and/or fancy was this? He wanted to look nice, but not look like he was trying too hard. Nagito was so stressed out. He wanted this date to go perfectly, and so he was worrying way too much. His Google search history was filled with inquiries about how to act and dress for a first date. Even with all the internet's advice, Nagito still wasn't sure. 

After nearly half an hour of contemplation, he settled on a casual outfit of jeans, a tee, and a flannel. Nagito hoped this was a good enough outfit for a first date. He wondered what Hajime would look like... he always looked so handsome. The first two times he had seen him, he was in his work suit, and  _holy fuck_ he was hot. The other time he was in casual clothing, but still goddamn hot. 

Pacing back and forth, Nagito ran his hands through his hair in an attempt to fix it. Somehow, no matter how he tried, his hair always ended up in some crazy-scientist style bedhead. Mikan said it was cute and fluffy that way (sometimes she would even just sit with him and play with his hair for fun- Nagito liked the affection so it was nice from both of them), but it was still annoying to handle much of the time.

As it got closer to the planned time, Nagito began to check the time on his phone obsessively. 

_5:20_

_Still forty more minutes before Hajime was supposed to be here. Maybe he had gotten ready a bit too early..._

Having no idea what to do, he headed to the bathroom to make sure he really was ready. Hm... his hair looked more unkempt than normal. Changing up his normal look, he pulled the messy hair into a very short low ponytail, nodding at himself in the mirror to affirm it looked better. 

He looked nice, he supposed. But his uncertainty grew as he looked at himself.

For once, he wasn't wearing long sleeves. The arms of the flannel were rolled up to a little under the elbow. If he were most people, this wouldn't be a problem. However, being the one, the only, Nagito Komaeda, it was a problem. The cuts on his wrists were closed up and healed for the most part at this point, since they were incredibly shallow cuts, but it was still easy to see what he had done to himself. He considered changing into something that covered his arms entirely, but set his mind to get out of his comfort zone and dress nicer for Hajime.

He checked the time again.

_5:25_

_Goddammit, why did time move so slowly?_

He was at a loss for what to do. Returning to his room, he sat at his desk and opened up his laptop. He clicked around aimlessly, deciding to buy some more bulk Cup Noodles when he remembered he was getting low on them. He could honestly say that he didn't remember the last time he'd eaten anything aside from Cup Noodles, takeout, and junk food, whether it be breakfast, lunch, or dinner. He knew he was unhealthy, but he didn't care since it wouldn't kill him- nothing would, after all.

After ordering the few things he needed, Nagito checked the time once more.

_5:35_

Sighing, he gently banged his head on his desk. He didn't know why he was so stressed over a simple date. He really needed to get himself in check before Hajime came. If he found out it was Nagito's first ever date, Hajime would probably think he was weird. For god's sake, Nagito was in his twenties and had never had a date! He was a full fledged adult and was acting like a teenager who knew no better than to act like this.

Was this a pity date? Did someone put Hajime up to this? Why was garbage like himself getting what he wanted? Nagito began to feel guilty, but managed to push back those negative feelings for now. He was determined to make tonight a good night for both himself and Hajime. No talking down to himself, nothing of the sort was going to happen tonight. Nagito wanted Hajime to know there was more to him than what he had showcased on their previous encounters. 

Tonight was going to go well, it had to. Nagito mustered up all the luck that he could for the evening.

Wasting time, Nagito stood and ventured back to the full length mirror. He opened Snapchat and took a picture, sending it to Mikan with the caption 'is this okay for a first date?'.

Within only seconds, Mikan had opened the snap.

 

_**Mikan is typing...** _

_**Message from Mikan** _

_**Mikan:** Yes! You look handsome! Good luck tonight! _

_**Nagito:** aaaaa thanks!! i'm nervous but excited!!!_

 

He put his phone in his back pocket and smiled. Now just to waste time until the doorbell rang.

Surprisingly, time passed pretty quickly now even though he was doing nothing. Before he knew it, he heard the doorbell chime from downstairs. He panicked, jumping up from his seat on the bed and looking around the room to make sure he had everything. His phone, his wallet... yup, he had everything. He was trembling now, more nervous than ever before. 

Going down the stairs, Nagito took a deep breath before opening the door.

_Shit._

In front of him stood Hajime. He was wearing dark jeans, a white tee, and a cargo jacket. He was more handsome than Nagito had seen him as before. And... he was holding flowers. White carnations, a flower symbolizing good luck.

_How fitting._

Hajime's cheeks were flushed as he greeted his date, "Hey."

"Hi." Nagito smiled.

"You look nice."

"So do you."

"Ah... thank you. Here, these are for you..." Hajime held out the carnations.

Nagito's pale skin turned pink, all the way from his cheeks to his ears, "Th-thank you." His own stuttering made him blush even more, embarrassed by the fact he was nervous. He graciously accepted the flowers and set them on a small table just past the threshold. He stooped down to slip on his shoes before stepping outside with Hajime, "Thank you for picking me up." 

"No problem. I kind of assumed you didn't have a car, since all the times I ran into you, you didn't have a ride anywhere." he shrugged nonchalantly. 

"Yeah... I've never had a car in my life, honestly." Nagito chuckled.

Hajime looked slightly shocked, "Really? With a place like this, I'd assume you could buy anything you wanted."

_Yup. That hit all the wrong spots._

With a pained smile, Nagito tried to explain something, "Um, ah... I don't like to talk about money. It's kind of a sore subject... I don't usually let people see where I live because of that, but I thought it would be rude to refuse you picking me up..."

"Oh, alright. I won't bring it up again." Hajime shrugged, not thinking much of it. He took it much better than Nagito had expected.

_Nice._

"Thanks." Nagito was very thankful for his willingness to brush the topic off, "So, where are we going?" 

"Ah, well the ice rink just opened up for the season, so I thought we could go there?" 

"Oh! I've never been ice skating before, it sounds like fun!" Nagito smiled brightly, becoming excited now. Ice skating, roller skating, he had never done any of those things. He'd only ever been to the movies once in his life! It was lame that he had never done so many things, but Nagito now hoped he could experience all sorts of new things with Hajime. 

"Have you eaten anything tonight?"

Nagito couldn't recall off the top of his head, but after a moment he answered, "No, I haven't."

"Then... do you want to get some street food?"

Nodding enthusiastically, Nagito replied, "Yeah, that sounds nice." 

"Sweet. Then, ah, let's go." It was clear by the tone in his voice that Hajime was a bit awkward at this, not used to taking people on dates. 

"Okay!" Nagito walked a step behind Hajime to his car, getting in on the passenger side. He buckled his seatbelt as Hajime went around the car to get in the driver's side. He bounced his legs on the car floor, not knowing if it was from anxiety or excitement. Either way, it didn't matter much if at all. 

Hajime got in, buckling up and starting the car. 

For the first minute, they were in complete silence.

Hajime was the one to break it, "My apologies if I'm a bit rusty, I haven't exactly been on a date in awhile, as pathetic as that sounds."

Nagito rushed to reassure him, "No, no, don't worry! Trust me, it's not pathetic at all!"

"You sure?"

"Yeah, of course! Trust me, I'm a lot more pathetic in terms of date," he hesitated, but decided to say what he wanted, "I've never been on a date... like... never, in my entire life." He crossed his fingers, wanting Hajime to not think he was weird for it.

"...seriously?" Hajime's voice had disbelief in it.

Nagito nodded.

"That's... crazy. You gotta be lying to me. Someone has to have asked you on a date. I mean, you're pretty!" 

A blush covered Nagito's entire face, "P-pretty?"

Hajime hadn't even realized what he had said before Nagito repeated it, but now he blushed as well, "Y-yeah. You're pretty."

Nagito felt happy.

 

* * *

 

 

Street food was nice, Nagito had some takoyaki which he enjoyed to the fullest. He hadn't had quality street food in a while. They chatted about light topics, making their way to the ice rink after their food. Nagito was excited to try ice skating! He wondered if it would be easy or difficult. 

They each rented their own skates, sitting down on a bench to slip them on.

Nagito laced his skates up and steadied himself with the bench, "Huh, these aren't that hard to balance on... this shouldn't be hard!" He was confident in his abilities to do well with this.

Hajime nodded, "Well, it's a lot different when you're on the ice. Try your best to not fall down." Hajime was pretty average at skating, as he came her with Chiaki often enough in the late fall and winter season. He didn't find it challenging, but knew that many people were terrible at the activity. He stood up on his own skates and headed to the rink.

Not prepared for how hard it would be, Nagito followed. He saw Hajime step on the rink and have no problem, so he did the same. Except... he did have a problem. Just a single step ono the ice, Nagito was wobbling like a newborn deer walking for the first time. "W-woah!" he was startled by the struggle to stay balanced, clinging to the outer wall of the rink. 

"Harder than you thought?" Hajime tried not to laugh at the other man's clumsiness. 

He nodded, "Just... a little. I have no idea how to do this." Nagito laughed at himself.

"Yeah, I can tell. Here, I'll teach you." Hajime held out his hand.

"Huh...? Nagito stared at the had that was being held out to him.

"Take my hand. I'll make sure you don't fall." Hajime smiled.

The smile of his crush made Nagito's heart race and his cheeks heat up. He nervously took Hajime's hand... it was warm, just as he imagined it to be.

 

__

* * *

 

 

After skating, it was already pretty late, at least half past town. Since it was late and he didn't want to go back to his cold, empty house, Nagito persuaded Hajime to let him sleep on the couch that night.

At the apartment, Hajime and Nagito both greeted Chiaki. Nagito really liked being here, the warmth of Chiaki and Hajime's friendship making the apartment seem very homey. Chiaki seemed happy to see the both of them, and even have Nagito a small hug upon saying hello. 

Chiaki seemed like she was just about to go to bed, so the two men let her excuse herself to rest. 

Hajime gave Nagito some clothes to sleep in since he had nothing with him. Nagito was excited to wear Hajime's clothing and changed in the bathroom while Hajime changed in his own room. He returned to the couch after that.

They didn't talk much after that, saying goodnight after about ten minutes.

The lights were turned off and Nagito laid on the couch, alone.

Being alone was never a good thing for him.

_You didn't deserve that. You're being selfish, letting yourself feel happy. How dare you? You're pathetic, worthless, nothing but trash._

_He probably only took you out because of pity._

_All you are is a bother._

_Useless._

_Good for nothing._

_You should just fucking die already._

_Die._

_Die._

_Die._

Nagito whispered into the darkness around him, "Die..."

Slowly, he stood up and made his way to the bedroom. He opened the cabinet above the sink.

_Score._

There were five or six different prescription bottles, as well as over the counter drugs as well. Nagito removed the bottles and set them on the counter. 

He unscrewed the caps one by one and poured the pills into the palm of his hand.

_It was time._

Nagito tilted his head back  _and he popped the pills._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one comment = one less tear shed every night :,)


	10. locked up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nagito awakes to a bright light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all thought i was lying when i said this was slow burn,,,,, trust me,,, this is some sLOW FUCKIN BURN

When Nagito opened his eyes, he saw a blinding brightness.

_Where was he?_

_Had he done it?_

_Was he finally able to die?_

_This was what he wanted._

_He was happy._

Nagito found himself standing in a boundless white area. He took a step forward, the sound of his foot hitting the ground echoing, bouncing off of the seemingly nonexistent walls of this space. No matter where he looked... there was nothing. It was entirely void here.

_He couldn't bother anyone here._

_This was good._

_This was what was meant to happen._

_This was what he wanted._

He felt the need to remind himself that this was his wish. He had wanted to die- that was why he attempted suicide in the first place.

_So why did it feel so wrong?_

Pivoting on his heel, Nagito looked around, searching again for someone, something, anything. But there was nothing. The only piece of matter in the vicinity was Nagito (which was ironic, as he felt he didn't matter one bit). He felt so alone. It was cold, lonely. Nagito frowned. He didn't like it here. He wanted out.

He wanted to go back.

He wanted to see Mikan again, meet her girlfriend. He wanted to bond more with Chiaki through their shared experiences. And... he wanted to spend more time with Hajime. Nagito wasn't satisfied with what his life had been up until now.

He didn't want to die.

 

* * *

 

 

This time, opening his eyes, Nagito's sight contained a tiled ceiling.

It was a hospital.

_He was alive._

_He was alive._

_He was alive._

Inside his mind, he chuckled. He was a fool, thinking that this suicide attempt would be unlike the others. He really just couldn't manage to kick the bucket so soon, despite what he sometimes wished. It was pathetically hilarious to him. Man.. he was a true psycho.

The word psycho always seemed to have a terribly negative connotation, no matter the context. When people thought of 'psychos' they pictured serial killers, druggies, and people along those lines. They never imagined people like Nagito. Nagito would never kill anyone, he would never do illegal drugs. He wasn't a psychopath- he just has psychosis. Everyone seemed to think those two things were the same thing, but they couldn't be more wrong.

While psychopaths loved themselves, rarely felt guilt or remorse, and were often extremely antisocial, people with psychosis showed many different symptoms. For Nagito, the symptoms he most experienced were sleep issues, delusional thinking, and disorganization of his thoughts and speech. If Nagito had a dollar for every time someone thought he had meant he was a psychopath when he told them he had psychosis, he would have double his fortune at this point.

_Ah, the perks of being legally crazy..._

He tilted his head and looked around, getting a feel for the room he was in. It was a private room, so the size was quite minimal. It was nice though.

No one seemed to be in the room at the moment, so Nagito took the time for himself to process the situation.

Right... how had he gotten here?

Nagito recalled his date with Hajime, going back to his place, and then... his attempt. That was all clear in his mind, but he couldn't remember if he threw up, if he passed out, or who brought him here. It had to be either Hajime or Chiaki, as they were the only others in the apartment when it happened.

His heart warmed up, thinking that someone cared about him enough to get him to the hospital. Mikan was the only person who had ever done that for him in the past.

He heard someone enter the room, so he instinctively turned his head to see who it was. Unsurprisingly, it was just a nurse.

The nurse's voice reached Nagito, "Good, you're awake."

"Yeah... what happened?" Nagito sat up in bed.

"You tried to overdose. You were brought here by a man, Hajime Hinata. You had passed out, but the medications you took didn't do the harm you intended. You'll be released from the hospital today, as there's no real damage. However, you're being admitted to a psychiatric ward, as you're a danger to yourself." 

Nagito sighed. He hated psych wards. He had been there once when he was younger, but had been avoiding going to one for a long time now. He figured he would be able to get out pretty quickly, especially if any of the nurses knew him and knew being in the ward wouldn't help him.

It still sucked though.

He wanted to go home.

"Now, you have some visitors. Would you like me to send them in?"

"Yeah, yeah. Thank you."

The nurse left, and within minutes a team of three walked into the room. Mikan, Chiaki, and Hajime.

Mikan rushed over to Nagito's bedside and hugged him, "Nagito, I was so worried! Why did you do that, you idiot?" Mikan scolded him, but seemed relieved that he was safe and healthy now, "Don't ever do that again! You can't leave me! You're my best friend, okay?"

"Okay." he nodded.

Mikan pulled back from the hug and brushed some hair from Nagito's face, "I'm glad you're safe." She kissed his forehead and stood back, giving room to whoever wanted to speak next.

Chiaki stepped up.

"Nagito... I know we don't know one another much, but I'm happy you're safe. I know you've been through a lot. I see myself in you, we have many shared experiences. I want you to know that you can make it past your troubles. I've made it past my own troubles. I believe in you. I'll be here supporting you from the sidelines." she gave him that gentle smile of her's, just like she had before. It was such a comforting thing to see... a perfectly soft smile. 

"Thank you." Nagito nodded and gave a smile that was difficult to muster up. He felt grateful.

Chiaki turned about and nudged Mikan, "Hey, let's go get some drinks from the vending machine. I can't carry all of them at once."

"Ah-! Okay, got it." Mikan seemed to know what Chiaki wanted her to do, and followed her out the door. 

Hajime and Nagito were the only ones in the room.

Nagito looked away, feeling ashamed of himself. He tried to kill himself in Hajime's apartment, his home. He made himself Hajime's problem. He felt guilty beyond compare. 

Hajime stepped forward and seated himself on the edge of Nagito's low quality hospital bed. He looked at his hands and then to Nagito, "How are you feeling?"

It was a simple question, but it eased Nagito's guilt slightly. He closed his eyes for a brief second and opened them as he answered, "I'm feeling... okay. I mostly just feel guilty. I caused you trouble by bringing my issues into your home and into your life. I'm sorry, Hajime."

"I-," Hajime paused, "Why? Why did you do it?"

"I... didn't want to bother you, Hajime. I enjoyed our date so much, and I really like you Hajime, in both a friendly and more than friendly way. Our date made me feel so much happiness, something I hadn't felt in a long time. But.. when I was left alone on the couch at night, I began thinking too much. I started thinking about how you probably asked me out because of pity, that I was bothering you that entire time. I hated myself for letting myself be selfish enough to bother someone I admire so much. I didn't want to cause any more trouble for you, so I thought if I ended it, it would be better for everyone." Nagito's voice got shakier as he spoke, along with his hands.

His shaking hands were covered with warm, slightly rougher and callous ones. 

Hajime was holding his hand.

"Nagito.. you're such an idiot. My mind doesn't work like yours. I don't ask people out on pity dates. I asked you on a date because I wanted to see you again. Even though you're insane, literally, legally... I enjoy being around you. You're frustrating, you're stubborn, you make me want to rip my hair out, but there's something that intrigues me so much about you. So don't go dying on me now, okay? I don't quite know if my feelings toward you are the same as yours toward mine, but I want to get to know you more. So knock this shit off. You're being damn selfish. If you died now, do you know how much pain you would cause? For me? For Mikan? You don't bother anyone by living, dumbass, you bother people by dying. Got it?"

Nagito's eyes were wide, his emotions going into overdrive. It was all he could manage to get out a confirmation, "O-okay."

"Good," Hajime squeezed Nagito's hand, "Now, you have to do your best in the psych ward. The sooner you get out, the sooner I might ask you for a second date."

He nodded quickly, "Y-yeah, okay. I'll do my best. Will... will you visit me? I don't know how long I'll be in there, and I want to be able to see you."

"I suppose... I could do that. I'll free up some time in my schedule to visit you. Wouldn't want you to get too lonely in there." Hajime chuckled, trying to make light of the situation."

"Thank you, Hajime. For everything. I've truly never met someone like you."

"And I've never met someone quite like you either."

"Then I guess we're even."

"Yeah."

They sat like that in silence, Hajime holding onto Nagito's hand and rubbing his thumb against the back of his hand. 

Nagito felt pretty okay for someone who had just attempted suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have depression please comment


	11. up to the brim with psychos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nagito is welcomed to the band of crazies 
> 
> someone familiar is there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops sorry for the late update,,,  
> i took an unintended weeklong hiatus and then a little more since my family visited me  
> i'll get back to more regular updates after this chapter <3

It was official: Nagito Komaeda hated this psych ward. 

As soon as he was taken there, they strip-searched him. He was never more uncomfortable than when he was at all unclothed in front of people, especially people he didn't know. He, of course, had valid reasons for hating it. 

Despite how much he hated it, Nagito was ashamed of how he had acted when they told him to take his hospital gown off. He'd gone into full-on breakdown mode, crying into his hands and hyperventilating. One of the nurses calmed him down enough to the point where he regulated his breathing. It took close to twenty minutes to get him to strip for the two nurses. He felt humiliated after the entire ordeal was over, but knew he couldn't go back and change his reaction.

Now, he sat in the cafeteria, wearing the plain scrub-material clothing he had been administered. 

_Ah, this truly was the life, wasn't it? Being watched over by far-too-cheery nurses while picking at school-quality food with a flimsy plastic fork._

_Great... just great._

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, exasperated. He didn't like it, but he knew he needed to get used to being here. Shoving some tasteless food into his mouth, he glanced around the room. In the corner, there was a short, purple-haired boy sitting with a taller boy with long dark hair and a mask over his face. The table next to him seated a girl with long, white-blonde hair who seemed to be talking to herself ecstatically. Off to his other side sat a larger group of four, a short red-haired girl with a sullen face, a white-haired boy with an emotionless face, a girl (or... boy?) with shoulder-length honey-blonde hair, and a blonde girl with darker skin than the rest. Sitting at a table near the middle, three girls with pigtails sat together. One with long brown ones, one with curly black one, and the third- no, no... it couldn't be.

The bright blonde hair, the cat bows, the small stature... it was her.

Hiyoko Saionji- Mikan's ex-girlfriend.

This wasn't good, oh no, this wasn't good at all. Just seeing her filled Nagito with indescribable rage. She had  _hurt_ his best friend. He could never forgive her. In his mind, Nagito could remember perfectly the time he walked in on the two, Mikan backed up against the wall, shaking and crying as Hiyoko screamed at her. That day had been the first time Nagito had really, truly hated someone. Hiyoko was as good as dead to Nagito. He was willing to give up his worries about bothering other people if it were to save Mikan from the little devil. 

When she had left Mikan, Nagito thought he had seen the last of her.

_This certainly was just his luck._

Nagito didn't know what to do. His mind was muddled with thoughts of anger and fury. He just wanted to go over there and slap the little bitch, but he knew he could get in a lot of trouble for doing that here. Instead, he just picked at his food and glared at her from afar, hoping that they would never have to interact in the time he was here. If he was on his best behavior, Nagito knew he could get out in about a week's time. 

_Just a week... he just needed to get through a week. It was going to be fine, he would make it through._ _Plus, Hajime had promised to visit him! And Mikan was definitely going to visit as well. He had that to look forward to, to get him through the dullness of psych ward life._

Nagito spoke to himself in his mind, calming himself down. 

_Everything would be fine... but he didn't really believe that, now did he?_

 

* * *

 

 

The first day was in an entirely new realm of boring. He had arrived in the late afternoon, so he only had dinner for a meal there. Aside from that, he met with the residential therapist and psychologist. He really hated the therapist, vastly preferring Mikan over this cheerful brown-haired girl with a high ponytail. Her mega optimistic outlook on everything made Nagito want to gag on a spoon. The psychologist, however, seemed quite tolerable. He dressed in dark colors and had a realistic outlook on life, and seemed to be struggling with a few problems of his own due to the dark circles under his eyes and the cap he refused to take off of his head. 

He also met a few of the nurses, who were kind, but far too cheery for his tastes. A pink haired man with bright yellow scrubs, a blonde woman with a music note pin in her hair, a purple haired man with galaxy print all over, and a girl with black, white, pink, and blue dyed hair were among a few unmemorable of the bunch. 

He shared his room with the masked boy he had noticed earlier. Neither of them seemed to want to talk, but the blonde nurse forced them to shake hands and introduce themselves. Nagito learned that his name was Korekiyo, but that was as far as the conversation went, despite the nurse's best efforts. They didn't speak for the rest of the night. 

For once, Nagito was able to fall asleep early.

 

* * *

 

 

Nagito was woken up far too early for him, a nurse standing over his bed. 

"Wake up, wake up! It's time to check your vitals for the day!" the pink-haired man gave Nagito a thumbs up, a wide smile on his face.

How could anyone, even a nurse, seem so happy in a place like this? The thought boggled Nagito's mind, but he couldn't bring himself to care very much. He sat up with a sigh, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and shaking his hair to its normal state. 

After getting dressed, he walked with the nurse (whose name he found out was Kazuichi) to get his vitals checked.

Once that was done, it was time for breakfast. Nagito headed to the cafeteria, expecting to sit alone like at dinner the previous night. However, he was greeted by the short, purple-haired boy who had been seated next to Korekiyo the night before. 

The boy, bouncing on his heels, gave a grin that spread across nearly his entire face, "Hi hi! I'm Kokichi Ouma, nice to meetcha!"

Slightly taken aback by the cheeriness of the boy, Nagito introduced himself, thinking it would be rude not to, "Ah, hello. I'm Nagito Komaeda." 

"Why don't you come sit with me and Kiyo-chan? You looked like a total loooooser sitting all alone last night!" Kokichi snickered, gesturing to the table in the corner where Korekiyo sat, waiting for Kokichi to return with or without Nagito. 

Nodding, Nagito agreed, "Alright, I guess I should get to know the people here so... yeah." He was a bit reluctant, but the look on Kokichi's face said that he didn't plan on taking no for an answer. He followed the shorter to the table in the corner, sitting down.

"Ah, hello... Nagito, was it?" Korekiyo raised a brow, seeming to remember that they were roommates. 

"Yeah, Korekiyo, right?" Nagito knew it was his name, but asked since Korekiyo had asked as well.

"Yes, yes..." Korekiyo nodded.

"Hmm..." Kokichi seemed to be thinking hard, "I know! How about we go and introduce our new friend Nagito here before we get our food? A genius idea, right, right?" Kokichi tugged on Korekiyo's arm, "C'mon Kiyo-chan, Nagito-chan!"

"Nagito... chan?" Nagito repeated, confused. No one had ever given him a nickname before, even one as simple as adding 'chan' onto the end of his name. It... made him happy, but he didn't let it show, feeling as though being so touched over such a simple thing would seem weird. 

"Yup, yup! Nagito-chan! Let's go!" Kokichi waited for the two to get up, leading them to another table.

The people seemed to be sitting at the same table's as dinner the night before, and this table held the girl who Nagito had seen talking to herself.

Kokichi grinned, placing a hand on the girl's shoulder, "Oh Miss Sonia! Are you up to meet someone new?" 

The girl, Sonia, seemed to be snapped out of a daze as Kokichi spoke to her. She stared at Kokichi for a moment, then her eyes went to Korekiyo, back to Kokichi, and then to Nagito. She turned her head to the side and whispered as if she were consulting with someone, but she was speaking to quietly to make out anything that she was saying. She turned back to the group of three and nodded, "Yes, Gundham says that it's okay to talk to you." 

"Sonia, this is Nagito. Nagito, this is Sonia!" Kokichi introduced them, "Go on, greet one another!"

"Ah, alright. I'm Nagito, it's nice to meet you Sonia." Nagito said cautiously, not knowing exactly what was wrong with the girl.

Sonia looked at Nagito's hand and softly shook it, nodding her head, "Nice to meet you too. Gundham says you're safe to talk to. He's okay with me talking to you." Sonia gave a small smile, "Gundham is my closest friend. No one else can see him, ever since the incident, no one else but me could see him anymore. But I know he's right here with me, I can see him. 

Kokichi patted Sonia on the back, "We've gotta go introduce Nagito to everyone else, but we'll talk to you later! Tell Gundham hi for me!"

Sonia nodded, and Kokichi led Nagito to the next table.

...Hiyoko's table.

The moment their eyes met, Nagito could tell that Hiyoko recognized him. They were caught in a stare down. Nagito felt his eye twitch in anger and his teeth clench. He just wanted to deck the short girl right there and then. He was filled with hatred and range. 

"Nagito." Hiyoko said, no malice on her face.

"Hiyoko..." Nagito replied, malice on his face and in his words.

The stared down one another for a bit longer, before Hiyoko stood up from the table.

"I... I need to go." she ran away, not saying another word.

Nagito had no idea what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont have anything witty just,,,, pl e as e,,, comment


	12. the fear of confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more first meetings
> 
> visitation time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates may be less frequent as im getting a bit busy- but i'll definitely update at least once a week!!

Both the people at Hiyoko's table and the two boys Nagito was with went silent after Hiyoko ran away. No one, not even Kokichi, knew what to do. They all just stood there, looking at one another with confused faces. Nagito, however, had his eyes trained on the seat where Hiyoko had been seated.

_Why was she here?_

_Why was Hiyoko, Mikan's abusive ex-girlfriend, here, in a psychiatric ward, of all places?!_

Nagito just couldn't wrap his mind around it. He had so many questions and no answers. He didn't know if he really wanted answers, or if he just wanted to stay as far away from the girl as possible. For now, at least, Nagito didn't even want to think of her. He wanted to put his mind on something else completely. Looking to Kokichi, Nagito attempted to defuse the awkward situation. "Ah... she was my friend's ex. Things are just a little weird between us, don't worry about it." he chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. 

Seemingly buying it, Kokichi shrugged it off, "Ah, alright, alright. I get it. Hiyoko is kind of a bitch anyways, so I'm not surprised she even has a bad rep with the new guy!" he laughed, the shit-eating grin returning to his face. "Well, the brown haired girl here is Maki, and the curly one is Celestia- Celeste for short! Maki, Celeste, this is Nagito-chan!" 

Both of the girls nodded, seemingly not caring too much. Maki just played with her hair and Celestia looked at her nails. They both seemed to be indifferent to Nagito, clearly not giving two shits about who he was or whatever was happening. 

"Just as talkative as always, I see!" Kokichi joked, "Tell Hiyoko for me if she comes back!" He moved along quickly, pulling Nagito and Korekiyo along by their wrists to the last table.

Nothing too interesting happened at the table, and none of the four patients seemed overly manic as the white-blonde girl from earlier had been. They all seemed fairly nice, although the girl Angie gave off a weird feeling of overly optimistic energy, and Kiibo seemed almost robotic in nature. Chihiro and Himiko both just appeared to be shy, introverted people, nothing unsettling or off about them as far as Nagito could notice. 

"Okay, okay! Here's the last of 'em! This is Nagito, guys, the fresh meat! Go ahead and devour him!" Kokichi joked, motioning to the table.

"Ooooh~! Nyahaha- I'm Angie! I'm the one chosen by Atua- the newest prophet!" Angie put her fingers to her temples and scrunched her eyes closed, humming as she thought. After a few seconds, her eyes snapped open and her face lit up, "Atua says he wants to help you! He sees potential in you, Nagito! We'll have to work together later, nyahaha!" she laughed, her nature bouncy. 

"I'm Kiibo. It is a pleasure to meet you." Kiibo stated, his voice monotone. He didn't pander on like Angie had, just nodding and going back to his drab looking meal.

The red-head was more outgoing than she appeared at first glance, opening up her mouth with ease, "I'm Himiko. I'm a mage! But my MP is seriously low in here... so I can't show you any magic right now..." Himiko sighed, a frown on her face. She yawned, rubbing her eyes in an attempt to wake herself up.

Fumbling nervously with their hands, the last member at the table spoke, "A-ah... I'm Chihiro..." Their face heated up, growing pink from just introducing themselves. 

Nagito must have been quite obvious about his thoughts, because Kokichi answered the question that was on his mind before he even thought to ask.

"Chihiro here isn't a boy or girl- isn't that cool? Everyone is questioning their sexuality because of them! No one knows whether it's gay or not to be crushing on them!" Kokichi laughed at his own joke, "They're super shy though- so they won't correct you if you use the wrong pronouns, so you gotta watch yourself! Just because they don't correct you doesn't mean it's not hurtful to be called a he or a she when you aren't either!" 

Chihiro's blush became darker, "K-Kokichi... you don't n-need to defend me like that... it's okay... I don't mind..."

Not letting up, Kokichi rested his arm on top of Chihiro's head, "Now now, Chi-chan. You've gotta stand up for yourself. Until you do- everyone here is going to protect you!" 

Covering their face, Chihiro gave up, sighing in defeat, "O-okay..."

After meeting the rest of the patients, Nagito went with Korekiyo and Kokichi to get their food. They made small talk over the meal, and Nagito actually didn't think about Hiyoko the entire time. It was an overall pleasant meal, even for being a psych ward. Nagito began to feel like he may be able to make it through his time here without many hiccups on the way. Kokichi and Korekiyo both appeared to be good people, since Nagito didn't find himself getting annoyed or frustrated as they spent time together. 

 

* * *

 

 

After breakfast, Nagito had his daily meeting with his therapist and then his psychologist, a routine he would get used to in the next week or so. He had some free time after these meetings, so he decided to hang out in the general living room in hopes that someone would come and visit him. Yes, he had made friends here (Could he call them friends? He knew that it was against ward policy to become friends with other patients, but no one ever adhered to that 'rule'), but he was missing Mikan already. Not to mention Hajime. Nagito was hoping that Hajime would keep his word and come to visit him. 

Soon enough, Nagito's wishes came true. He heard the door opening and looked over, seeing Mikan walk in. She walked up to the desk to be allowed in, and sauntered over to Nagito after just a minute. 

"Hi!" Mikan immediately hugged Nagito, ruffling his hair, "I thought I'd come to see how you were faring here." She let go of him, taking a seat beside her best friend. 

Nagito smiled, happy to see Mikan, "I'm doing pretty good. The people here aren't bad, but I still want to leave. It's more boring than normal life, being here." he sighed. In the back of his mind, thoughts of Hiyoko pushed their way up from where he had buried them earlier that day. He was torn. Should he mention her? Should he not? It had been a bit over a year since Mikan had seen Hiyoko, so he didn't know if it would be a bad idea to bring her up now. 

"Hm? Is there something on your mind?" Mikan seemed to pick up on his internal torment. 

Sighing once again, Nagito replied, "No, no... it's nothing. Just can't wait to get out of here, that's all."

Cocking an eyebrow, Mikan leaned closer, "You sure? It doesn't seem like nothing."

"I swear it's really nothing," Nagito protested, "You don't need to act like my therapist while I'm here, I have a different one, y'know?"

"Hmph, cheating on me with another therapist, I see." Mikan huffed, crossing her arms in faux resentment.

Glad to be back to the lighthearted mood, Nagito played along, "It's not what you're thinking- I didn't have any choice, Mikan!"

"Suuuure you didn't, that's what they all say." she turned her head, closing her eyes and acting cold.

Amping up the drama, Nagito grabbed Mikan's hand, "Please, please forgive me! It won't happen ever again- you're the only therapist out there for me!" 

"How do I know that I can trust you? You've broken my trust, Nagito. Tell me why I should give you another chance." 

"Mikan, Mikan please. Please forgive me! I'll never do it again. I-" Nagito was interrupted.

Mikan was staring past Nagito, wide-eyed and face full of shock, "H-Hiyoko?"  

_Shit._

Nagito internally panicked, not knowing what to do in this situation. 

_Of course, of course! Of course Hiyoko would show up- now of all times! Great, fantastic, amazing. Ah, god, what was he going to do? Was he supposed to act like he hadn't known Hiyoko was here? Would Mikan be mad at him for not telling her that Hiyoko was here?_

Nagito had absolutely positively zero ideas on what was the best route of action. He turned his head to see Hiyoko. The two girls were caught in a deadlock stare. Neither of them were moving.

"Ah... I... I didn't want to tell you she was here, Mikan. I didn't think she'd show up while you were here..." Nagito decided to tell the truth, putting a hand on Mikan's shoulder.

Still staring at Hiyoko, Mikan spoke, "She... she's here. Why... is she here?" Mikan's face was filled with confusion, "She's... ill? How... how did I never notice? What happened? Why, why, why..." Mikan began shaking, remembering her time with Hiyoko. 

Hiyoko slowly approached Nagito and Mikan, seeming much more nervous and vulnerable than she had ever been before, "H... Hi."

With a shaky voice, Mikan answered, "Hi..."

"Can... can I sit?" Hiyoko asked, her face guilty.

Nagito looked at Mikan and Mikan nodded. "Yeah, go ahead." Nagito answered for Mikan.

Hiyoko took a seat, folding her hands in her lap and not saying anything.

"Why... are you here?" Mikan managed to steady her voice, wanting to get the answers she needed. There had never been enough closure on their relationship. It ended on a sour note, and Mikan never found out why everything that happened had happened. Now was her chance to get the truth.

Hiyoko nodded before she spoke, understanding that she needed to tell Mikan what was going on. "I have IED, ah, I'm sure you know what that is, but," Hiyoko looked at Nagito, "It's intermittent explosive disorder, a really bad anger disorder..." She sighed, grasping her pigtails, "After everything that happened with me and you, I met a girl, Mahiru. She convinced me to go get help. So.. I saw a psychologist, and, lo and behold, she was right. There was something wrong with me."

Mikan nodded, letting out a breath. She wasn't quite sure how to take this. 

The next thing Hiyoko said shocked both Nagito as well as Mikan. She said something that the two best friends had never heard the shorter girl say.

"I'm... I'm sorry, Mikan."

Before she knew it... Mikan was crying. She wrapped her arms around herself, sniffling quietly.

Nagito put an arm around her, comforting his friend.

"I-I... you scared me so much Hiyoko. I thought it was a-all my fault, that I deserved it..." Mikan covered her face, embarrassed by her own crying.

Hiyoko nodded, and sighed, "I know, I know. You didn't deserve it. I took it all out on you. Can... can you ever forgive me?"

She wanted to, oh, Mikan so terribly wanted to forgive Hiyoko. But the pain she had caused her was just too much. "I...I'm sorry, Hiyoko. I can't... I can't forgive you. It's too much. I'm not ready to say I forgive you yet."

Hiyoko... wasn't happy with this answer. Her face turned sour and her tone changed from guilty to angry, "Seriously? Are you being serious with me? Jesus... you're such a fucking bitch, still! Of course you deserved it! Of course it was your fault! You should be the one apologizing to me, you nasty lying whore!" she snarled. Everything from before had been an act. The guilty face, the ashamed act, it was fake. Hiyoko... was still Hiyoko. She hadn't changed one bit.

Mikan didn't want to believe this. Mikan really wanted to believe that Hiyoko had changed, even if she couldn't forgive her quite yet.

Standing up, Hiyoko glared condescendingly at Mikan, "You're such a disgusting little trashy skank, you know that? How dare you say you won't forgive me? I was being nice, I was going to give you the silly little closure you wanted because I was feeling generous. Wow... of course you'd think you're above forgiveness. Disgusting. You're as useless as you were before." She walked closer to Mikan, bending down and getting in her face, "You're pigshit."

Mikan's eyes were wide, tears streaming down her face, "N-no, please... I'm s-sorry, please..." 

Nagito got up, running to go get one of the nurses before something even worse happened.

"You're fucking dead to me, Mikan." Hiyoko growled, a sharp look in her eyes before she slapped the purple-haired girl across the face.

Everything was happening all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im b e g g i n g you,,, pls,,,, comment or else ill vore myself


	13. elevation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an average day in the psych ward!
> 
> ...maybe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaa thank yall for being patient with me!  
> summer is coming to a close and im frantically trying to finish up all my schoolwork  
> hope you enjoy this chapter!!

Everything happened in a rush, the feeling dreamlike. Just a moment ago, Hiyoko had been so apologetic, sounding utterly sincere. But before she could have prevented it, Mikan felt the sting of her thorned words wrapping her body once again. The words hurt more than the hit did. She could handle the physical pain, but the mental and emotional pain pried her old wounds open, shoving the blade inside and twisting it with a smirk. 

_It hurt, it hurt, it hurt._

But oh, to be given attention once again, it felt so orgasmic. It was what Mikan had become addicted to before, the pleasure of being shamed. 

_The attention, the attention, the attention..._

Her vision became hazy from the all the attention. Hiyoko assaulting her, a nurse asking if she was okay... it was all just so much.

The world went black.

 

* * *

 

 

Nagito let out an exasperated sigh, stepping into the shower and turning it on. The pathetic little cups of shampoo and conditioner mocked him from their place on the little shelf of the shower. He hated this. He hated mental hospital showers.

He was lucky enough to not need someone to watch him, since his suicide attempt had been from pills and not drowning or cutting, but it was still a beyond shitty situation. It reminded him of the showers you would see at a campground- a large, open room with ugly tiling spanning the floor and the walls, a drain on the floor, and a small shelf to put soap and such, and another one further away from the shower to hold clothes and a towel. 

Soaked with water, his hair fell in his face. He sighed yet again, frowning.

He didn't know what to do. 

Attempting to clear his mind, Nagito went about his shower routine in the most normal way he could considering the situation he was in. He shampooed his hair, rinsing it out right after. He then conditioned his hair, leaving it to sit for a few minutes. He trailed his fingers down to his chest, smiling as he traced the two wide scars placed there. These were the only scars he could feel proud of. He did every time he showered- the pride of this scars filled up his mind enough to push Hiyoko to the back. 

With a thin washcloth, he lathered up his skin and rinsed off, now thinking about how much he wished he had music in here. Showers were just boring with only the sound of the water running. Not much he could do about it though, so he just hummed as he massaged the conditioner out of his hair. 

The one thing he was thankful about this shower was that his scheduled time was right before quiet time began. Therefore, he could shower and then go to bed right after like he normally did at home. 

Knowing his sense of time was skewed without his phone, Nagito finished up quite quickly as to not go over his allotted time. He dried off with the scratchy towel and pulled his pajamas on, leaving the towel draped on his head to soak up some for of the water in his hair.

Despite the chaotic day he had experienced, Nagito found himself falling asleep nearly as soon as his head hit his pillow. Before Korekiyo had even returned to their room, Nagito was out cold. 

 

* * *

 

 

Yet again, he was awoken early in the morning for his daily vital check. He would have sucked that goddamn pink-haired nurse's dick just to sleep for ten more minutes, he felt so utterly exhausted. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration... but then again, sucking dick definitely wasn't something Nagito disliked. He just... kind of... wanted to suck a specific person's dick. 

Great, now he was thinking of sucking Hajime's dick.

Perfect.

The thought of it affected him so much that the nurses were startled by his high heart rate.

Yeah... that was a fun one to explain.

At breakfast, Nagito actually found himself smiling and laughing along with Kokichi. Hiyoko was nowhere to be seen, so as the saying went: out of sight, out of mind. He assumed she wasn't allowed in the cafeteria with the other residents for while, due to her outburst, so he wouldn't have to worry about the little blonde hellion for the time being. 

Morning therapy went by normally, nothing too big happened. He got on a bit better with the cheery therapist than the previous day, so Nagito was feeling more positively charged than normal. He truly thought that this day was going to be a good day. 

After therapy was lunch, and then... arts and crafts time.

_What was this, a fucking summer camp?_

Sitting at a plastic table strewn with pencils, paper, and pens, Nagito felt like a complete child. There was even a lock on the goddamn safety scissors box that you had to have a nurse watch over you to use. It was humiliating. He was a grown, adult man, and he couldn't use fucking safety scissors without being watched like a first grader.

_Pathetic._

_"Draw how you're feeling," they said._

Nagito scoffed. 

 _Well, he_ was  _feeling okay up until this point in the day. For some reason, this just got right to his core. Arts and crafts. Arts and fucking crafts._

_How did he feel? How did he feel?_

_He's fucking show them._

Without even realizing it, Nagito did exactly what they wanted him to. He picked up one of the dull pencils with a tight grip, biting his lip as he moved his hand across the paper. He scribbled furiously, his mind in an angry state of haziness, just putting the lines on the paper without thinking a single bit. 

_The outline of his shoulders and up, messy hair and all. A censored bar across where his eyes and mouth would have been. An x across his neck. Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky... the bastard of a word strewn all over the page._

It was only after he had finished his drawing in a fit of rage that he realized he had done just what was intended.

_Goddammit. Nagito fucking hated himself so much._

 

* * *

 

 

The moment that Nagito had dreaded the most had arrived. It was time for the horrific group therapy. There was absolutely no way that he was going to pour out all his sorrows, woes, and worries to a group of fellow mentals that he had met barely two days prior. No way. No way in hell. 

Well, probably no way. 

Then again, he had told himself there was no way he was participating in arts and crafts, but he had ended up doing it anyway.

Man, he was really beginning to doubt his morale and resolve. He probably jinxed himself by saying he wouldn't spill his feelings out. Great. Amazing. Fabulous.

Nagito took his seat in the circle of chairs, looking to see who he was in the group with. He saw Chihiro, Kiibo, Angie, plus the familiar faces of Kokichi and Korekiyo.

Everyone greeted one another, and the session began. The focus of the day was self-image. Everyone had to go around in a circle and say three words to describe how they viewed themselves.

Chihiro was first, anxiously rubbing their hands together and speaking softly, "...weak... passive, helpless."

Kiibo, "Neutral, nothing, ah... stiff." 

_They all seemed so open, so truthful when they spoke. No one tried to hide anything. Nagito was shocked by how open the others seemed to be. He was the only one who appeared reluctant to reveal his thoughts on himself._

Angie, "Prophet, puppet, hm... divine."

Kokichi spoke cheerfully, but the words he chose were dark, "Liar, annoying, fake."

Korekiyo's voice was as calm and mysterious as always, and his words matched, "Myself, mm... focused, and... collected."

And then... it was Nagito's turn.

He considered lying, pretending that he liked himself. But... before he knew it, the words came out.

"...scum. Pathetic," he took a deep breath before saying the final word, "...lucky."

_Lucky. Lucky, lucky, lucky._

_He was lucky._

 

* * *

 

 

It was dinner when it happened. Nagito was sitting with Kokichi and Korekiyo as per usual. Everything seemed normal.

But slowly... a group of nurses gathered in the corner, a soft chatter among them.

 _That was... slightly odd..._ Nagito thought, but really didn't worry about it at all, shrugging it off and shoveling more food into his mouth. The food actually wasn't terrible, he supposed, as long as you could get past the fact that it had almost no flavor to it.

The day almost seemed normal.

 _Almost_ being the key word there.

Halfway through the scheduled dinner time, a voice rang out across the room. 

"Attention, please! We're going under lockdown. All patients need to go to their rooms and stay there until further notice." 

Everyone looked around, confused as to what was happening. Nothing like this had ever happened here before. Everyone seemed concerned, confused, and at least a bit alarmed. Before Nagito could even comprehend what was going on, Kokichi popped out from behind Nagito.

_Wait, what?_

_Hadn't the little gremlin literally just been sitting at the table? How- when- what? Nagito was sufficiently mind boggled by how sneaky this guy was. Wow. Wow. He just... did not understand how he had come and gone so quickly._

"Hey, hey, hey!" Kokichi spoke hushedly, "I just snuck on over there- Hiyoko is missing. That's why we're goin' into lockdown!" he grinned, seeming pleased with himself.

Still baffled over how Kokichi had gotten that information so quickly, Nagito furrowed his brows, "That's... probably not good. But then again, I kind of despise her, so... I don't care too much about her wellbeing at this point." he chuckled at his own honesty.

Kokichi laughed and shrugged very overdramatically, "Well... she is kind of a bitch, and after yesterday, I can see why you don't care for her. I just figured you'd like to know what was going on! Being in the dark about things is  _toooootally_ not fun! I know everything, all the time! If you ever need info- I've got ways to find out!" Kokichi winked, voice turning ominous.

_Well, that was slightly disconcerting._

Nagito just nodded, "Yeah, it's nice to know. Thanks."

"Nishishi~! Don't mention it!" Kokichi let out his signature mischievous laugh, "Welp! I'm going to my room before I get involved with this trouble!" With a cheerful wave, Kokichi seemed far too happy to throw away the rest of his food as he practically skipping his way down the hall to his room. 

Deciding to just shrug off the weirdness of Kokichi, and turned to Korekiyo, "Do you want to head back to our room?"

"Ah... you can go ahead. I'll be there in a few minutes." Korekiyo nodded slightly. 

_Why were the two people he hung out with so fucking ominous all the time? What the fuck was going on in this psycho trap?_

_Whatever. It was fine._

_He probably wouldn't be killed in his sleep._

_...probably._

Once again shrugging off the oddity that was his acquaintance, Nagito got up and threw his food away and headed to his room all by his lonesome. 

None of the thoughts in his mind could never have prepared him for the scene he walked in on. The moment he stepped into his room, a startled and terrified scream escaped his mouth with no filter.

There, on the floor in front of his bed, was Hiyoko. 

_Dead._

The bedsheets from Nagito's bed were pulled off and... and... they were wrapped tightly around the short girl's neck, strangling her. Her face was deathly pale, a blue hue covering her skin. It... it was the most horrific sight Nagito had ever seen.

He felt sick. The stomach acid was burning his throat, threatening to escape. He put a hand over his mouth, gagging and vomiting, the liquid gruel dripping out from behind his hand, dripping onto the floor.

_Sickening._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sso thhirsty,,, ffor comments,,, (also yes the scars on nagito's chest are top surgery scars :D)


	14. under the table

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aftermath of the accident
> 
> nagito sees hajime again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternative title: shady business practices  
> also... NSFW WARNING uhhh yeah, i uh,,, really,,, wanted to do this so theres a bit of nsfw.  
> if nsfw aint your thing, thats alright! its 100% skippable and irrelevant to the plot!!

Was it easy to tell a dead body from a live one?

Yes.

Dead bodies resided in the uncanny valley, looking so utterly human yet so utterly inhuman at the same time. 

Hiyoko looked just like she always had, but... something was so  _off_ about her. She reminded Nagito of one of the hyperrealistic wax figures that artists created of A-list celebrities. God, Nagito couldn't handle looking at her. The second he tried to lay his eyes on her corpse once again made him vomit up even more stomach acid.  

He had seen more blood in his life than any man should, but this was on an entirely different level. Even when his parents passed away, he didn't see the bodies. A shiver ran down his spine. He fell to his knees on the floor, his shaky legs unable to support him any longer. He keeled over, placing his forehead on the cold tiled ground as his choked up his guts. His nose touched the ground and he could feel the putrid liquid on his face, but he couldn't bring himself to care whether his face was disgusting or not. 

Footsteps rushed into the room behind him. He assumed it was nurses, but again, he didn't care. He was overwhelmed. This had to be a nightmare, right? Even though he hated Hiyoko, he didn't want her dead. Her death was going to crush Mikan even worse than it was crushing him. 

This was his fault. 

_His fault, his fault, his fault._

_If he hadn't been selfish enough to try and kill himself, he wouldn't have been taken here, and in turn, HIyoko and Mikan would have never reunited- which would have prevented this from happening._

_All his fucking fault._

Stuck in his mind, Nagito was pulled up off of the ground and away from the scene. If anyone had asked him any question, he hadn't heard. His ears were ringing and he felt dizzy. It all felt like a dream. He still didn't believe it was real. Surely he would wake up soon enough, and he would be back in his lumpy psych ward bed like nothing had ever happened. 

_Wrong yet again._

The ringing noise in his ears faded away, and when he realized what was happening, he saw that he was in an empty room with only a table and chairs. Next to him was Mikan, and beside him was a nurse who was wiping the vomit from his face. 

_Well, this was quite the... unusual situation._

_He wasn't exactly sure how much time had passed since he felt exactly how he did after drinking so much that he blacked out. It could have been hours, he had not a shard of an idea of what time it currently was, much less how much time had passed._

_No one even seemed to be questioning his own wellbeing, despite the vomit caked on his face. Nagito was really questioning the legitimacy of this psych ward. This place really couldn't be passing regulations at this point, letting patients not finish their meals, losing a patient, and not asking if a patient was okay after they had just walked in on a **dead** body for christ's sake._

After his face had been wiped, Mikan hugged Nagito tightly, "N-Nagito, are you okay?"

Shaking himself out from his trance to fret over Mikan, Nagito cupped his best friend's cheeks with his hands, "God, M-Mikan, I should be asking you that. Are... are you okay?" He stroked her cheek and then held her close to him, running his fingers through her hair. Feeling Mikan like this made him realize that this was absolute, 100%, truly real. 

"I-I think I'm okay. I... don't think this has fully sunk i-in." Mikan held Nagito tightly, not feeling well enough to let go so soon, "They called me a-as soon as they found you, since I'm your emergency contact. Th-thankfully I wasn't far away. I just... this doesn't seem real, Nagito."

Nagito nodded vigorously, "Yeah... it, kind of... seems like a dream. I just-"

Their moment was interrupted by a deep 'ahem' from the other side of the table.

_What the fuck? Was someone seriously interrupting them right after a most certainly traumatic experience? Nagito could not even believe the goddamn audacity of whoever this asshole shithead was. He didn't care about the disrespect to himself, but felt himself grow angry that they dared to lack respect towards Mikan._

Clenching his teeth to hold bad hideous insults, Nagito reluctantly let go of Mikan and turned to the source of the voice with an annoyed look on his face. "Yes?" Nagito asked in the fakest sweetest voice, as if he were a customer service provider who had really just been having a fuck all day and would rather have their leg knawed off by alligators than talk to anyone right then.

The man crossed his arms after pushing his glasses up and brushing his silky blond hair from his face, "I'm the owner of this establishment, call me Togami. I'm here to... strike up a little deal with the two of you."

_Alright, this sounded beyond sketchy. Nagito was intrigued._

He and Mikan exchanged a questioning look, and then Nagito spoke, "What kind of deal...?"

Byakuya grinned a shit-eating, self-centered smile, "Well, we can't be letting anyone know about your involvement in the accident. So, I need both of you to agree that you never spoke to Miss Saionji, that the little mishap during visitors never happened, and that you, Mister Komaeda, did  _not_ find the body."

_Wow, this was fucking shady. Exciting._

Nagito narrowed his eyes and cocked his right eyebrow, "And..? What would we get out of this? I fail to see how this would benefit anyone but you."

"It's simple, truly. If no one knows about your conflict with Miss Saionji, neither of you can be suspected of her murder."

Mikan seemed to get irked like Nagito now, giving Togami a deadpan face, "Seriously? It was a suicide, you told me that."

"Oh yes," Togami snickered, "It most certainly was, but that doesn't stop me from pushing the blame to one of you to prevent any bad press on myself."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Mikan stood up from her chair and placed her palms flat on the table, "We have alibis, shithead. If you tried to frame us, you'd just end up causing more trouble for yourself! I was with my girlfriend, and Nagito was here, obviously being checked on and observed very frequently. You're gonna need to offer a lot more than that to shut us up."

_Holy shit, Mikan was going **in** on this guy. Nagito hadn't seen her like this in forever, he wanted to cheer her on and tell her to claw his fucking eyes out. He, however, refrained._

With a chuckle of a heartless bastard, Togami spoke in a less than concerned manner, "With all due respect, I have more money than your measly little lives are worth. If I wanted, I could kill you and get away with it. I highly advise for you to hold yourselves back from attacking me. My final offer is to discharge Komaeda from this facility and not mention either of you in the investigation. Take it or leave it, but I suggest you take it."

Yet again, Mikan and Nagito exchanged a look.

The answer was obvious, what else could they say but yes?

 

* * *

 

 

Back to his free life, Nagito just tried to push how bad the business practices of the psych ward were. There was definitely something fishy and wrong going on there, but Nagito figured there was nothing he could do about it. Besides, he was more concerned about something,  _someone_ else.

_**Hajime.** _

Nagito didn't even go home before heading to Hajime's apartment, too eager to make any pit stops. He crossed his fingers after ringing the doorbell, hoping that Hajime wasn't at work. He found it extremely unlikely, as it was quarter after nine in the evening at this point, but hey, maybe he was somewhere else?

_Oh god, was he making a fool out of himself for coming here unannounced? Would he seem like a creep? What if Hajime secretly hated him? Oh god, oh god, oh god-_

The door opened, and Nagito was met with the sight of a disheveled Hajime. He wore a white collared shirt with the top three buttons undone, his tie was draped around his neck without a knot, and  _holy shit-_ Hajime had a five o'clock shadow on his face.

_That was beyond hot. Wow. Shit. Fuck. Just when Nagito thought he couldn't get any more attractive, here he was, with a goddamn stubble on his face and a beer in his hand._

Hajime's eyes seemed to brighten up as he saw Nagito, "Nagito... you're here."

Nagito smiled softly and nodded, "Yeah, I'm here."

Stepping aside, Hajime motioned for Nagito to enter while making conversation, "It's only been a few days, how are you already out?"

It was clear to see that Hajime was slightly tipsy, but he was still in the right state of mind. He wasn't even slurring or hiccupping, but his movements were slightly slowed. Nagito observed this before stepping inside and responding, "Guess I'm just that lucky, huh? I got out on good behavior, or maybe they just got tired of seeing this ugly mug." he chuckled as Hajime closed the door.

They both headed to the couch and took a seat, but not before Hajime got two more beers, another for himself and one for Nagito.

_Frankly, beer tasted like piss water to Nagito, but drinking with Hajime seemed like a good way to unwind._

"You're really stupid, you know that Nagito?" Hajime groaned, shoving Nagito's shoulder and resting his face in his hands. He really looked like he was in a slump.

Feeling a bit worried, Nagito put his hand on Hajime's thigh, "Are you... okay?"

Picking up his new beer and cracking it open, Hajime took a swig, "No, Nagito, I'm not okay. These past few days I have been worried sick about you. Even after seeing that you were still alive in the hospital, I just... I don't even fucking know. I don't get these goddamn feelings I'm having. I'm always so rational, logical, I don't let things like this get to me. But you... god, goddamn you Nagito, you have me feeling things I've never felt before and I just crave more of you. I can't stop myself from thinking of you, from wanting to see you more, to be there for you, comfort you. I just want to be able to help you and make you stable but I clearly can't because you tried to fucking kill yourself in my bathroom and I didn't prevent it. Just look at me. I'm a mess, Nagito. I should hate feeling like this, hate having these feelings, but you're addicting." He clenched his fist, turning to face Nagito.

Nagito... only knew one was to convey his feelings. He cupped Hajime's face in his hands and kissed him, hoping his emotions would reach him like this.

In an unspoken act of understanding, Hajime wrapped his arms around Nagito's waist, holding him close as if he were scared he would slip through the cracks if he let go. 

Nagito had never known a kiss could feel so intimate, so comforting. The kisses he knew were rough and lustful, from chapped lips of dirty old men cheating on their wives to get their rocks off with him. He broke away after a minute, pressing his forehead against Hajime's and speaking softly.

"I feel the same way, Hajime. I can't handle myself when I'm around you. I become selfish and even though I always believe I don't deserve the good things in life, I need you. I can't let you go. You don't pity me, you don't act as if I'm helpless. Hajime, god, oh god Hajime, I can't get enough of you. My mind is fucked up, you couldn't have prevented it. Hajime..."

Hajime chuckled and shook his head a little, reaching up and running his fingers through Nagito's hair, "You're fucking crazy, but in the best way possible. Maybe I'm a bit crazy too for wanting you, but I don't care at this point. I'm addicted and I need more of you."

Draping his arms over Hajime's neck, Nagito let out a chuckle as well, "You're crazy for wanting me, but it makes me feel like I've never felt before. What more do you want of me?"

"Just... anything. I just need to feel that you really are here. I'm still stuck in a daze, not sure if this is real or not. I just need to feel your skin, your hair, hear your voice. Just let me know that you're here."

"I... how far are you willing to go to know I'm real?" Nagito knew what he wanted to do, but he needed to have a little bit of a conversation with Hajime before.

"As far are you'll go. I have so many feelings for you, and I've never wanted to do this before, but I want to do this with you."

Nagito moved his head from resting against Hajime's, looking him in the eye, "I want to do this too, but... I need to tell you something first."

"Hm? What is it?"

"I, uh..." Nagito sighed, "I don't... have... a dick." He prepared himself for the worst reaction.

Hajime stared at him with a straight face, "...so?" he sighed, "That doesn't matter. You're still a guy. Nagito, I don't care if you have a dick or not."

"R...really?"

He nodded, "Of course. It doesn't change my mind. I still want to do this with you. But... my only concern is... are you okay with it?"

Understanding what Hajime meant, Nagito nodded, "Yeah. I'm okay with it. I really don't mind not having a dick. I've only ever struggled with top dysphoria, and I got surgery for that, so... I really don't mind you seeing my body." He smiled, reassuring Hajime that this really was okay with him.

Hajime returned the smile and nodded as well, "If you want to stop, you can just tell me, okay?"

"Yeah. I will, I promise."

They made out, kisses getting sloppier and much needier. Hajime ran his hands down Nagito's chest, slipping them under his shirt and feeling his cool skin.

A shiver ran down Nagito's spine, getting goosebumps when he felt Hajime's fingers ghost over his nipples. This was happening, it was really happening.

The room felt warmer and warmer, and soon enough, Nagito was in Hajime's lap, grinding down on his gently and feeling the other slowly get hard. Nagito couldn't wait. It was time to do what he had been thinking of that morning.

Breaking the kiss, Nagito slid down, ending up kneeling on the floor between Hajime's legs. There was no need for words, both men knew what was happening. Nagito pulled Hajime's grey sweatpants down slowly, bulge much more visible now with only boxers. 

Nagito mouthed at Hajime's length through the fabric, causing the boxers to get a bit wet.

Hajime put a hand in Nagito's hair, softly stroking his hand to encourage him. The view Hajime had was breathtaking. A man as beautiful as Nagito, on his knees in front of him, slowly dragging his boxers down and freeing his member. He gasped, feeling the chilly air hit him.

Nagito licked a long strip up the side, impressed with his size. He was around six inches even though he wasn't fully hard, and the hair was neatly trimmed so that it wasn't disgustingly unkempt. A low grunt from Hajime made his stomach flutter, feeling proud to be making Hajime feel good like this. He licked the lip, flicking his tongue over the salty slit on the top.

This action elicited a gasp from Hajime, tightening his grip on Nagito's hair every time he did this. It was a teasing action, and Hajime didn't mind the tease one bit.

But soon enough, Nagito took the head into his mouth, slowly bobbing his head and taking him further with each movement. Nagito was better than average at this, having honed his dick-sucking skills while living on the streets. Unlike other times he had done this, Nagito felt himself becoming wet just from doing this. The low and rough moans coming from Hajime's mouth were incredible, Nagito couldn't get enough.

Between being tipsy and not having a sexual encounter in a good while, Hajime was unable to last very long. Before he knew it, he was tugging on Nagito's hair body tensing up as he came into Nagito's mouth. His breathing was rough, letting out a grunt of "Nagito" as he came.

_Amazing._

Nagito swallowed as he pulled off, smiling up at Hajime.

Breathless, Hajime laughed airily, "You're so incredible, so amazing. God, N-Nagito... get up here."

Nagito pulled himself back onto the couch, hugged Hajime and kissing his cheek softly, "Was it good?"

"God... of course it was good, dummy. Let me do something for you too, o-okay?"

Shaking his head Nagito declined, "No, no... I'm okay. I... don't need it. Being here with you is enough. This is all I need, to be in your arms. Please, just let me have this moment. Making you feel good, hearing you moan my name, I just... need to savor this."

Hajime hugged Nagito in return, rubbing his back gently, "I'm here. I'm not going to let go...I'll keep you in my arms until you're ready to let go."

"...thank you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i gave u smut AND a longer chapter so PLS comment


	15. again, again, encore please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe this date will go better than the last one?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall,, sorry for the late update, school started and i tried to pull a nagito and overdose so YEET  
> tthis is basically just a fluffy chapter  
> thought yall deserved some happiness instead of ur normal angst

_ Ah… the morning after. It was always a great time, right? Waking up to a face you don’t remember after being abused and used as if you were some kind of inhuman sex doll. _

_ But this time… it was different.  _

Nagito opened his eyes, finding a smile on the face beside him.

_ Hajime. _

He felt his heart warm and butterflies appear in his stomach once more as he saw the one he was next to. 

A blush grew on Hajime’s cheeks as he looked away from Nagito, seemingly embarrassed at being caught staring. Oh, Nagito couldn’t hold himself back from teasing and poking fun at the flustered man he was with.

“Oh~?” Nagito had a playful smirk on his face, “Was someone watching me while I slept? Hm?” It took all of his self control to not burst out laughing at that very moment, seeing Hajime’s face heat up even more. 

“Shut… the fuck up…” Hajime grumbled, “If you’re just going to make fun of me… ughhhh, go back to sleep. You’re prettier when you’re asleep, when you’re awake, sometimes you just need to shut the fuck up.”

“Mm, you could make me shut up…” Nagito quipped, a chuckle slipping past his lips with a grin.

“Gross. No. Morning breath. That’s fucking disgusting.” Hajime put his hand over Nagito’s face, gently pushing him away.

Nagito smiled and laughed softly, a peaceful feeling settling into his mind. This… this was nice. He really wasn’t used to feeling… happy when he woke up. No matter how he tried, there was no denying the smile on his face. 

“So…” Hajime hummed, withdrawing his hand from Nagito’s face and placing it gently on his waist, “What now?”

Nagito closed his eyes and hummed in thought, “What do you mean ‘what now’?” 

“You know what I mean.”

“I… actually don’t. Hajime, I just woke up. I barely know my name, much less the subtext of your question. You need to remember that you’re far better at reading people than me.” Nagito deadpanned, his vocabulary surprisingly advanced for waking up only a couple minutes ago. 

“Wow, okay, my bluntness is rubbing off a bit, I see…” Hajime couldn’t help but to laugh a little, “But I meant… what are we? What do we do about us?”

_ Us. _

_ Such a simple word, but the emotion behind it was vast. Us. The two of them. Hajime Hinata and Nagito Komaeda. They existed in the same plane.  _

_ Incredible.  _

_ The word took Nagito’s breath away. _

“Us…” Nagito repeated, his gaze settling on Hajime’s face, “We can be whatever you want us to be.”

“Whatever I want…” Hajime seemed unsure of what he wanted.

Nagito pressed his forehead against Hajime’s, “You don’t have to decide now. It’s okay, don’t feel rushed. No matter what you decide, I’m still going to hold the feelings I have for you. Even if you were to tell me you never wanted to see me again, I would accept that. Just consider it, and tell me when you decide.”

Hajime closed his eyes and gave a gentle smile, “Thanks, Nagito. I’ll tell you when I know what I want. I’ll try not to make you wait too long for an answer.”

“Take your time. I’m just grateful that I’ve had any time with you. I’ve never felt genuinely happy, but, when I’m with you… I just stop worrying about everything. I don’t find myself degrading myself as much, I start to care about my own health and safety, I just feel at peace, happy, when I’m with you. I feel like I truly am lucky to have met you.”

Slightly shaking his head, Hajime pulled Nagito to his chest, “You’re so damn cheesy, god, what am I supposed to do with you?” Laughing lightly, Hajime ran a hand through the mess that was Nagito’s wispy white hair.

“Hm… maybe a date? I mean, I  _ did  _ suck you d-”

Hajime was quick to cut Nagito off, eyes snapping open, “Shut. Up. You were the one who wanted to!” he came to his own defense.

Amused, Nagito grinned, “Yeah, yeah… I did. I probably liked it just as much as you did, heh, maybe even more. But still… I do want to make up for what happened after our first date.”

“You liked it?” Hajime appeared to be surprised.

_ Oh, well this was a bit embarrassing for Nagito now. _

“I mean… yeah. I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to.” Nagito felt himself begin to blush, “If I’m going to be completely honest, yesterday while I was getting my vitals taken, I  _ kinda  _ started to think about sucking you off and the nurses became very concerned as my vitals were out of whack because of that,” he chuckled nervously, not wanting Hajime to think he was some kind of pervert or weirdo. 

Instead of seeming creeped out in the slightest, Hajime burst out in laughter, “Oh… oh my god… why are you like this…”

Feeling his entire face and his ears turn red, he became defensive, “I can’t control my thoughts! It happens! Don’t act like you never have those thoughts! Don’t laugh at me!” his voice had more of a whiny tone than an upset or angry one. 

Hajime let out a sigh as he finished his chuckling, “Well duh, of course I have those thoughts…” he hummed lowly, pressing his lips against Nagito’s neck and hummed, “I just keep quiet about them.”

“Mm, but I want to know your thoughts…” 

“Ah… maybe. I’ll tell you sometime… sometime when you aren’t expecting it. It would be amusing to see you taken off guard by an especially inappropriate thought.” Hajime had a smug look on his face.

Seeing this new, more mischievous side of Hajime… it excited Nagito. He smiled, “I suppose I’ll just have to wait to be surprised then.”

“Mmhm, you have to be patient. But, I do think I’d be up to taking you on another date. I don’t have work today, so if you’re up for it, we can go out tonight.”

“That sounds absolutely wonderful to me.” Nagito leaned in and pecked Hajime’s lips, despite having been told not to kiss him. He figures as long as it wasn’t an open-mouthed kiss, the morning breath couldn’t bother the other.

Hajime smiled against Nagito’s lips, humming a little bit before Nagito pulled back.

“I’ll have to take you home to let you get ready. Do you want to go now, or stay like this a little longer?” Hajime asked, inwardly hoping that Nagito would want to stay like this for a bit more. He hadn’t realized how touch starved he had been lately, he just didn’t want to let go of the man in his arms at this very moment. He felt comfortable, as if he could really be himself now. It was such a safe, warm, and inviting feeling. 

“Can we stay like this for a while? I… don’t want this moment to end. I know it can’t last forever, but just a little more, please…”

Cupping Nagito’s cheek and rubbing his thumb against the soft skin, “Yeah. I’m not ready for this moment to end either. We can stay like this.”

They shared a smile, finding comfort in one another’s gazes and arms. Worries no longer danced in their minds. All they were thinking about was each other.

_ Peaceful. _

Nagito had never experienced this feeling. Since he was a little kid, thoughts of being a bother, of being worthless, being pathetic, useless. Death was a reoccuring theme in his dreams and thoughts.

But now… _ now… _

_ He didn’t want to die. _

If it meant that he got to spend more time with Hajime, Nagito would give up his self destructive ways, stop trying to kill himself, stop whatever he needed to stop just to make sure he could exist in the same time and place as Hajime for even just a little bit longer.

He needed this.

The feeling of guilt gushed from every crevice of his mind, telling him to not do this, to stop being greedy and leave this man alone. 

Hajime deserved better.

He deserved better, but what he wanted was him, Nagito. Hajime wanted Nagito right now. He wasn’t looking at anyone but him in this moment. He was the sole object of Hajime’s attention. Even if he seemed frustrated with Nagito’s words or ways, Hajime was here with him right now. He wanted him here. Hajime had chosen this. Nagito hadn’t forced him to talk to him, to hold him, to even so much as acknowledge him. 

This was Hajime’s own free will.

For once, someone was caring about Nagito because they wanted to. Not out of moral obligation, not out of pity… just because he wanted to.

Nagito’s heart was pounding.

There was no way he could back out of this now.

His mind was telling him to quit is, but his heart yearned to continue. Instead of all the times prior where he listened to his mind… Nagito listened to his heart this time. He didn’t care if he didn’t deserve it… Nagito was determined to continue pursuing Hajime. 

He wanted this.

He  _ needed  _ this.

And he was going to get it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> school makes me wanna die so please comment to keep me goin


	16. your hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's a date baby!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? updating on time? it's more likely than you think  
> enjoy some nice fluffy content!!

A bit later in the day, around two in the afternoon, Hajime had driven Nagito back to his house to prepare for their date. Since Nagito hadn't planned on staying the night, he didn't even have clothes to change into for the day. Yeah, he could have worn Hajime's clothes... but did he really want to go out on a date while wearing someone else's clothes? No, the answer was no.

Hajime figured he would just wait for Nagito to get ready in the car, but to his surprise, Nagito invited him in, despite what he had said earlier about not liking others to see his home. It made him feel warm, knowing that Nagito was more comfortable with him than he was with others.

They walked up to Nagito's room together, not bothering to make small talk. Usually, the silence would have felt awkward, but between the two of them... silence was okay. They were just comforted by one another's presence, feeling no need to make meaningless conversation that would mean nothing.

Nagito opened the door to his room and stepped inside, Hajime just a step behind him.

Nagito's room was fairly small, especially compared the large, open, spacious rooms they had passed through to get here. Hajime supposed that this was most likely because, as he had mentioned before, he wasn't too fond of the whole 'rich' aspect of his life. ...Hajime wondered why that was. Maybe he'd have the chance to ask him tonight, get to know him more. Although they already knew quite a great deal about one another, Hajime found himself wondering what Nagito's favorite color was, what he liked to do in his free time, all the little questions that didn't really matter. Even though these little pieces of information may have seemed meaningless, Hajime still wanted to know everything there was to know about Nagito.

Sharing these feelings, Nagito was the same. He wanted to know all of the small, useless information about Hajime. The idea of knowing him better than anyone else... it made Nagito excited for what was to become of them, what would their relationship be? Would they date as he wanted so badly? Or would his dreams be crushed?

_No, no, Nagito didn't want to think about the possible bad outcomes. He was determined to think positively tonight. If he thought negatively, then there would be a far greater chance of the outing going down the toilet._

_Just think happy thoughts, be hopeful, hope, hope, hope... hope was what he needed to have._

He mentally crossed his fingers, sending a prayer to a god he didn't even believe in to make his luck work at least once more. He wanted to make up for what had happened on their last date. No trying to overdose in Hajime's bathroom this time. This date was going to go well, no, it needed to go well.

"You can sit on the bed." Nagito nodded, motioning over to his small, twin sized bed. It wasn't big, but Nagito had always slept alone in it, so there was no need for anything bigger.

"Alright." Hajime nodded as well, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. He scanned the room, noticing how tidy it was. Huh... he had expected Nagito to be more of a messy person, but it was exceptionally clean and organized. Everything was pretty neutral, there wasn't really any vibrant colors. Beige, grey, white, just the basic colors. There were drawings up on the wall, one of the walls almost completely filled with art.

"Did you draw all of this Nagito?" Hajime asked, standing back up and walking to inspect the papers closer.

"Ah... yeah. None of them are good, but I suppose it's my way of venting. I haven't really drawn anything lately though." Nagito sighed, "I guess I've just been lacking motivation, so I haven't done much of anything."

"No, they are good. You're talented, Nagito." Hajime brushed his fingers across the surface of the papers, "I think you should draw more. Even if you don't feel motivated, just keep doing it. It's a good way to cope and vent without hurting yourself like I noticed you do before."

Nagito glanced down at his wrists, realizing he had forgotten to bandage up the half-healed cuts. He felt guilty, hating the feeling of Hajime knowing he had cut himself.

Hajime must have caught onto this, as he stepped over to Nagito and held his hand, "Don't worry. My opinion of you isn't any different. I just wish you didn't do things like that. If you're ever feeling like you can't handle things or like you want to hurt yourself... you can call me. No matter when, I'll come and be here for you. Hell, call me at three in the morning and I'll still come. I want to be able to help you stop this."

A sheepish smiled on his face, Nagito chuckled, "Hah... thank you Hajime. I don't want to burden you with my problems though."

"You never bother me. Yeah, I find you annoying as all hell sometimes, but that's what I like about you. I've been used to a boring, mundane life every day, but with you, I never have a boring moment. There's always something strange and weird going on." Hajime laughed, "I swear, you're some kind of magnet for crazy people and situations."

"I do have quite a reputation of getting into crazy situations, that's for sure."

"But really, don't worry yourself over bothering me. You know I'm blunt. I don't sugarcoat things. So, I would say so if you were bothering me. I'm not someone who lies." Hajime squeezed his hand, reassuring him.

Nagito smiled softly, "Thank you... next time I start feeling the urge to hurt myself, I'll tell you."

"You promise?"

"Yeah, I promise."

"Good. Now get dressed. I don't want to go out to eat right when the dinner rush starts, then we'd have to wait for a table and it would be a much less enjoyable time."

Nagito let his hand drop from Hajime's, going to his dresser to get out some pants and then to his closet to pick a shirt.

Hajime went back to sitting on the bed, just continuing to look around the room and observe everything that was there. It seemed like a pretty ordinary room, for the most part, nothing too interesting to ask Nagito about. Even though Nagito had literally sucked his dick, Hajime still felt that he should look away as Nagito changed, not wanting to invade his privacy. But also... he kind of wanted to peek. Oh, the choices, the choices. As much as he wanted to, Hajime knew that he would feel wrong if he looked, so he stared at the wall instead. He was sure that he would get to see Nagito's body eventually, so he didn't want to rush it or do it without consent.

Nagito quickly got changed, dressing in his normal attire. He knew they weren't going anywhere too formal, hell, neither of them much enjoyed the fancier things in life. They both preferred just everyday things, like diners instead of high-end restaurants.

"Alright, I'm ready," Nagito announced, going to his desk and grabbing his wallet and phone from the place he had sat them down.

Hajime, however, didn't like this. He stood up, taking Nagito's wallet from his hands, "No, don't bring that."

"Huh? But... shouldn't I pay? I mean, I have a lot of money." Nagito tilted his head, confused.

"That doesn't matter. I want to treat you." Hajime insisted, "Money isn't a problem for either of us, we're both well off. So just let me do this."

"Alright... if you really want to..." Nagito nodded, not used to being treated this way. Everyone aside from Mikan, and now Hajime, had always made him pay, taken advantage and used him for his money. This was... different. It made him smile a little, knowing now that Hajime most definitely wasn't using him for his money.

He could never be more thankful for Hajime. He was being treated like an actual human, not just an object for sex, money, or being beaten up.

 

* * *

 

 

They sat in a corner booth inside a small, retro-style diner near the middle of the city. There weren't many other people there, as it was only around three at the time, not exactly the most popular time for dinner dates. Music played from behind the counter in the front of the diner, the atmosphere pleasant and calm.

Nagito bit a fry, humming softly to himself. He seemed content.

Hajime was glad to see Nagito so content, knowing that for him, it was difficult to feel happy in the life he led.

"Mm, so, Nagito... I want to know more about you," Hajime struck up a conversation, "I know so much about your personality, how you think, how your emotions are, but... I don't know much else."

"Huh? I'm... kind of boring though." Nagito gave a guilty smile, wiping his hands on a napkin to get the salt off of his fingertips.

Hajime sighed, his face sporting an expression that said 'seriously?'. He ran a hand through his hair and groaned, "Stop saying shit like that. Let me be cheesy and ask you stupid meaningless questions about yourself. I like you, I want to know more about you, idiot."

Nagito felt his face heat up in a light pink blush, "A-ah... what do you want to know?"

"Hm... what's your favorite color?"

"Really?" Nagito stifled a laugh, "That's what you're so adamant about knowing?"

Hajime frowned, "Just answer the question you dumbass." he sighed.

Nagito laughed lightheartedly before answering, "Green. You have to tell me your too now, y'know." he said.

"I suppose that's fair," Hajime agreed, "It seems like most people don't like it, but mine is orange."

For the next hour, the two of them talked over their meals, asking the most ridiculous questions.

_What was your favorite subject in high school? Do you sleep with your door opened or closed? Did you collect anything? Any secret talents? Sunrises or sunsets? Coke or Pepsi?_

The questions and answers had no meaning, no weight to them, they really didn't matter at all.

But... there was something so romantic about it. Just getting to know so much about another person, more than any normal friend would get to know, it was so appealing. It may not have been what people traditionally thought about as romantic, but there was something so... domestic about it. The mindless and effortless act of caring for someone. It wasn't a huge gesture, nothing that flat out said 'I care for you', it was something entirely different.

Most people would never care enough to learn all of these things, but being eager and wanting to learn these things stressed how much the pair cared about one another.

Nagito felt free. He didn't feel conceited or guilty for talking about himself. His mind wasn't ridden with self-deprecating thoughts for once. All that was on his mind was getting to know more about Hajime, wanting to spend more time with him.

Hajime set Nagito's mind free from the burdens it carried. The words just flowed from Nagito's mouth without even thinking about if he was being annoying or weird. He felt... normal. He felt like a normal person.

_Was this what happiness was?_

_Was happiness sitting in a slightly rundown diner, sipping a watered-down soda, and talking to someone face to face?_

_Could something so simple be what Nagito had been looking for this entire time?_

_Is this what he had needed to heal? To feel okay?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment,,,, if i dont comment kokichi is going to vore my toes pls stop h i m


	17. realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the date continues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaa sorry for being late with this update!! i was really busy this past weekend!!  
> mostly just fluff here!! i hope it melts your heart bc my heart melted while writing this

The night didn't end there. After their dinner, Hajime told Nagito that he was going to take him somewhere, but when Nagito asked where, Hajime refused to tell him. 

Normally, Nagito wasn't a big fan of surprises, they filled him with irrational anxieties about what could happen. With Hajime, though, Nagito felt calm. He wasn't worried about all of the negative possibilities, he was calm. He trusted Hajime to not let anything bad happen.

They drove for the better part of an hour. Nagito watched the sky become dark and the city begin to fade into the distance in that time. There wasn't much conversation, just the quiet hum of the car and the radio to fill the silence. 

For once, the silence didn't scare Nagito. It left him alone with his thoughts, yes, but it wasn't bad this time. His thoughts remained peaceful, just as they were at the diner. 

Nagito smiled softly and leaned his head against the cool glass of the window, letting his eyes close. He wished he could stay like this forever. This was what life was meant to be. Simple, yet so incredibly calm and happy. This was the life he felt he could have never even dreamed of. This was the life he had always seen in movies- the cheesy romance ones to be exact. He had always scoffed at them, believing they were unrealistic and outlandish. He chuckled, knowing how wrong he was.

This was life as it was intended to be. Car rides in the middle of nowhere as the sun set, feeling hopeful even in the presence of bad possibilities... this was truly the high of life. 

Happiness. 

Today had been the first time in Nagito's entire life that he had felt pure, unadulterated happiness. And oh god, it was incredible.

He felt unburdened by his normal woes and worries. He felt free from all judgment, from all danger, from all of the bad in the world. 

He felt... worthy.

Had he deserved this all along? Had his way of thinking truly been wrong? Had he not deserved all of the pain that seemed to be tossed his way every single day? Had he actually deserved to be happy this entire time?

He had lived his entire life believing that he was the worst person on the entire planet, that he deserved to be tortured and used purely because he existed.

He thought back to Hajime's words before.

He wasn't special. He wasn't special. He wasn't special. 

His life wasn't a special case- he deserved happiness just like the rest of humanity. Nagito deserved to be happy. 

How had he gone his entire life without realizing this?

Every single day, he lived his life with thoughts of self-depreciation, never thinking he was worth a single penny. He had been wrong, hadn't he? All along, it was just him and his mind telling him that he didn't deserve this. And for what? Was it just to pity himself? To justify the treatment he was given by others? Why the hell had been the damn point of this all? All of his self-loathing, all of the times he purposely got himself into bad situations... why? There was no point to it. There was absolutely no reason for how Nagito was living. He lived in a bubble of pity he formed around himself. He acted as if everything was all about him.

Had he really been that stupid?

What the fuck? What in the actual, literal, genuine fuck? Why had he spent his entire life this way? There was no point to it. He was only enabling others to continue self-destructive habits. He wasn't helping anyone by being like this.

He was a doormat. The dictionary definition of an inferiority complex. God... he was so fucking idiotic. He just wanted to go back in time and slap his childhood self in the face, tell the imbecile that he needed to get his head out of his own ass and act like a real person. He couldn't just sit around all day and pity himself- if he wanted to get better and be helpful to others, he had to actually work for it goddammit! 

"Hajime." Nagito opened his eyes, looking over to the driving man.

Taking his eyes off the road for but a moment, Hajime glanced at Nagito, "Hm? What is it? We're almost there."

"You were right. I'm... not special." Nagito nodded, "Even though I said I felt I was the scum of the earth... I still thought I was special. I thought I deserved the worst and everyone else deserved better. I thought my life was some kind of special case. But... it's not. I'm no worse than anyone else. I don't deserve worse, I don't deserve to be treated the way I let myself be treated. I just... told myself that. But... nothing I believed about myself was true, was it?" 

Turning onto a dirt road and pulling over on the side, Hajime put the car into park, "Yeah. I told you that before." he seemed to be speaking so offhandedly about this, like it wasn't a big deal to him or anything. 

"I was really stupid, wasn't I?" Nagito undid his seatbelt, seeing Hajime doing the same. 

"Yeah. You were." Hajime agreed, "So you finally realized it, huh?"

Nagito nodded, "...yeah."

Hajime turned in his seat to face Nagito, "I knew you'd realize it someday. You're still going to struggle and have shitty and stupid thoughts, but realizing your problem is a really big step. Ah, this is going to sound cheesy, but I guess I'll still say it... I'm proud of you. I know that may not mean much, but it's true. Honestly, I was starting to think you'd never realize it, you idiot." He reached over and playfully shoved Nagito, smiling at him with a caring look on his face. 

"Ew, that's disgustingly cheesy, I love it." Nagito laughed, leaning over and pecking Hajime's lips.

Hajime chuckled along with Nagito, "Just get out of the car you fool." 

"A fool? Wow... I'm so offended..." Nagito put his hand to his chest, gasping to feign offense.

"Yeah, yeah, just get out." Hajime shook his head, letting out a mix of a sigh and a laugh.

Nagito laughed a little as well as he got out of the car, looking around at their surroundings. To be honest, he had literally no fucking clue as to where they were. It was beautiful though. 

Through their drive, the sun had set and the sky had become a deep blue color, stars twinkling in the darkness. They were in the countryside now, large blank fields spread out before them. There were woods a bit further down the road, the moonlight filtering through the trees blocking it from full view. It truly was a gorgeous view from where Nagito stood.

Hajime slammed the car door close, going around the side of the car to join Nagito. In his arms, he held a large, quilted blanket. He took a few steps into the field before them before looking over his shoulder and motioning to Nagito, "Come on, do you plan on just standing there like some kind of dumbass?"

Nagito stared blankly at Hajime for a moment before quickly nodding and jogging to catch up with Hajime, "Ah- yeah. Where are we going?"

"Stargazing."

"That's... fucking cheesy."

"Yeah, we've already established that this entire night is cheesy, so fuck off."

Nagito laughed airily and nodded, "I never said I didn't like it. I haven't felt this happy in... well, probably in my whole life," he admitted.

"That can't be true." Even though Nagito couldn't see his face, Hajime was blushing, smiling. 

"It is, really. I'm not lying to you. I feel really happy right now, being here with you. This night has made me the happiest I've felt in so long. I haven't had any worries tonight. I haven't had self-deprecating thoughts, thoughts of dying, anything like that. I was thinking this before- this is just like a stereotypical romance movie, and I love it. I feel so much joy here with you in this moment, Hajime."

That was it, that was it. Hajime couldn't take any more of this. He turned around, dropping the blanket in the grass and grabbing Nagito by the wrist, pressing his lips against his in a passionate kiss. No matter how much his brain tried to deny his heart's true feelings- Hajime had fallen for Nagito. He was unable to deny it any longer.

Nagito tensed up at first, clearly shocked by the sudden action from Hajime, but was quick to relax, closing his eyes and reciprocating the kiss. For a moment, his mind went to trying to tell him he didn't deserve this, but he pushed it away, refusing to let his mind ruin this night for him.

It was far more emotional of a kiss than they had shared before, when the broke apart, Nagito could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He felt wanted.

"Nagito... fuck." Hajime stepped back slightly, grasping Nagito's hand, "I can't do this. I can't. I'm trying to tell myself that these feelings for you aren't real, but they are. I can't be without you anymore. I've fallen for you."

Nagito's cheeks heated up, blush hidden by the dark setting, "H-Hajime..."

"No, shh, just let me talk for a minute." Hajime shushed him, a sense of determination in his voice, "I like you Nagito. You're an absolute idiot and a dumbass, but I like you. I find myself unable to stop my mind from being occupied with the thought of you. It's frustrating- I've never felt like this before, never in my entire life, but I have really strong feelings for you. I... want you to be mind. Now, thinking of you doing things like this with someone else, holding someone else's hand, kissing someone else... I hate it. It makes me feel jealous even though none of those things are actually happening. Fuck... I guess what I'm trying to get at, I'll just make this as simple as it can be- Nagito, will you be my boyfriend?"

 

Nagito's heart was full at the very moment. The rush of emotions he felt was unlike any other he had experienced in the past. Not even needed to think about his answer, Nagito nodded, "Yeah. Of course I will be."

 

Hajime pulled Nagito into his arms, "You may be an idiot, but now you're my idiot." he chuckled.

 

"I'm... so happy." Nagito laughed a little, but felt tears start to bubble up in his eyes.

 

"Hey- don't cry, I don't know how to deal with you crying y'know?"

 

Even though Hajime told him not to, the waterworks had already begun and couldn't be stopped now. Nagito began sniffling at first, but it quickly turned into full on sobs. He buried his face in Hajime's neck, hugging him tightly, seeming unwilling to let go, "I-I'm just so happy now Hajime. I just... I've never felt like this before. No one has ever treated me like this, never h-had feelings for me like this. I'm scared, I'm scared that I'm going to wake up any moment and this will all have been a d-dream."

 

"This isn't a dream, shh.. I promise it isn't." Hajime tried to soothe him, running his hand through his hair, "It's real. I'm here. I'm here... I want to keep making you happy, okay? You can be yourself around me, I like you for you... I'm here. This is real."

 

_It was real._

 

_Real, real, real..._

 

_For once, his happiness was real._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment or else ill kill nagito off. ill do it. i stg ill fucking do it.


	18. the end of a night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nagito and hajime end the night together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uHHH this is literally over 3000 words oops,,, super long chapter i hope you like it??  
> theres nsfw in here!!! you can skip it if you want though!! its near the end

As perfectly as the night has been going, of course, something had to come and rain on their parade.

...quite literally. 

They had been laying in the field on the quilt, holding one another's hands and looking up at the sky. It was 100% exactly like a romantic comedy. But then... the clouds filtered in, covering the stars, and before they could even know what was happening, it began pouring. 

They ran back to the car, using the quilt as a makeshift umbrella, Hajime cursing and Nagito laughing as they ran. Of course something like this happened- it was just Nagito's bad luck! For once, he wasn't upset at his bad luck, he actually found it fun, amusing. 

Maybe now he could look at the bad things in life and put a good spin on them. He was thinking so positively now- it was incredible! Life was so much more fun with a mindset like this, it was crazy to see how much and how quickly things could change all because of a sudden realization. 

To the surprise of both of them, Nagito suggested something.

"Hey, do you want to come back to my place?" 

This was a first for Nagito. Never, not even one time in his life, had he invited someone over to his house. Yes, people had visited his home before, but he had never suggested it. He tried to keep his home a secret from as many people as possible.

That night had been so amazing, maybe Nagito was on some sort of high. He just... suggested it without even thinking. He didn't feel anxious, didn't think Hajime was going to judge his wealth or try to take advantage of his money. He felt comfortable, even more comfortable then he had ever felt with letting Mikan come over to his home.

It made him feel slightly guilty, the fact that he was more comfortable with a man he had only recently met than his best friend of years now, but... he knew that Mikan wouldn't take offense to it, or at least that's what he reassured himself of.

Hajime agreed, obviously, and changed their route to one that went to Nagito's home. It really wasn't that far from his own home, so it wasn't a huge change in directions to set that as their destination instead. He knew that Nagito was uncomfortable with his wealth, and so his heart felt warm with the knowledge that Nagito trusted him enough to let him see even the things he wasn't too comfortable with.

The drive back from the country was similar to the one to it- quiet and peaceful. The air was void of words, yet it wasn't an awkward silence. 

For some reason, returning drives always seemed shorter, and that wasn't an exception in this case. Before Nagito knew it, they were pulling up to the front of his home. 

They both got out of the car, Nagito digging his house key out from his pocket. He unlocked the door and walked inside, Hajime following a step behind. They both slipped their shoes off in the foyer before heading upstairs. Instinctively, they reached for one another's hands as they walked, holding hands as if it were the most natural thing in the world. 

They entered Nagito's room, dark until Nagito flipped the lights on. "Ah, y'know, I invited you here, but I don't really know what to do now..." Nagito chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck in a sheepish motion. 

"We don't have to do anything in particular, ah, here comes the cheesiness again, as long as we're spending time together, it doesn't so much matter what we're doing."

"Yup, that definitely was cheesy. You're not wrong, though." Nagito admitted his agreeance. He let go of Hajime's hand, sitting down on the bed, "We can just... sit I guess? See where it ends up naturally."

Hajime sat beside him, nodding, "Yeah, we'll just see where it goes."

Nagito leaned his head on Hajime's shoulder, sighing in content, "I've never dated anyone before."

"Well, yeah. You said that you hadn't ever gone on a date, so I kind of assumed as much."

"Ah, I see... geez, I'm a real loser, huh? Not even in a particularly self-deprecating way, a man in their twenties who's never been in a relationship seems lame, yeah?"

"I mean..." Hajime said reluctantly, "Ah, only slightly. It's more out of the ordinary that lame. I wouldn't say you're a loser because of it."

"Even if it does make me a loser, I have you now, so I'm not a loser anymore, right?"

"Oh, no, you're still a total loser,not because of never having dated anyone before though." Hajime poked fun, teasing the other male.

Nagito pouted, glancing up at Hajime from where he was slumped against his side (usually they were eye level with one another, however, since Nagito was leaning against Hajime, he was down a bit more than usual), "You're mean."

"Maybe I am, but you still like me."

"Hmph... yeah, I do. You could stab me in the heart and I'd still hold the same feelings for you." Nagito sat up straight, smiling. What he said was true, really. And maybe Hajime had already stabbed him through the heart, only more in a metaphorical sense than a physical one. 

"That's, uh... sweet?" Hajime smiled awkwardly, "I won't stab you though, that would defeat the entire purpose of dating you. I don't want to kill you, I'm not that kind of boyfriend." 

"Well, that's probably a good thing. It may be a bit concerning if you wanted to kill me. I mean, I wouldn't blame you for wanting to, but I don't know if I'd like to date someone who's out to murder me." Nagito laughed, "I guess I'd rather die by your hands than anyone else's though, if I had to pick someone to kill me."

"Seriously? You'd make me carry the weight of having to kill you? That's fucked up. If you could pick anyone in the world to kill you, it would be me?"

"Fuck, now that you put it that way..." Nagito hummed, "It would suck to have to carry the guilt of killing your partner, wouldn't it? Maybe I would have to pick someone I hate, ah, but I really don't hate anyone..."

"For fuck's sake Nagito, let's just drop the topic. I'd rather not imagine you being killed right now, that's not really romantic or nice, now is it?" Hajime groaned, regretting continuing the topic of Nagito being killed by him or someone else. 

"But really, what if-"

Hajime cut Nagito off- not with his words, instead doing so with a kiss. He pressed his lips against Nagito's roughly, knowing this would be the best way to shut him up. He had been wanting to do this anyways, and this seemed like the perfect reason and opportunity to do so. Since last night, Hajime had wanted to... pay him back for the... favor he did. 

He softly pinned Nagito to the wall, hands on his chest to keep him in place. Hajime was careful to not be rough, remembering the night he had saved Nagito from the perverted older man. The last thing he wanted to do was to bring back unwanted memories. 

Nagito didn't resist, quickly melting into the kiss. He let himself be pushed to the wall, putting his hands on Hajime's sides. He had a feeling that he knew where this was going to end up, and he was more than okay with it. In his mind, he just assumed it would be like the night prior- he would help Hajime get off and then that would be it.

Hajime, however, had something different in mind. There was no part of his brain that was focused on himself. What he wanted to do was to pleasure Nagito. He wanted to show him that he was cared for, that he didn't want to use Nagito solely for his own pleasure. It was clear to him that Nagito had a bad past in regards to sexual encounters- and he wanted to write over those bad experiences with newer, better ones. He wondered if anyone had ever taken the time to think about how Nagito felt... had anyone ever focused on his pleasure instead of their own? 

It was an odd thought, thinking that Nagito had been having sex that was consensual yet... the furthest thing from what he wanted. 

He broke the kiss, looking into Nagito's eyes, "Hey, try to focus on yourself tonight, okay?"

The confusion in Nagito's eyes was clear. He hadn't expected this, "W...what?" he asked, tilting his head a little.

"You heard me. I want you to focus on yourself, on your own pleasure." 

"My own... pleasure?" Nagito still didn't seem to be getting it. The words weren't making sense in his mind. His own pleasure? He had never thought of that before. Sex had always been about the other person. He did what he had to do to get the money he needed to live, and that was all it was. His own feelings didn't matter, only those of his partner or partners for the night. 

"Yeah. Tonight is all about you." Hajime spoke gently, "Just relax and let me take control."

Nagito nodded, seeming a bit nervous about relinquishing control. He had truly never let himself go fully to someone else, never trusted others with his body. He was constantly focused on how others felt instead of himself. Tonight... would be the first time he would consider his own wants and needs.

"I promise I'll be gentle. I'm not going to do anything that you're uncomfortable with." Hajime leaned in and kissed Nagito's forehead, pushing his fluffy hair out of the way. 

Nagito laughed a little, "I'm not uncomfortable with anything, as long as it's with you."

"Wow, now look who's being the cheesy one." Hajime teased, a small smirk dancing on his lips. 

"Just shut up and kiss me." Nagito said, pulling Hajime in for another kiss. Instead of trying anything, he let Hajime take the lead. He was willing to completely relinquish control if only it were to Hajime.

And boy oh boy- Hajime did not disappoint when it came to leading. That lawyer could probably make the biggest bear of a gay man submit within seconds. He slid his hands beneath Nagito's shirt, edging his knee between his legs and pressing against his crotch. With a slight nip on Nagito's bottom lip, Hajime slipped his tongue inside the other's mouth. As they kissed, Hajime guided Nagito so that he was laying down on the bed. He pushed Nagito's shirt up, making a motion to indicate he wanted to take it off.

Pulling away from the kiss, Nagito let Hajime pull his shirt over his head. The air in the room was chilly, causing Nagito's nipples to perk up at the change in temperature.

"You're- you're pretty damn hot when you're all dominant and in control like this." Nagito laughed a little bit, smiling at the man above him. He had never felt so calm and happy about a sexual encounter. IT was liberating to feel so safe.

Hajime huffed, clearly being a bit flustered, "Just shut up... you're better when you're quiet."

If it had been only a day earlier, Nagito would have taken that personally. He would have used it as an excuse to degrade and put himself down. But instead, he just laughed it off lightly, "Why don't you make me shut up, hm?" he quipped. 

Hajime seemed more than happy to oblige Nagito's idea, capturing his lips once more. One hand traced Nagito's chest, softly brushing over his nipples and eliciting a gasp from the one beneath him, his other hand keeping him from just falling on top of Nagito.

The kiss didn't stop, getting rougher, sloppier, more desperate. Spoken and unspoken feelings alike all came out now, the emotions traveling without any words needed. 

Nagito got more sensitive as they continued, feeling his thighs quiver slightly as Hajime toyed with his nipples. He was pretty sensitive their, even considering the surgery he had gotten. Most people lost some to all of the sensitivity in their chest after top surgery, but Nagito had kept his- hey, it had ended up being pretty good luck!

Thoughts of his luck were quite quickly diminished and pushed to the back of his mind as Hajime pressed his knee a bit roughed against Nagito's crotch. His hips jerked involuntarily, breaking their kiss with a slight whimper.

Oh god, had he seriously just made that noise? Oh fuck, oh shit, oh this was humiliating. 

He had always retained control of his noises in past experiences, however for some reason... he couldn't now. Why was that? It made absolutely no sense, not even one bit. He expected Hajime to be turned off, if not completely disgusted by the sound, but...

"Keep letting out noises like that." Hajime grumbled, lips trailing down to Nagito's neck, "Can I leave marks?"

He... liked hearing those types of noises? Nagito was a bit surprised, but was open to not hold back. After all, it was Hajime, and anyways, he had read an article that said the louder you are during sex, the more your body feels pleasure. 

As for marks... those had always been a touchy thing for Nagito. After getting so many forceful and unwanted ones, it was nerve wracking for him. He had to remind himself that this was Hajime, Hajime, Hajime. If it was Hajime, it would all be okay.

Nodding, Nagito answered, "Yeah, go ahead."

Hajime smiled against Nagito's skin, knowing this was special. He kissed at his neck, nipping gently at the skin before sucking on it to create a small mark. He wouldn't take it too far this time, just little by little. Going slow was perfectly fine with him. He trailed his hands down from Nagito's chest to his hips, tugging on the waistband of his jeans.

Understanding what Hajime wanted, Nagito lifted his hips up- not much, just enough to allow Hajime to tug his jeans off with ease. Now he was left in just his briefs- not a huge deal, but Nagito still preferred to wear 'women's' briefs. With men's briefs, there was... so much extra space, considering he had no dick to fill the fabric. As he had mentioned to Hajime before, he never really struggled with bottom dysphoria (his luck did him well in that respect), so wearing briefs marketed as 'women's' didn't make him feel like any less of a man. 

Oops. Nagito's mind went far off track. He was brought back extremely quickly as Hajime used his knee to spread his legs apart more.

Hajime kept his hand on Nagito's hipbone, hesitating to touch him lower.

"It's okay, Hajime," Nagito reassured him, "I'm okay with this. I promise I'd tell you if it made me uncomfortable to be touched there." 

"You're absolutely sure?" 

"For the last time, yes. Really, Hajime. I want this, okay? You trust me, right?" 

"Of course I trust you." Hajime nodded.

"Then trust me on this, too." Nagito smiled up at Hajime.

Hajime couldn't help but to give a smile back, nodding again, with more resolve this time, "Alright. I'll trust you."

"Good."

Not taking Nagito's briefs off yet, Hajime ran his hand over Nagito's pussy gently, just testing the waters a little bit first.

Nagito bit his lip, feeling goosebumps all over his body. He was so used to roughness, but Hajime was so soft, so slow and sensual, "Hajime..."

"Hm?" Hajime hummed, leaning into Nagito's neck again and licking a strip up the skin, making a shiver run down Nagito's spine.

"A-ah... don't tease me so much..." he whined, hoping that the change in his voice would be enough to tempt Hajime to go further.

With a deep chuckle, Hajime complied, dragging Nagito's briefs down almost agonizingly slow. It was clear that he was doing this to tease, to get Nagito riled up even more. 

At this point, Nagito was already embarrassingly wet. Even from so little, he had gotten so excited. He had never gotten like this before... it was all because of Hajime. He hoped Hajime didn't think it was weird that he was already so turned on.

It seemed as though Hajime didn't think anything of it, slipping his fingers between the slick folds and pressing a bit on his clit.

Nagito's hand flew up to his mouth to stifle a moan- oh fuck. Being touched like this by Hajime was so much better than being touched by himself or by anyone else. The sensation was just so much greater than it had been ever before. 

"C'mon, let out your voice..." Hajime coaxed, using his thumb to rub Nagito's clit in little circles. He spread the slick from Nagito's entrance to his clit to make it everything easier. "If you hold back, then I'll stop," he used this slight threat to get his way. It wasn't like it was manipulative, just a simple way to get Nagito to let his voice out.

Nagito moved his hand out from in front of his mouth, whining, "No... I don't want you to stop..."

"Then just let out your beautiful voice." Hajime figured he had won, that Nagito was going to let his voice out now, so he didn't bother to stop at all. He slipped a finger inside of Nagito's hole, keeping his thumb pressed down on his clit. 

Letting out a shuddery moan, Nagito's eyes fluttered closed. 

"Mm, that's better..." Hajime slipped a second finger in with ease, pressing against Nagito's warm walls. Seeing the way Nagito reacted... it was almost addicting. He loved being the one that was making him like this, making him feel pleasure. The thought of anyone else touching him just feel possessive, "You're mine..." he muttered. He fingered Nagito for a few minutes, drawing more moans and whimpers from his mouth. But soon enough, he had a better idea. He shifted Nagito so he was a bit further up on the bed with his legs spread. He adjusted himself so his face was further down, no longer looking at Nagito's face.

"Huh?" Nagito wasn't oblivious to the change, noticing as Hajime shifted their positions to a different one, "What're you do- ah!" Nagito's question was cut off as he felt Hajime's tongue against his clit, circling it and pressing against the sensitive little nub.

To say that Hajime was good with his tongue would be the understatement of the year. The way he worked his tongue around Nagito's inner labia and clit... it made heaven feel real. And when he slipped his tongue inside of Nagito... well, let's just say he lost it.

Nagito was gripping Hajime's hair, thighs squeezed against the side of his head. His back was arched, breathing shaky and voice wracked with moans. Nothing had ever felt this amazing. It was all too much. Before long, Nagito was convulsing, cumming without warning as he gasped out Hajime's name. 

It took a few minutes for Nagito to come down from his high, everything all too intense. The memories of what happened after that were blurry. He could remember Hajime telling him how perfect he was, how beautiful he was. He remembered Hajime holding him close, stroking his hair and talking to him gently. Nothing was very clear though, he fell asleep before he could even really say anything to Hajime. 

The one thing that was clear to him was his feelings.

He was in love with Hajime.

It may have been crazy, they hadn't even known one another for that long, but it was the truth. Nagito was in love with Hajime, wholly and truly.

All he could do was to hope Hajime held the same emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhh please comment i crave constant validation pls,,,


	19. darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's all gone dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)))))))  
> this chapter is rly short sorry but i wanted to leave it as a cliffhanger so yeet

Here he was again.

The lights shone a neon red, the atmosphere really living up to the name.

_The Red Light District._

Why was he here again? He tried to wrack his brain for the answer, but nothing came up. He couldn't even manage to recall how he had gotten here in the first place. He was just there and he didn't know why.

He should have left.

But he didn't. He stayed.

_Why had he stayed?_

He leaned against a wall, the glow of light in brothels masquerading as simple cafes. It was pointless, really. Everyone knew the depths of this place. The facade was futile. Police didn't even care anymore, there was no use cracking down on prostitution and sexual harassment if it was just going to keep happening, right?

His mind felt hazy, as if it were full of static. His eyes couldn't focus, no matter how hard he tried. A heavenly glow surrounded everyone and everything surrounding him.

What was he to do?

A man approached him, lips moving as if to speak, but no sound coming out. Nagito was pressed against the wall, a larger body leaned against him to keep him in place. Hands crept up his shirt, not caring how Nagito was feeling. They just took, took, took, took more and more until Nagito was left with nothing. Everyone always just took. He didn't matter to anyone else. They only cared about themselves, their pleasure and wellbeing. 

It felt as if a hundred hands were all over him, touching him in placed and ways that he never wanted.

He didn't want this.

_Why? Why was this happening to him? Why him? Why him? Why him? What had he done wrong? Where had he displeased the gods oh so badly that he got this treatment now? He was always polite and kind, putting other people before him, so why? He couldn't understand why he had to be the victim, but he blamed himself. He must have done something truly terrible if he were being treated like this. It was all his fault._

_All his fault, all his fault. Everything was all his fault. Why couldn't he have just never existed? That would be better for everyone._

Stop, stop, please stop! He begged with all of his might, screamed and cried, but nothing came out. Hands grasped at his neck, choking the breath out of him and stealing his vocal cords. He couldn't speak, couldn't breathe, couldn't think. All he wanted was for this to end. He didn't care how, just god oh god, please make it stop. He didn't want this. He hated this, hated this so much. He felt so selfish, asking for this to stop, but he couldn't handle it. It was all too much. He wanted to scream, to lash out and push everyone off of him. The touch of the men he didn't know drove him to the brink of insanity. Fat tears spilled down his cheeks but everything continued. 

Just a toy, that's all that he was, only there to be used for other people's pleasure. This was all he was worth, the voices assaulted his mind.

_Whore. Slut. Worthless. Toy. Pathetic. Useless. Bitch._

His entire body felt vile. It was as if a million bugs were crawling on him, covering every square inch of his pale and vulnerable skin.

_Disgusting._

He closed his eyes for only a moment, trying to escape this reality, and suddenly, he opened his eyes to the interior of a car.

Sitting in the passenger seat, Nagito glanced over to the figure beside him. It was... as if he had no face. His face seemed to be a jumble of VHS static and the channel that doesn't connect on the television. As if he were just a shadow, he disappeared as soon as he had shown up.

The scene faded to black again.

Nagito was standing now. He looked at his feet. There was a reflection of himself on the ground. When he stepped forward, the floor rippled out like disturbed water. All he could see was darkness. But it wasn't the lack of light. He could see himself just fine, clear as day, as if it were the brightest noontime in the world. His own body was clear. He was bare, clothing stripped away with no explanation as to how it had occurred.

But his face... the more he stared down at the reflection in the water, the more it seemed to distort.

Like a pillar candle dripping wax, his face seemed to melt. Pale drips of liquid flesh dripped to the floor, hardening as they landed and morphing into insects. They crawled up his body and chewed at his skin, ripping bits off and causing blood to trickle down to the floor as well.

Nagito desperately attempted to push his face back into place. His skin was burning, painful blisters welling up on his fingers the more he tried to fix his face. 

Sobs wracked his body. He collapsed on the floor, the pain being all too much for him to handle. His head hit the floor with a crack resounding and echoing around the room.

It all faded to black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to lynch me in the comments, just pls comment


	20. peace with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> will the hands ever stop taking?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this,,, is a chapter setting up to the next and final plot point  
> yup, soon this is going to be over  
> im guessing somewhere between 3-5 more chapters before the finish  
> i'll be starting a new saiouma fic after i finish this!  
> aaa but enjoy this!

  
Stop, stop, stop, oh god, please stop...

Hands, hand, so many hands... touching him in all of the placed he hated... nothing he said would get them to stop. They didn't care about him, didn't care about how he felt. They were greedy, oh so cursedly greedy. Paralyzing him with their touch, all they did was take, take, take. They took everything from him, stripped him down to flesh and bone and just kept going. Nothing was ever enough for them. He would never be enough, no matter what.

Nagito would never be enough.

* * *

  
He awoke with a jolt.

Darkness, darkness, oh fuck it was so dark.

Nagito groped around in the darkness, desperately trying to feel for the lamp, his phone, anything that could provide even the smallest bit of light. If he was in the pitch blackness for much longer, he would go more insane than he already was. 

It was only when he began to see shapes in the dark room that he realized why this was happening.

His medication.

After such a good day and night, it hadn't even crossed Nagito's mind to take his daily medications. The lack of his antipsychotics definitely explained why he had that nightmare and why he was now seeing things when there was obviously nothing actually there. 

Nagito groaned at the realization, feeling like a goddamned idiot. Of course. Of course, it had been his own idiotic fault that things had gone downhill. His hand finally found his phone, screen practically blinding him as he pressed the on button to check the time.

3:47 am. 

Cool. Awesome. This was the prime time to be awake. Perfect. Yup. This was entirely, totally what he had wanted. Yippieki-fucking-yay. 

He turned his head, the illumination from his phone lighting up the side of the bed next to him. He expected to see Hajime there beside him, considering they had fallen asleep together and it was the dead hours of the morning, a time when no one would really choose to get up and leave. 

But... he wasn't there.

Hajime wasn't there. 

Where... where was he?

Nagito's mind automatically went to the worst possibility, like always. In that moment, all of his progress went down the drain. His brain swirled with terrible thoughts. Oh god, he wasn't enough, was he? Hajime had left him. He wasn't going to come back. He waited until he was asleep so that he could leave without a trace and nothing Nagito did could stop him.

He hugged a pillow to his chest, biting his lip as he felt tears well up in his eyes.

This was so unlike him.

He had gotten so used to people leaving him, he had accepted that everyone he interacted with would leave eventually. Ever since his parents' death, he never expected anyone to stay. He just assumed that everyone would leave him and that it would be his fault. He had normalized being left so much that he had become numb to the feeling of losing people who he cared about. 

So why did this hurt so much? 

A tear slipped down his cheek, his efforts to stop himself from crying left futile. He was alone again, all alone.

That's when the door opened.

Oh.

Nagito looked to the door, met with the sight of Hajime. The hall light lit up behind him, showing the silhouette of the one he cared for oh so much. Immediately, Nagito jumped to his feet, bounding over to Hajime and wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. Relief flooded his system and he let out a loud, ugly sob as he hid his face in the crook of Hajime's neck.

Even without seeing his face, Nagito could tell that Hajime was beyond confused. Granted, the confusion was well warranted. He had most likely just gotten up to go to the bathroom or something of the sort for a few minutes, and now he was being tackled with a hug as if he had just returned from a year at war. 

Hajime didn't push Nagito away though, hearing the cries and figuring that something had happened. He put his arms around the other, rubbing small circles on his back with his thumb as a way to calm him.

"Shh... it's okay, it's okay..." he hummed soothingly, voice overflowing with kindness.

What had Nagito done to deserve someone like Hajime? 

Normally, he would start telling himself he didn't deserve this, that he deserved being left for real, but he was just filled with an abundance of relief at this point. 

Hajime hadn't left him. Hajime was still here, he was still here. Nagito was no longer alone. He didn't have to fear the lonely feeling that had encapsulated him for so many years. He knew... he knew that Hajime would be there. He scolded his brain for doubting Hajime's feelings, for making him think he was so cruel as to leave. Hajime wasn't like that- and Nagito knew it. Hajime was going to just leave him behind.

Trust. 

He would trust Hajime. 

Looking back on his pitiful life, Nagito couldn't recall even one time where he had put all of his trust in another person. This was it. This was what he had been missing for so long.

It was trust.

* * *

  
After that night, everything seemed to be looking up for Nagito. He found joy in his everyday life, finally waking up and starting each day with a positive outlook. Hajime woke up earlier than him, so Nagito always awoke to a good morning text, starting his day off the right way. 

Everything seemed... peaceful. Nagito felt... peaceful.

One day, he decided it would be a fun idea to surprise Hajime by bringing him lunch at work. It may have been a bit silly, probably a bit cheesy, but Nagito had a smile on his face as he hummed to the tune of a song, mustering up the best cooking abilities he had to put together a half-decent meal to bring Hajime. He felt like a housewife right out of an old American sitcom, chuckling to himself as he thought that all he needed to complete the look was a frilly apron. 

He managed to put together a nice enough lunch- it wasn't the best, but it was definitely edible and not wretch inducing, not offensive looking. It was far from restaurant quality, but Nagito still felt proud of it, hopeful in his mind that it would make Hajime smile.

He cleaned up a bit before getting dressed and slipping his shoes on, packaging up the food and going outside to wait for his uber. 

Within the next hour, Nagito had arrived to the law firm where Hajime worked. He was a bit early- it was 12:15 and Hajime didn't go on his lunch break until 12:30. He loitered outside of the building, waiting about ten minutes to go inside and ask the receptionist to see Hajime. 

He hadn't been inside the building before, so he looked around as he was led to Hajime's office. It was a pretty impressive place, a much higher end firm than Nagito had ever come into contact with before.

Knocking on the door to Hajime's office, Nagito opened the door and stepped in, making sure he wasn't interrupting anything before waving and greeting Hajime softly. 

"Oh- Nagito?" Hajime seemed surprised, eyes alert as he sat up straight, "What are you doing here?"

Nagito gave him a smile, walking over to his desk and setting the food he had packaged up on the surface, "I just thought I'd bring you lunch!" 

A faint red blush heated up on Hajime's cheeks, "Ah- you really didn't have to do that, you know..." he said sheepishly, hand rubbing the back of his neck and chuckling.

"I know, but I wanted to. I know you work hard every day." Nagito leaned over the desk, kissing Hajime's cheek. He pulled a chair up to the desk, sitting opposite of Hajime.

Hajime shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment with a sigh. He looked at Nagito with a dorkishly in love smile, "You're way too extra."

"Yeah, but you still like me."

"I suppose you aren't wrong," Hajime admitted, "Still, I'm going to poke fun at you for it."

"Fair enough," Nagito nodded, a soft and content expression on his face. He unpacked the food, still feeling his chest well up with pride, "It may not be the best, but I tried my best, so I hope it's alright..."

"I'm sure it'll be great, don't worry about it Nagito." Hajime hummed, getting right to digging in. Work really did take a lot out of him, and he didn't always get around to having lunch, so this was a welcome surprise. Plus, he got to see his boyfriend- which was always a pro to any situation. He felt content as well.

Nagito dug in as well, setting two portable cups on the table and pouring some green tea into both of them from a plastic bottle. He had realized halfway over that he hadn't brought anything to dring, so he stopped at a 7/11 and picked up some tea just to suffice. 

"Mm, it's good," Hajime nodded, "Thank you."

Nagito blushed at the praise, not used to it despite getting a lot more of it since they had begun dating, "No, you don't need to thank me, really. I wanted to do this."

"Still, let me be grateful, you dumbass," Hajime reached over and ruffled Nagito's hair, messing it up a bit on purpose to irk him a little bit. He had noticed that Nagito was very adamant about his hair being a certain way, and Hajime used that to his advantage.

"Hey!" Nagito huffed, hands immediately flying up to fix his hair for probably the thousandth time that day, "You're so mean Hajime."

"Yeah, yeah, sure I am," Hajime brushed it off, knowing without a doubt that Nagito was just joking and being pouty.

"Not cool Hajime," Nagito shook his head, "I should just leave right now, take everything I made back and leave you alone with nothing to eat."

"You won't though," Hajime said nonchalantly, not seeming worried at all about Nagito leaving. He knew he wouldn't actually leave. 

"I mean... you aren't wrong." Nagito had to tell the truth, "I wouldn't leave even if you stabbed me, just like I mentioned before."

"Oh god, not back on that topic. Come on Nagito, you can think of better conversation topics, can't you?" 

"Hm..." Nagito tried to think of something to talk about. He still wasn't used to normal conversation, or any conversation not involving him being self-depreciating. But, he had told himself that he needed to be more positive, that thinking down on himself wouldn't help anyone or anything get any better, "Well, how has your day been? Any interesting new cases that you're taking on?"

"I'm not really supposed to talk to people outside of work about clients, you know that."

"But I also know that you're still going to tell me."

"Listen- I have to at least act like I'm going to follow the rules. You're just pushing this out of me, alright? I didn't want to tell you, but you just kept on insisting."

"Yup- that's it. I practically held you at gunpoint, shouting at you to tell me about your cases."

"Okay, okay, that's a little too far."

"Sorry, sorry," he laughed, "But anyways, come on, tell me about it."

"Well, I started a new case today."

"Oh? Do tell." Nagito rested his head on his hand, leaning in and ready to hear the 'gossip'. This was the equivalent of lunchtime drama and gossip spreading in high school, well, at least Nagito guessed. He never really experienced it himself, but from movies he had seen, this seemed like the gist of what it would have felt like at the time.

"From what I was told so far, now I haven't done much research, so I don't know a ton yet- but I'm helping a girl sue a psych ward for the wrongful death of her friend. The procedures at the ward are very sketchy- and they didn't do enough to prevent this girl from killing herself. This is a bit gruesome- but apparently, she was found having choked herself to death with bedsheets."

 

_Oh. Oh shit._

 

_That girl had been Hiyoko._

 

_Hajime was dealing with Hiyoko's case._

 

_This... wasn't good._   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have clinical depression please comment


	21. don't you lie to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> office days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy!!!!! on time update HELL YEAH!!!  
> lol i didnt think id get the chapter done today bc i started work today but!! hey!! i got it done!!  
> kind of a filler to set up for the next chapter lol

 

Nagito didn't know what to do.

  
_Should he tell Hajime? Tell him that the girl who died was in his psych ward? That he knew her by name? That he was probably part of the reason that Hiyoko had killed herself? That he was bribed to stay quiet by the owner of the ward? Or should he just keep quiet?_

Once again, he was torn with his own mental conflict. Anguish pushed past the gates of his mind like a tsunami, all rushing back suddenly and at once. It was as if all the progress he had made in the past week or week and a half had just gone running down the drain.

He knew that he should probably tell Hajime. But at the same time... he didn't know what would happen if that Togami guy found out that he had broken the secret he had promised to keep. He knew he was told he would regret it if he didn't agree to keep the hush, but... what did that mean? What was he implying that he would do to him? If it was a death threat, then that was no big deal, considering that Nagito's inability to die. But what if he tried to harm someone who he cared for? Were Mikan and Hajime going to remain safe if he spilled the information. 

So much for good luck.

He sighed, knowing he should have expected something bad to happen. His luck backlash wasn't something that just went away. Even if things seemed peaceful, there would always be something shitty coming his way in the future. 

He deserved this.

This was his fault- he let himself think for even a moment that he was normal. He had been an idiot, hadn't he? God, fuck, he really was the lowest form of life to have ever tainted this planet. He was trash, utterly and completely worthless. He deserved the absolute worst. 

Nagito covered his face with his hands, groaning in a sort of despair-like state. This was great, just great. He was back to how he had always bee. Goodbye progress- all that was thrown out the window. 

He moved his hands from his eyes, looking at Hajime and realizing that he had been zoning out... how long had it been? Was he just sitting there blankly for minutes on end? Oh he had probably made a fool out of himself, not like that was anything new though. 

"Uh... Nagito? You good?" Hajime asked, raising an eyebrow. His face was a mixture of confusion and concern, not really knowing what was going on with Nagito at that moment. He was acting strange.. stranger than usual, at least. He always seemed to be a little strange, but it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. He didn't mind it, even if it made him laugh a little, he found the eccentrics of his boyfriend quite amusing and endearing. 

Nagito sighed, shutting his eyes for a prolonged period of time before opening them and looking at Hajime once again.

This was it. He was going to tell Hajime. Fuck whatever the consequences were- he knew Hajime would be upset if he found out that Nagito had kept something from him that could have helped with his case.

"That was the psych ward I was in. I was the one who found the body, Hajime." Nagito said, making direct eye contact with the other. He had no smile, no frown, no real emotion on his face. He just stared blankly as he stated the facts that he knew. 

Hajime's eyes widened slightly, "Oh. Oh. That... was you."

Nagito nodded, "Yeah. The person who runs the ward, I believe his name was Byakuya Togami, he bribed me to keep quiet about it. That was why I was able to get out after only two days. He didn't want the word to get out, he said if I told anyone, I'd regret it, but honestly, I don't even care what happens at this point. Fuck it, just fuck it all. Whatever bad things that happen to me are fine, I deserve it anyways." he shook his head with his words.

"This... this case is going to be a lot more complicated than I believed it would be at first." Hajime groaned, "I don't want to make this all business, but... I need you to tell me everything you know. I need any information that you have, as it may be vital to getting justice for this girl."

"Hiyoko." Nagito said, "Her name is Hiyoko Saionji. She's Mikan's ex-girlfriend." 

At that moment, Hajime knew that Nagito wasn't bullshitting him. The fact that he knew the girl's name even though he hadn't told him was evidence enough. this information was true. He didn't want to disrupt their nice lunch, but... this was important. 

"Nagito," Hajime said, turning his computer on once again, "Tell me everything you know. I'm not going to let Togami know it was you who told me, you'll be okay, I'll keep you safe. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you." He placed his hand on top of Nagito's, giving him a reassuring smile, "I promise, okay?"

Nagito nodded. He trusted Hajime, of course, but he also didn't care if he got hurt. Whatever happened to him would be okay, nothing mattered anymore. He was going to give everything he had to Hajime, that's all that mattered right then. 

"Good, thank you for not keeping this a secret from me," Hajime gave him a warm smile, "I'm going to get the justice that is needed, for you and for everyone else involved in this ordeal." 

Again, Nagito nodded. His mind was so confused. He felt like a useless being, but Hajime was thanking him? He didn't deserve to be thanked, did he? He was just meant to be stepped on and used for the benefit of others, no thanks or gratitude needed towards him. 

Gah! thinking about it just made it all the more confusing. It would be better to just be some kind of jellyfish- living but with no brain and no train of thought.

"I'll tell you everything." Nagito said, "I want to be useful." 

Hajime hadn't quite caught onto Nagito's relapse into his destructive thinking, but he remained as kind as usual, "I'm going to record you, okay? I'll be writing down what you tell me as we go, but in case I miss something, I want an audio recording of it to. Is that fine?"

"Yeah, yeah. Of course it is. Anything is fine as long as it'll help you, Hajime." he gave a little smile, wanting to appear as if everything were entirely normal on the outside.

"Alright. Now I want you to tell me everything, all from the beginning of your interactions with Hiyoko." Hajime prompted Nagito on where to start, knowing that it could be difficult to know where to begin in situations like the current one. 

"Well... I guess I should start with my connection to Hiyoko before the... incident.." Nagito began, ready to tell everything.

 

* * *

 

It took the better part of an hour for Nagito to explain everything that had happened to Hajime. He had a lot of information that no one else but him knew about. Hopefully what he told Hajime would help in the rightful justice of the case.

Even if he ended up getting hurt for not keeping silent about this, he didn't care. If it helped Hajime, it was okay if he ended up getting hurt because of it. 

"This... is going to help so much, Nagito. This might be what I needed to knock this case wide open. I swear, I could just kiss you right now, you're incredible, you're perfect." Hajime seemed happy, delighted even. He had just been handed everything he needed. 

"Ah- I'm sure you wouldn't want to touch, much less kiss trash like me." Nagito chuckled sheepishly, looking down at his feet.

Oh, now Hajime had noticed. He had to do something about this. He wasn't about to let Nagito go back to how he was before, oh no, not after all the progress that he had made. Nope, going backwards was not an option- he wouldn't allow it. He stood up from his seat with a stern look on his face, "Stand up," he ordered, looking Nagito in the eye. 

Taken aback by the sudden dominant order, Nagito really had no choice but to comply. He was quick to jump to his feet, "Y-yes?"

Hajime walked from around his desk to Nagito. He stood in front of him, staying still for a moment and then pushing Nagito to the wall, pinning him there without a single warning. It really had come out of nowhere, such a sudden action. 

"A-ah, Hajime?" Nagito stuttered out, face flushed a humiliating shade of pink, "W-what are you doing?"

"Getting you to shut up, what do you think?" Hajime grumbled before grabbing Nagito's chin and pulling him into a kiss. He wasn't going to put up with Nagito's self-loathing any longer. He knew the way to make Nagito shut up- just shell shock him like this and then he would listen to anything he said- Nagito was easy to play. It was always fun, messing with him. He... had never found as much joy in being with someone else as he did with Nagito. There really was something special about this guy. He may have been crazy, but maybe a little crazy was what he had always needed in his life. 

Nagito didn't resist, not one bit. He would never refuse a kiss from Hajime. Fuck, he was way too good of a kisser, this man just wasn't fair to him. 

Hajime broke the kiss after a bit, pressing his forehead against Nagito's, "There, finally you shut up, god, I couldn't listen to you talking shit about yourself."

Nagito opened his eyes, cheeks flushed and breath taken away, "Well... y-yeah. Wow... that worked. Yeah, okay, that really worked but... now I'm turned on, goddammit Hajime! What are you going to do about it?

Hajime glanced up at the clock, checking the time he had until his next planned meeting. Well, he had a little less than an hour and nothing better to do, or more accurately- no one better to do. He shrugged, taking a step back, "Alright, alright, I can't say no since it's definitely my fault." Hajime gave Nagito a soft kiss, chuckling as he got down on his knees, ready to fix what he had started. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi im very gay id like a few comments (its a john mulaney reference okay) (also yes hajime ate nagito out in his office after this)


	22. intense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> office fun & more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the first half of this chapter is nsfw!!! i had people asking for the eating out scene so rjdfkghdj here you go  
> the last half,,,, well,,,,  
> just read it

Office sex... sure was something. Woah buddy, it was like a porno brought to life, and not in a bad way, oh god no, not bad at all. It was the furthest thing from bad to ever have existed- it was incredible. The mixture of arousal mixed with the oddly exciting threat of being caught made Nagito more sensitive than usual. 

 

Hajime was never one to leave a problem he had caused unfixed, and Nagito's arousal was included in that. Besides... he needed to live a little. Yeah, he had obviously had sex and fucked around before, but nothing like this. He always insisted that he was too good of an employee to risk hurting his reputation, but really, he just... hadn't found the appeal in it until now. But Nagito's face when he admitted he had become turned on by Hajime's dominant sternness, there was no way Hajime could have said no to that.

 

Nagito bit his lip as Hajime slid his pants and briefs down his legs slowly, tantalizingly. He knew that this was going to be trouble, considering how amazing Hajime had been before. He knew he was going to need to be quiet during this, which was 100% going to be a problem for Nagito. Controlling his voice had never been a struggle before Hajime, but Hajime edged the noises out of him with such ease. 

 

"Be quiet," Hajime warned, looking up at Nagito from his kneeling position, "If anyone hears you or questions me on what the noises were that were coming out of here- I'll make you regret it." He didn't truly mean that threat, but it would work well enough to make Nagito keep his mouth shut for this. Yeah, he was more than willing to do this, but he what he wasn't willing to do was lose his job. 

 

Nagito was quick to nod. He didn't know how Hajime would make him regret it, but he didn't think he wanted to find out. He brought a hand up to cover his mouth, knowing that he couldn't keep quiet out of sheer will alone. 

 

A smirk on his face, Hajime was pleased to see that Nagito was already getting wet. He pressed two fingers against his folds, spreading the outer labia, running a hand over Nagito's inner thigh, getting a satisfying tremble out of his partner. He ran his fingers across Nagito's pretty pink slickness, pressing down on his clit with a bit of force to surprise him.

 

Nagito gasped, muffled by his hand. Oh he was in for a difficult time with keeping his noise down.

 

For a minute, it seemed like Hajime was going to be slow, going to be gentle despite the... less vanilla setting they were in. But then...

 

Nagito bit down on his finger, his body tensing up at Hajime licked a long strip from his clit all the way to his entrance. Before he could even realize it, Nagito felt Hajime's tongue slipping inside of him, teasing his inner walls and practically driving him crazy. It was still hard to believe that sex could  _actually_ feel good. The moan he let out was muffled, hopefully enough to stay within the confines of the room. 

 

In moments like this, Nagito lost his sense of time. He didn't know how long it was before he reached his climax, it could have been only minutes, maybe hours. He just knew that bliss was filling his body, breathing in through his lungs and encapsulating his mind. 

 

It was like he was high, his senses so heightened, mood up in the air. 

 

Oh, if only he could stay like this forever. 

 

* * *

 

For the next few days, it almost seemed like everything was going to be okay. Hajime was organizing all of the information he had in the case, preparing to get the justice that was deserved. 

 

Despite Nagito having broken his promise to keep the lid on the information that he knew... nothing bad seemed to be happening. No one had tried to hurt him, and no one had tried to hurt anyone he cared about. The threat he had been given by Togami seemed like empty words at this point.

 

A smile spread across Nagito's face as he walked the last block to Hajime's work. He had taken an uber, but decided to walk the final block- it was a beautiful evening. The sun was setting and the air was calm. He had never taken the time to appreciate the beauty of this time of day before. He wondered if sometime, maybe Hajime would want to watch the sunset with him. It would be cliche, but Nagito yearned for the cliche of it all, the cheesiness and mindless emotions. 

 

It was a couple minutes after Hajime was meant to get out of work, so Nagito just had to cross his fingers and hope that Hajime hadn't left already. After all, Nagito hadn't exactly told Hajime that he was coming to see him after he was done with work, so Hajime may have left as normal, just planning on going right on home like he did most days.

 

He was almost to the entrance of the law firm when out of the corner of his eye, he noticed something... suspicious. Nagito spotted someone being pulled into the alleyway. That was... probably not good. 

 

He froze for a moment, really not sure what to do. But before he knew what he was doing, he found his feet moving to the alley, picking up speed as he entered the darkness, "Hey! Hey!" he yelled, his eyes adjusting to the dimmer lighting.

 

"What's going on?" Nagito asked, still not being able to make out the faces of whoever was the attacker and whoever was the victim. All he knew what that he saw the glint of the knife and... he needed to save someone. He pushed the victim aside, shielding them using his own body.

 

_Why was he doing this?_

Nagito shouted out, feeling the pressure of the knife collide with his body. There was a sense of panic bubbling in him from his mind. 

 

But there was also a sense of relief.

 

Nagito knew that he had saved someone. Instead of being hurt for no reason other than his own self-hatred... he was hurt because he chose to save someone.

 

The blade ripped through his side, leaving a deep gash in his left side. He was bleeding.

 

It... didn't really hurt though. 

 

He had been stabbed before, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise to him, but... he didn't feel anything. The adrenaline and shock coursing through his veins made everything just feel kind of... numb. It kind of felt like a punch mixed with a burning sensation. His body felt like it was on fire, boiling alive. 

 

The knife clattered to the ground, the attacker running out of the alleyway and off to wherever he or she had come from. They were like a little mouse, frightened since his plan had clearly not gone the way it had been intended to. 

 

Nagito fell to the ground, dizziness overwhelming him.

 

Two arms caught him as he fell, making sure he didn't collide with the ground with too much force. The arms... felt so familiar. 

 

_No, it couldn't be..._

 

Looking up at the man who caught him, Nagito was caught up with disbelief.

 

_Hajime._

"Nagito, oh my god, Nagito." Hajime voice was rushed and filled with fear. He kneeled down, resting Nagito's head on his lap, "What the hell were you thinking?!" he said angrily. It wasn't fury at Nagito that he felt though, it was fury at himself. He just let Nagito get hurt like that, all because of him. 

 

Nagito just looked up at Hajime with a smile, "I'm happy, Hajime. I kept you from getting hurt, didn't I?"

 

"You did- but you got hurt, you dumbass! You can't just let yourself be hurt like that!" Hajime took his jacket off, putting it on the wound with some pressure, getting his phone out of his pocket.

 

"It's okay, Hajime, really. I won't die. You know by now that I can't die." he laughed, wincing as the pain started to catch up to him. Yup, wow, that was most definitely a stab. That hurt more than his mind had recognized before- wow that was a lot of blood. Jesus christ, that was  _a lot_ of blood. It wasn't as if he was worried, he truly did know that he wasn't going to die from this, but oh buddy oh boy did it hurt like a son of a bitch. 

 

"But still- of course I'm going to be upset that you got hurt- you're my goddamn boyfriend Nagito, even though you aren't going to die, seeing you in pain because of me makes me feel like shit, alright? So stop acting like this situation is fine, because it's not. I know you've had a lot worse, but that doesn't matter now- you're hurt now."

 

"Hajime, no, it isn't your fault."

 

"Yes it is. I got myself dragged into this situation, and you got hurt because of it. You got hurt because you were protecting me." Hajime let out a sigh and put his phone down. He had texted his receptionist to call the police, not wanting to be on the phone when he could be talking to Hajime. 

 

"I... wasn't protecting you," Nagito said, "I didn't know who it was that I was protecting. I just... saw someone in danger, and I couldn't let it be. I know you probably think I was an idiot for doing this, but I couldn't let someone else get hurt when I could do something."

 

Ah fuck- he was feeling dizzy. He could see his vision start to fade, the blood loss finally getting to him. He could hear Hajime speaking, but it was so muffled that he couldn't make it out.

 

This wouldn't be the first time in his life that the world faded to black.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment of else ill drop you off this cliffhanger


	23. breakthrough or breakdown?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hajime has some alone time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)))))  
> suffer

Hajime had never been so worried in his life. He had always been a fairly calm and collected person, even in bad situations and when dealing with dark topics. It was his job, really, to go about things in a professional and unemotional manner in order to get the outcome that was wanted.

But now, for some reason...

Hajime couldn't calm down. 

He couldn't focus on conversations, on his job, on meals, on anything. His mind was stuck on Nagito. He knew that he was in the hospital now, he watched the emergency services take him away. He had always trusted the system, trusted the doctors to do their jobs well and keep their patients safe. Now that it was Nagito in their hands... he was doubting the trust he had always had in them.

_Was this how Nagito always felt? Blaming himself?_  

Hajime had never been able to see it from Nagito's side. He didn't understand how Nagito could blame himself for something that wasn't his fault at all. He... understood now.

Deep down, Hajime knew that it wasn't his fault. It was the fault of the wielder who held the knife. Despite knowing the facts and the truth of the situation... Hajime still blamed himself. He felt as though he was at fault. He could have pushed Nagito away when he moved in front of him, could have taken the knife instead. He should have been the one who was sent to the hospital, the one with the wound.

_But he wasn't._  

He couldn't change that now.

_Why was he getting so stuck up on this?_  

The answer to that question... it was Nagito. Nagito was the reason why Hajime was so hung up about this. Logically, Hajime knew the facts and knew that he was reacting in a completely irrational way. But because of his feelings towards Nagito... he couldn't maintain his logical view on everything. 

_His feelings toward Nagito..._

_What were they?_  

Hajime had a million questions on his mind, seemingly unable to focus on only one inquiry at a time. It really was frustrating. He was stressed over Nagito, stressed over preparing for this case, stressed over every aspect of his goddamn life. It was even more stressful than finals week back in law school- and that was saying a lot, considering how Hajime had practically went insane over his tests. 

With an aggravated groan, Hajime threw his folder across the room, papers containing all the information about the case fluttering in the air and scattering all around. 

"This is such bullshit- goddamnit!" Hajime yelled, too far out of his mind to even consider that someone would hear him. His normal at-work manners had been chucked out the window, his entire was was in shambles, a pathetic state of disarray. He hated this- despised it so much. He was an adult, a damn lawyer for christ's sake- he should have his life in order! 

There was a knock on his door, interrupting his little adult temper tantrum. 

Hajime froze, looking around at the state his office was in. He knew he should have been in a frenzy, trying to clean up before allowing the visitor to enter, but... he just couldn't muster up a single fuck to give. 

"Come in!" he called out, giving the knocker the go-ahead to come in. 

The door creaked as it opened slowly, the head of his boss peeking in, "Hajime? she asked.

_Oh god, oh fuck, oh no... he had really done it now. Hajime had royally fucked up. His boss, the head of this entire law firm, was coming to talk to him._

_There was no way this could end up well. No possibility in the entire fucking universe._

_Life just couldn't let him have a break, not even for one single moment of this godforsaken day._

_Was this in exchange for all the good things that had been happening lately? Between having Nagito as his own and feeling confident about his abilities to win this case, was it too much good? Was this the reality of Nagito's luck backlash? Was it possible that it could not only affect Nagito, but also the people around him?_  

"Ah- Kirigiri..." Hajime sat up straight, trying to look more presentable than his office was at the moment. 

"I told you before, Kyouko is fine," she nodded, stepping in and gently closing the door behind her. She walked over to Hajime's desk, brushing off the seat and sitting so she was facing her employee, "We need to talk."

_Oh no... this really was about to be the cherry on top of this shitty cake, wasn't it?_

"Yes?" Hajime hummed, trying to keep his face straight. He didn't want to crack or show any weakness. He... really admired Kyouko. Not in a romantic way, no, she was pretty, but he would never think of her like that. It was more like... he looked up to her as his superior. She was such an amazing lawyer, and she used to be a detective even. He someday wanted to be able to run his own law firm like she did... he doubted that it would ever happen, though. 

"I want you to hand all your current clients over to me." Kyouko stated simply, he face unchanging from its typical emotionless expression.

_Yeah, this was what Hajime had feared, wasn't it?_

Hajime nodded solemnly, "I understand." 

Kyouko seemed to stare at Hajime's face for a prolonged period of time before speaking again, "No, I don't think you understand." 

"You're..." Hajime paused, "You're terminating me, aren't you?"

Kyouko... laughed. She sputtered and put her hand over her mouth to hide the smile that danced on her lips, "Hajime... no, that's not it."

"It's... not?" Hajime let out a breath that he hadn't realized he had even been holding.

Shaking her head, Kyouko regained her composure, folding her hands in her lap, "No, it's not that at all. You're one of our best employees, I would truly be foolish if I fired you." she began to explain, "I know that you've been having a difficult time lately, with being attacked and your partner being in the hospital. You never take your sick days, you never take your vacation days, and so I'm using my authority as your boss to send you on a paid leave until everything is smoothed out. You're overworking yourself. I know you- you'll keep working until you're dead, you're not going to take time off unless you're forced to, and this is the only way I can make sure you stay healthy. It's not healthy to be working constantly, especially when you're experiencing personal problems."

Hajime opened his mouth, trying to think of words to say, but he couldn't. He was in disbelief. 

"You don't need to say anything. Just gather up your things and all the files for your clients and bring them to my office before you leave." Kyouko gave another nod as she stood up. She walked back over to the door, turning back to look at Hajime before she left, "Take care of yourself. I don't want to lose one of my best employees, alright?" she smiled a little. She didn't wait for an answer, just giving a small wave as she exited the office.

 

* * *

 

Hajime... had never taken a vacation before. He had worked here for years now, and not a single one of his sick or vacation days had ever been used. He was the person who would gladly take overtime, pick up any work that his coworkers were struggling with. Hajime had always done everything, he never stopped. His life was always buzzing with work, plans, and even more work. 

 

And now... he had nothing.

 

Absolutely nothing.

 

To say he was bored would be the understatement of the year.

 

Yeah, it was kind of nice to be able to think about things other than work, focus all of his time and though processing power into thinking figuring out exactly what he felt towards Nagito, but on the other hand... this was fucking weird. He was so used to working. He was used to being the one who got home late, the one who always had something to do, but now... now he just sat on the couch, home alone, waiting for Chiaki to return. Most of the time, she was home far before he was. Of course, once in awhile he got home earlier, but never literal  _hours_ before Chiaki did.

 

He both loved and despised the irregularity of this. 

 

The inner type A in him was screaming, yelling at him to get back to work, get back to his regular schedule of daily life. The other side of him was a side he had never seen before... that side was telling him to embrace this, to go with the flow and just let things happen.

 

It was almost as if Nagito had brought out this other side of him. 

 

Nagito... was such an interesting guy. Not in a bad way, but he genuinely was someone who Hajime felt he could never get bored with. He possessed such a power of going with the flow, not caring what happened. He changed depending on the situation. Nagito... was always changing. He  was dynamic.

 

Hajime... was static. 

 

He had been spending all his time encouraging Nagito, telling him to take his life into his own hands and change it, but... he had been a hypocrite. 

 

Even though Hajime said that to Nagito, he never took the steps to change his own life. He was living the same way every single day. The only time when he did everything different... was when he was with Nagito. Nagito was the only interesting part of his life, wasn't he?

 

It was time to take his life into his own hands.

 

No more sitting around, no more same old same old. 

 

Hajime was going to do something spontaneous. No planning... he was just going to leave. Leave the house with no rhyme or reason. He was just going to go wherever his legs took him. 

 

An adventure, was it? Maybe so. It sounded childish, as if he were running away from home or something, but if he were to be entirely honest, it excited him. The idea of just doing anything, not sitting down and planning his every single move out, it exhilarated him. He hadn't done something like this since he was in school.

 

Hajime stood up from his place on the couch, nodding in resolve to have some fun. He checked his phone, feeling uneasy when he noticed the battery was a bit low. The urge to wait a bit for it to charge before he left was strong, but he promised himself to just go with the flow. If his phone died, then it died. It was fine, he just had to go with it. 

 

Pocketing his phone, Hajime grabbed the first jacket he found. It was an old leather one, something he had been given by a friend way back in high school. It wasn't his normal look, but his motto for that night was to go with the flow, and so he grabbed a pair of sunglasses to complete the look. The sun was setting already, so he definitely didn't need the sunglasses, but he was about to go all out that night.

 

He was ready to go hard.

 

* * *

_What time was it?_

Hajime tried to check his phone, forgetting for the umpteenth time that it had already died far earlier into the night. His vision was hazy, and he really wasn't sure where he was. 

 

The music was loud, lights both blindingly bright and dark enough to where he couldn't make out people's faces. He knew he was in some kind of club, but he couldn't tell anyone where that club was. 

 

He didn't even care anymore.

 

Nagito was probably going to die, and it was going to be his fault. Might as well just get as shit-faced as possible to forget about everything for a while. 

 

Hajime downed another beer.

 

He could hear a little laugh, light, airy, and tempting. He didn't know who it was or what they were saying. All he knew was that he was supposed to go with the flow.

 

An arm hooked with his, pulling him along to the back of the club where the bathrooms and private rooms were. 

 

His mind was fuzzy, but he could puzzle out what was going to happen with this mystery person. There was really only one thing that this could be happening. 

 

_He shouldn't be doing this, he had a boyfriend. Even if he was in the hospital, this was wrong, wasn't it?_

_But he had made a promise to himself._

He was going to go with the flow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi yes you can kill me but pls comment first


	24. the curtain closes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lets go out with a bang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its the final chapter!  
> yall, im so emotional over this. writing this and having people enjoy it made me so happy, and im sad to be done with writing it.   
> buuuuuut.... there may or may not be an epilogue in store,,, stay tuned

Hajime woke up with a gasp, shooting upright to a sitting position. He looked around the room, finding his surroundings unfamiliar. 

 

_Where... was he?_

The realization that he was only in his boxers hit him like a train flying down a track. 

 

_This... was... definitely not ideal. This was not ideal at all. This wasn't just "not ideal"- this was fucking terrible. He had a boyfriend! He had a damn boyfriend! This was not his boyfriend's room! He was nearly naked in some stranger's room, his head was pounding, and he couldn't remember anything about the night prior. He may have not been a detective, but using his basic deduction skills, he could imply that he had... done something indecent with someone who definitely wasn't his boyfriend, considering that his aforementioned boyfriend was in the hospital!_

_He was an absolute shitbag, wasn't he?_

Being drunk wasn't an excuse for what he assumed he had done. He should have said no, should have refused, said he already had someone he was with. 

 

But he hadn't. And now, here he was, feeling like the scum of the earth.

 

Was this how Nagito had always felt? Like he was the lowest form of life and that he deserved something bad to happen to him because of what he did? Maybe... he was starting to understand the inner workings of Nagito's mind more and more now. Not that it was necessarily a good thing, no, this feeling was absolutely despicable. He felt disgusting. He wanted to bash his head off of a concrete wall. The physical pain would have at least distracted him from his mental anguish. 

 

_Oh._

It finally occurred to him. 

 

The reason Nagito got himself beat up, the reason he cut, the reason he had been in so many physically painful situations and done nothing to stop them, often encouraging the pain to continue or even hurting himself-

 

This was it. The physical pain was nothing in comparison to the mental pain. 

 

He... understood Nagito.

 

He needed to go see him right now. Apologize to him, tell him what happened, kiss him and hold him in his arms. This was a bad situation, but he was determined to make it right. Even if he had done something as stupid as gotten drunk and slept with someone, he wasn't going to let Nagito go so easily. This was the first time Hajime had been so immersed in a relationship, wanted it oh so badly not to end.

 

This wasn't going to end like this.

 

It wasn't just a hope that this slip up wouldn't cause their relationship to end, it was knowledge. Neither he nor Nagito would let it end because of this.

 

Hajime knew Nagito felt the same as him.

 

He had fallen in love with Nagito, too quickly for his own good, but Hajime knew Nagito shared the same feelings. 

 

Shaking his head and slipping out of bed, Hajime looked around for his clothes. Thankfully, he found them quite easily. He tugged his pants on as well as his shirt, putting his jacket on as well, assuming it was most likely a bit chilly outside. He had no idea of the time, since his phone was still dead, but he just had to hope that it was visiting hours for the hospital. 

 

Just as he was about to leave- his had was on the doorknob- he heard the other person in the room calling out to him.

 

"Mm? Hey- where are you going?" the groggy voice asked.

 

Hajime turned his head to look at the source of the voice.

 

A man with long pink hair was sitting up in the bed now, rubbing his eyes and yawning as he woke up. He was... pretty, but nothing like Nagito. This man wasn't anything near his type- not that he looked ugly! No, he just... really wasn't someone Hajime usually went for. But... he supposed he was hammered out of his mind, so he didn't have the mind to say no or be picky.

 

"I... can't be here. I have a boyfriend," Hajime said, in a rush to leave. He really didn't want to be having this conversation with whoever this was.

 

The man burst out in laughter- well... that seemed highly inappropriate for the situation they seemed to be in.

 

_Insensitive much?_ Hajime thought,  _I just cheated on my boyfriend, and this guy is fucking laughing? Jesus fucking christ..._

"Seriously? You're laughing?" Hajime asked, his tone filled with aggravation. 

 

"Sorry- sorry- It's just..." he coughed, trying to stop his laughter, "We didn't sleep together. Well, we didn't, ya' know, fuck. We just slept in the same bed," he sighed as his laughter calmed down, "We were gonna, but then ya' said some other guy's name, and that was a complete turnoff. I ain't gonna get it on with a  guy who already has someone- I'm not some kinda' homewrecker." he shook his head, "Don't worry."

 

It was as if hundreds of pounds of weight was taken off of Hajime's shoulders.

 

_They hadn't had sex... o_ _h thank fucking god._

Hajime breathed a sigh of relief, "Fuck... god, thank you for saying no when I said someone else's name. Oh god, oh fuck... you don't realize how big of a relief that is. I thought that this was really, really bad." Hajime rubbed his face with his hands, groaning as he finally could feel relaxed. The feeling was akin to the what he imagined taking heroin would feel like- complete and utter instant relief, "Look, thank you for last night, thank you for not having sex with me, but I really need to go and see my boyfriend. I don't feel right staying here any longer."

 

"Yeah, yeah man, I get it. Let me get you something for your head first though, you must have one hell of a hangover, am I right?" he chuckled.

 

Hajime nodded, "Oh, yeah, that'd be nice. Thanks, " Hajime said gratefully, "Oh wait- I don't even know your name, I should know your name before I go taking pills from you," he joked. 

 

"It's Kazuichi, Kazuichi Souda," he replied.

 

"Hajime Hinata. Nice to properly meet you," Hajime gave him a small smile. This guy.... seemed like he was pretty nice. Maybe they could be friends after this... odd encounter. 

 

Kazuichi nodded as he got out of bed, heading into a room off the side (presumably the bathroom) in his boxers as he stretched his arms out wide. He returned a few moments later, shaking a bottle of painkillers in his hand like some sort of maraca as he hummed. He seemed... very energetic, despite probably having at least a bit of a hangover as well. 

 

"Ay, catch," Kazuichi said, giving him a heads up before tossing the bottle his way.

 

Hajime caught it, eyes breezing over the directions before shaking two pills out and popping them into his mouth, swallowing them dry with no problem. He hated to run off so quickly, but he was in a huge rush to go and visit Nagito, "I know it's incredibly rude to leave so fast, but I really, really need to go. I can text you sometime if you want?" he offered.

 

"Yeah, yeah sure. You seem pretty chill, gimme your phone, I'll put my number in it." 

 

"My... phone is dead." Hajime hung his head in defeat.

 

"Ah... no problem, just gimme your hand." Kazuichi said, grabbing a pen with a shrug.

 

Hajime held out his hand, letting Kazuichi scrawl his number on the back of it with messy but readable handwriting. 

 

"I know I've said it a lot, but... thank you. I'm... going to go to my boyfriend now." Hajime waved, opening up the door to leave.

 

"I'll see ya' around!" Kazuichi said with a grin, waving back at Hajime as he left.

 

Hajime walked out the door, closing it behind him. He took a deep breath before he headed on his way. 

 

_He was going to see Nagito._

* * *

 

 

Hajime walked the entire way to the hospital. His car was still at the bar and his phone was dead, leaving him unable to get a ride from anyone or from himself. He had no money, so taking the bus, train, or subway  But not having a vehicle wasn't going to deter him from going to visit Nagito. He would have walked for as long as he had to, just to see him. 

 

It was cloudy and looking like it was going to rain... fantastic. Hajime sighed. There was probably only... half a mile left? Hajime wasn't in perfect shape, but he figured he could probably run the rest of the way. He would get there quicker, and hopefully not get rained on.

 

In about five minutes, give or take a little bit, Hajime arrived at the hospital. Even though it hadn't taken long, Hajime couldn't help but to think  _finally..._

_Finally. He was going to see Nagito again._

It hadn't even been that long, only a few days, but... Hajime was yearning, needing to see Nagito again. His heart ached, knowing that he was hurt and in pain, laid up in a hospital bed with his injury. 

 

He pushed open the doors, heading over to the receptionist to ask about Nagito. Thankfully, it was visiting hours. Hajime didn't know what he would have done if he had shown up and visiting hours had either ended or not even started. He most likely would have just sat in the waiting room, agonizing over what to do with himself as he waited for the hours to begin. 

 

Standing in the elevator alone, Hajime tried to think of what to say to Nagito. Should he tell him about last night? Would it be wrong to keep it a secret? He definitely considered keeping it from Nagito but... he didn't want to be untruthful. Communication was what they needed to keep this relationship going. 

 

Soon enough, the elevator came to a stop on the fourth floor. Hajime exited and looked around, getting acquainted with the hallways to orient himself in the right direction. 

 

He gently knocked on the door of Nagito's room before stepping in, seeing the sleeping face of his lover laid in bed. He looked... peaceful. He was laid up with a wound that was the result of a violent attack, but he looked... like an angel.

 

_Nagito was Hajime's angel. He wasn't his drug, wasn't his life... he was his angel. A blessing. Someone who was good for him, someone who Hajime had been lucky to have been brought into his life._

__Smiling softly, Hajime leaned down, brushing Nagito's hair out of his face and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

 

Nagito's eyes fluttered opened, a smile appearing on his face as he saw Hajime. He reached his hand up with a sleepy motion, cupping Hajime's cheeks. His voice was a bit hoarse- he hadn't been talking much lately- "Mm, I missed you Hajime..." 

 

Sitting down gently on the edge of the bed and placing his hand on top of Nagito's pulling it away from his cheek and entangling their fingers together, "I missed you too, Nagito." He said before gently kissing Nagito's lips, savoring the feeling of Nagito's soft lips against his own semi-chapped ones. 

 

Nagito pulled away first, a slight laugh escaping his mouth, "You know, I'm the one laid up in bed with a stab wound, but this entire time... I was just worried about you, y'know? I... don't like not being able to see you. I like going on dates with you, walking home with you after work, all of that cheesy stuff that I used to think I didn't deserve. I just want more of it now."

 

"I've been worried sick about you, Nagito. I took a vacation from my job for the first time in my entire career because I was so worried, I couldn't get my work done without fretting over how you were doing. I... made some bad decisions." Hajime closed his eyes, feeling a bit ashamed of himself. 

 

"What... did you do?" Nagito asked, cautiously. He didn't think Hajime could do anything that bad, but he still wanted to know what Hajime considered bad behavior.

 

Hajime sighed, opening his eyes to look at Nagito as he explained, "I... well, I'll put it as simple as I can. Last night, I went out to a bar, got drunk, and almost slept with someone else. I'm... sorry. I didn't end up having sex with him, but I almost did, and it would be untruthful to not tell you what I did. I'm so sorry. This isn't an excuse, but I was so worried about you. I decided to just go out last night and go with the flow, like you always did before. I was reckless, something I always scolded you for, but now I did the same exact thing as you did. I'm sorry for even coming close to being unfaithful to you."

 

Nagito squeezed Hajime's hand tightly, "It's okay, Hajime. I forgive you. I can't blame you for being reckless when that's what I always do. But can you promise me to not do that again? If you feel like doing something reckless, you can always call me. And you know you always have Chiaki too- and I know Mikan would help you out if neither me or Chiaki are available."

 

"I... I promise." Hajime nodded, kissing the back of Nagito's hand, "Can you promise me the same? No more hurting yourself, no more trying to commit suicide, no more trying to prostitute yourself out or getting yourself into dangerous situations. I want you to be safe. When you hurt yourself or others hurt you... it hurts me too. Nagito..." he took a deep breath, "I love you. I want to help you be safe and happy."

 

Nagito's eyes went wide, tears welling up in the corners. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but his voice just cracked as tears began to roll down his cheeks.

 

_Hajime loved him..._

All of Nagito's emotions overflowed at once. It was so overwhelming.

 

_No one had ever said that to him before._

Nagito sat up, wrapping his arms around Hajime and holding him tightly. He hid his face in the crook of Hajime's neck, sobs wracking his body as he let everything out, "I l-love you too Hajime, I love you, I love you..." his voice was shaky and muffled, "No one... no one has ever felt this way about me, I-I probably look so pathetic, crying like this, but... I just... f-feel so happy. I promise you, I promise you Hajime, I'm going to get better, I'm going to be safe and h-happy."

 

Hajime held Nagito close to his chest, running his hand through his hair to soothe his lover, "I'll be here for you all throughout it. I'll support you and love you until you can love yourself. It's going to be okay, darling."

 

_For once in his life... Nagito believed it._

 

_Everything... was going to be okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys all so much for coming along with me on this journey!  
> i love you all and hope to see you again on my future fics!  
> (psst... comments will encourage me to write that epilogue)


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